keep your bumper stickers to yourself, dammit

thanks for the reminder! i'll be sure to keep that in mind while i get my honors student to ram your car.

for the most part, i cannot stand bumper stickers. i’ve actually been meaning to write about this for a while. here’s why:

 when you’re driving in front of me, especially in the city when we’re at a stop sign, seeing your 1,001 republican bumper stickers along with “[universal man symbol] + [universal woman symbol] = marriage” really just makes me want to ram into the back of your car over and over again. and we all know that’s not going to go well.

oh and i forgot about all the fetus anti-abortion stickers. those are real winners, too. esp. when it’s an old man driving the car. happy to know what you’d do with the female reproductive system you don’t have.

and those “my kid’s an honors student at [name of school]!”? topped off with those “AGAIN!” “AND AGAIN!” stickers for every subsequent honors semester? QUIT PUTTING PRESSURE ON YOUR KID! he or she’s already dealing with enough! stuff WE didn’t have to think about! like cyberbullying! so why should she or he worry if you’ll recognize his or her academic achievements on your bumper or not?? fer crying out loud. not everyone’s a friggin honors student anyway! what about your kid or kids that aren’t honors students? you got a bumper sticker for them? yeah, didn’t think so.

you know what i also love? when ppl buy really nice new cars, often expensive foreign ones, and then put a sticker or two on the bumper before if it’s even a week old. in a word: WHY?

those hippie-dippie we-love-the-earth-we-love-everyone-we-love-animals-and-music-and-trees bumper stickers piss me off, too. ESP. WHEN YOU FLIP ME OFF ON THE ROAD. poseur! peace and love my a**. (i’ve had religious zealots flip me off, too. WWJD? he sure as hell wouldn’t be flipping me off!)

basically, i don’t think bumper stickers should have ever been invented. i don’t want to know what political party the person driving in front of me is affiliated with. i don’t want to know their views on same-sex marriage or abortion or religion. or that they love the earth. if you loved the earth so much you wouldn’t be buying bumper stickers that are probably manufactured with, like, petroleum products and delivered to your hippie store in a big, black-smoke-spewing, gas-gussling TRUCK now would you? (i’m just saying.)

most bumper stickers make me mad, esp. when i’m sitting in traffic and there’s nothing better to do than read about the dumb things the person in front of me believes. there’s enough road rage already. let’s stop worrying about self-expression and drive. are ya with me? let’s talk about bumper stickers.

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15 responses to “keep your bumper stickers to yourself, dammit

  1. Question:

    We feel similarly about bumper stickers. However, we do sport one window sticker in each of our cars — and that’s the HRC yellow = on a blue background. We like it because (a) those people who understand what it is usually support HRC’s purpose; and (b) people who don’t like what HRC stands for are usually the same folks who don’t know what HRC is nor recognize the symbol.

    And it’s pretty tiny.

    What’s your thought on window stickers like that, whether or not they support a cause in which you believe?

    I think of them similarly to one of those “W” stickers. Or, even better, the Catholic fish that some folks have on their cars. It’s just there — not to be preachy, but rather to identify.

  2. lunch at 11:30

    dammit, mike. that’s a good point. (and you know i love the hrc! hell, we had our wedding reception there.)

    ok. so i suppose *small and classy* is ok. i guess that won’t cause an accident. (or should i say “accident”? 😉

  3. I bring that up because as much as I dislike the tacky anti-Obama stickers I see on cars nowadays, I also don’t like the ones that slam Republicans. I was never a fan of (either) President Bush, but the stickers that scrawled in letters to spell bullshit? Just as bad.

    I still want to visit the HRC building — I haven’t been in it since it was the old Hillel HQ.

  4. lunch at 11:30

    i 100% agree with you. i don’t think your car bumper is a place to slam *anyone*, republican or democrat. keep it at home, ya know??

    the new bldg is so nice!!! a great party space, too, if you’re ever looking for one. and the money you spend to rent it is a donation.

  5. Small and classy. A. O.K.

    The back of my recently-turned-crazy brother’s minivan? Not O.K. at all. I will have to send you a pic. Or you can just ask Janelle. 🙂

    Let me just say that I am considering not inviting him to my son’s Bday party with his friends since I am afraid the other parents will see the van and associate me with him!

  6. I love this! 😉

  7. lunch at 11:30

    staci: that sounds like one helluva bumper sticker. i feel like i kind of need to know what it says right now.

    scott & carrie: YES! thank you 😉

  8. Oh, it isn’t just one sticker. We are talking like a library of one-liners here. Just one sticker would make you question the person. The sum of them just leaves you speechless.

  9. lunch at 11:30

    oh. wow. (i’m kind of speechless and i haven’t even seen them.)

  10. In New Enlgand we have the ubiquitous “This car climbed Mt Washington” sticker…usually seen on a piece of junk car driven by a toothless fat guy with requisit Malboro dangling from his lips.

    Might make an interesting phot essay…..lol!

  11. But, what about all the cool Evolve stickers, rainbow flag stickers, and Mean people suck stickers!!! 🙂

  12. lunch at 11:30

    dude. i’m sorry but those have to go, too. they all have to go. *maybe* some teeny tiny, plastic hrc symbols, but not stickers. let’s just drive and keep our opinions off the road.

  13. PeacockWings

    as usual i love your post.
    however i have to say I do have 3 bumper stickers..
    one for my sorority 😀 a cute one that says “Cute As Hell” with a little demon girl on it and one that says This Is Love and it show a male+male male+female and female+female.
    Even though i’m not gay-I like to piss off the antigay rights ppl 😀

  14. lunch at 11:30

    atta girl!!! 😉

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