keep your bumper stickers to yourself, dammit

thanks for the reminder! i'll be sure to keep that in mind while i get my honors student to ram your car.

for the most part, i cannot stand bumper stickers. i’ve actually been meaning to write about this for a while. here’s why:

 when you’re driving in front of me, especially in the city when we’re at a stop sign, seeing your 1,001 republican bumper stickers along with “[universal man symbol] + [universal woman symbol] = marriage” really just makes me want to ram into the back of your car over and over again. and we all know that’s not going to go well.

oh and i forgot about all the fetus anti-abortion stickers. those are real winners, too. esp. when it’s an old man driving the car. happy to know what you’d do with the female reproductive system you don’t have.

and those “my kid’s an honors student at [name of school]!”? topped off with those “AGAIN!” “AND AGAIN!” stickers for every subsequent honors semester? QUIT PUTTING PRESSURE ON YOUR KID! he or she’s already dealing with enough! stuff WE didn’t have to think about! like cyberbullying! so why should she or he worry if you’ll recognize his or her academic achievements on your bumper or not?? fer crying out loud. not everyone’s a friggin honors student anyway! what about your kid or kids that aren’t honors students? you got a bumper sticker for them? yeah, didn’t think so.

you know what i also love? when ppl buy really nice new cars, often expensive foreign ones, and then put a sticker or two on the bumper before if it’s even a week old. in a word: WHY?

those hippie-dippie we-love-the-earth-we-love-everyone-we-love-animals-and-music-and-trees bumper stickers piss me off, too. ESP. WHEN YOU FLIP ME OFF ON THE ROAD. poseur! peace and love my a**. (i’ve had religious zealots flip me off, too. WWJD? he sure as hell wouldn’t be flipping me off!)

basically, i don’t think bumper stickers should have ever been invented. i don’t want to know what political party the person driving in front of me is affiliated with. i don’t want to know their views on same-sex marriage or abortion or religion. or that they love the earth. if you loved the earth so much you wouldn’t be buying bumper stickers that are probably manufactured with, like, petroleum products and delivered to your hippie store in a big, black-smoke-spewing, gas-gussling TRUCK now would you? (i’m just saying.)

most bumper stickers make me mad, esp. when i’m sitting in traffic and there’s nothing better to do than read about the dumb things the person in front of me believes. there’s enough road rage already. let’s stop worrying about self-expression and drive. are ya with me? let’s talk about bumper stickers.

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what i didn’t tell you about our (second) wedding…

us! getting married! legally! (look at our cute friends!) photo by Christopher T. Assaf, Baltimore Sun / March 17, 2010

was that there was going to be a news crew there. (i keep a good secret, right??) 

i’ll admit, i wasn’t really feeling the fact that there was going to be a Baltimore Sun reporter and photographer/videographer at our st. patty’s day outdoor ceremony–hell i had enough trouble having my photo taken at the first one, and we hired her (hi jaime!)–but holly talked me into it. after all, we’re a media-friendly couple, and i realized that our story could actually change some minds out there, so i decided to take one for the team. 

so for all of you not living in the baltimore area (or that aren’t facebook friends), may i present to you…our legal wedding. (cheers to reporter scott calvert for doing a really great job. i’m a tough one to please, and even *i* teared up!)

step *away* from the fries

everyone has that food. that one food that is nearly irresistible to them. i’m not talking about your favorite food. b/c i, like most of you out there, have many favorite foods (some of them are vegetables. dorky, i know). i’m talking about that one particular (usually sinful) food that, when directly in front of you, is nearly impossible to resist.

for me, that food is french fries.

i have to say that most times, i’m pretty good at avoiding them or turning them down. if i’m out at a restaurant with someone and he or she gets a whopping, mouth-watering mountain of fries and innocently asks me, “want some?” what i normally say is, “do i want some? yes. should i have some? no.” and with that, i’m able to resist.

yes, i’m the gal who asks for a side salad instead of the fries. b/c if i do get the fries, i just can’t stop myself.

case in point: last night we went to Equality Maryland’s 2010 lobby day, where lgbt folks and their allies go out and meet with maryland legislators in their district to discuss legislation pertinent to the lgbt community (same-sex marriage is a big one but not the only one). it was a busy evening, and i spoke up in our meetings. being busy and speaking up inevitably makes me hungry. it made our friends hungry, too. so we took up the organization’s invitation to swing by rams head and celebrate our efforts with some food and drink.

i ordered a veggie sandwich. i saw that all sandwiches were served with fries. i was too hungry to even care. i’ll only have a few, i thought. only my a**.

not only did i eat every single friggin fry in sight, i even ate the soggy ones under the pickle. plus the loser fry drowning in ketchup. the one that you usually leave over b/c it’s so soaked. yeah, i ate that one, too.

they were delicious. but then i felt sick and disgusted.

see, that’s exactly why i avoid them. b/c i can’t control myself! it’s exactly the same reason we don’t keep doritos in the house. or fritos, cheetos or tostitos (basically corn-based fried snack foods that end in “o”). if i have one, i have to have them all. so today’s question: what’s your danger food? the food that you have to avoid at all costs or else you’ll wind up eating them all. do tell.

mean streak

i’ve found over the past few weeks, the past couple of weeks, especially, i have witnessed and, unfortunately, been the target of some exceptionally mean behavior. it’s like everyone (well, not everyone, but you know what i’m saying) has something srsly lodged up their butts.

holly and i were talking about it tonight and we think it’s the economy. it has everyone all tied in up knots. and i feel it, too, trust me, my partner’s laid off [and even after a $XX-thousand wedding and eight years together (in may) i still can’t get her on my health insurance, but that’s a whole ‘nother story, i.e. rant, for a whole ‘nother day] and we’re feeling the pinch, too.

but you all know how i feel re: meanness. i say break the cycle. someone (who doesn’t even know this blog exists) was exceptionally nasty to me–i won’t say who but man, what an ass–today and insted of acting out, yes, i was nice to someone. (of course i cried when i got home, which was stupid. but i’ve had a helluva coupla weeks so i think it was a combination of things just weighing on me) but anyway, yes. i think being mean is unnecessary. i don’t get it. i don’t care what the hell you have going on in your life but don’t DUMP on other ppl, fer cryin out loud, you know?!

i don’t think ppl realize how much words can hurt. yes, our economy’s tanking. but we’re all in this together, you know? so let’s all try to cut each other some slack, bad economy or not. when your fingers start typing out grumpy words to a coworker, how ’bout takin a step back and reevaluating before you hit send? if you’re about to act out on someone you barely know (like maybe, um, me?) how about stopping for a moment before you morph into a jerk? go home, dislodge whatever crawled up your butt and died, get some sleep and wake up fresh in the morning. the. end.

what’s with all the frowning politicians???

have you noticed?

gov. o'malley frowning. why so sad?? shux.

ok, i think we all know why he's frowning. wait, mister, did you just eat half your face?

no explanation needed here. (hey, go back to whoville! dr. seuss is lookin for ya!)

as per usual: i’m just saying.

happy fryday!!! woohooooo!

i am nursing a serious crush on the first couple

and i don’t think i’m the only one.

how fabulous are the obamas??? i mean, how outrageously fabulous are they?? i just love them. love them.

i could barely pull myself away from the tv yesterday. i mean, barely even to eat or use the bathroom. i have never felt this away about politics. i have never been excited about a political leader. ever. but seeing president barak obama and first lady(!!) michelle obama walk down constitution ave. yesterday (past my old stomping grounds; sigh, how i miss my dc…), i could barely keep it together. (they’re such *rockstars* i kept thinking!!! rock stars!)  i am just so proud that we elected them. we did! us! can you believe it?? i keep mentally pinching myself b/c it seems just too good to be true. but it is true. that’s the very best part.

oh and seeing them dance! swoon! her *dress*! and his tux! and those KIDS?! and the grandma! goodness gracious, i could just eat up the entire family! eatthemup! (he’s also a lefty! just like ME! did anyone notice he’s a lefty??)

i have talked to more strangers lately, i’m telling you. ppl on the train, cab drivers, starbucks baristas–and there’s just such a feeling of unity and excitement, it’s just amazing. i’m like, why couldn’t this have happened sooner? to have an african-american family–and such a progressive, forward-thinking president–in the white house…the thought alone just makes me want to break down. i swear, i was already crying when they arrived for coffee at the white house. and then when aretha started singing, forget it. i was a mess.

between this and the steelers on their way to the superbowl…it’s like everything’s falling into place 😉 (sorry, ravens fans. hey, no hard feelings, right? you fought a good fight.)

so yeah. about that crush. it’s here and it’s real. (oh stoppit, i know you feel it, too. so just give in…)

WELCOME TO DC, MR. PRESIDENT AND MRS. FIRST LADY!!!! you’re going to love it here! if you need anything, i’m just over in baltimore. it’s not far. we’ll make the trip out. really, it’s no problem.

this city can’t stop crime, but it sure can install purple lights overnight

yes, indeedy. our mayor may be making national headlines w/an indictment list a mile long (four counts of perjury, three counts of theft, and three counts of fraudulent misappropriation by a fiduciary and two counts of misconduct, according to the Sun) and the cops usually won’t even show up when we make midnight phone calls about our neighbors breaking bottles over each others’ heads, but doggone! them ravens! well, hon, you’d better believe the entire city is suddenly lit up like a chunk of freshly chewed grape bubblicious–purple lights *everywhere*.

city hall. the po-lice station. inner harbor. pretty much everywhere.

as a steelers fan (i met holly as not only an unaffiliated football fan, but hardly a sports fan at all; i have since morphed into a trash talkin’, chip-throwin’, jersey-wearin’, terrible towel-wavin’ football fan that, yes, “bleeds black ‘n gold”), this is particularly tough for me. but whatever, we’re in baltimore, i get it. it’s fine. (and to be completely honest, i’ve always liked the color purple.) it’s just really annoying to see the city responding so quickly to their sports team, while letting little scary things like, oh, crime–you know, stuff like the drug house across the street from us (and its associated daytime, in-plain-sight deals and lookout kids on bikes)–just sorta, you know, slip by. i’m all for team spirit, but c’mon. maybe if the city put as much effort into making daily life safer and more livable as it does installing purple lights, i wouldn’t be considering taking up kung fu to protect my jersey ass when i’m walking the 200 hundred feet from my car to my front door.

unlawfully wedded

on saturday afternoon we got a phone call. holly picked up, and judging by her side of the conversation, it sounded like a survey. i was surprised when a) she didn’t hang up and even more when b) she handed me the phone.

“here,” she said with a shrug. “they want to talk to the second-oldest person in the household.”

intrigued, i got on the phone. turns out it was a maryland department of health & mental hygiene survey (i’ve always wondered about the term “mental hygeine,” (iJs) but anyway) about smoking and tobacco use. so i’m like, ok, this sounds totally legit and as a journalist, i’m down with helping out with statistical info. the survey lasted a while. maybe 10 or 15 minutes. at the end, she asked about my marital status. there were the usual choices, and i was like, in my most polite voice (yes, i can be polite) b/c this nice survey lady has nothing to do with the laws in maryland,

“well, i’m married. i mean, i just had a wedding a month ago. but in the eyes of the state, i’m not married. so yeah, i guess you’ll have to put me down as ‘single.'”

she was like, “oh.”

she put me down as unmarried but living w/someone or something.

honestly, it kinda stung. no, it definitely stung. it was a slap in the face from this state that i live in and that i bleed taxes to. like i said, i wasn’t mad at the nice survey lady, i was just irritated. that after a $XX-thousand-dollar wedding with a rabbi and 150 guests and a handmade wedding dress that i literally bled for (hey, those pins are sharp! ok, i’m being dramatic, but still) and family drama and wonderful best people (i.e. wedding attendents), i’m still considered “single” in the eyes of the state.

it didn’t get me down. i mean, my feathers were ruffled for a couple minutes but i got over it quickly. it just really irks me that i can’t get holly on my health insurance while she’s looking for a new job and we have to hire a lawyer to draw up power of attorney paperwork, etc. b/c G-d forbid anything happens to either one of us, we have no legal rights: can’t visit each other in the hospital, can’t make decisions for each other–nothing.

a couple weeks after the wedding, i joked to holly that we were “unlawfully wedded” and, truly, we are. i’m one of those ppl who jokes around about stuff to feel better, and joking around about our legal “marital status” makes it sting a little less, but it still sucks.

sorry to get all debbie downer on ya on a monday morning. other than that, we had a fabulous weekend.

friday night, we hung out w/some of our favorite boys (including two of my best ppl and closest friends andrew and john) for justin’s photography opening at tangysweet (GREAT YOGURT OMG). saturday night we went to prob. one of the best holiday parties *ever* at this venue called the elm–which is actually someone’s *house*–in baltimore’s hampden neighborhood. august and julie made this kickass winter wonderland backdrop for photos and we were all taking these funny prom-like pics in front of it. of course, the later it got, the sillier the pictures got. (see below!)

yesterday we bought all this fresh *pizza dough* at our fav little italian deli/grocery (more on that another day; omg. best. italian. place. ever.), went to the mawl to get a pizza stone with one of our wedding giftcards and holly proceeded to make some of the best pizza (w/homemade sauce, YES i married a fabulous cook) i’ve ever sunk my teeth into. this was all for our little ravens (baltimore) vs. steelers (pittsburgh, PEE-AY) get together last night (i will not publicly trash talk but let’s just say we were happy w/the outcome). in between all of that, my bookclub was treated to complimentary tix (thanks, renee!) to see “caroline or change” at baltimore’s centerstage, which was awesome. we took an informal survey and it turns out that, yup, we all cried. hey, us bmore bookclubbers may get loud sometimes (ok, all the time) but we’re big ol softies inside…

is it just me, or does ill. gov. rod blagojevich kinda look like he should be in whoville?

remember the human adaption of how the grinch stole christmas? (starring jim carrey as the evil grinch) yeah, but, um, is it just me or does sleezy ill. gov. blagojevich kinda resemble a lil who in dr. seuss’ whoville? more specifically, the grinch? (i mean, iJs.) the scandal is perfect timing for christmas, no??

 the stupidity of politicans continues to amaze me. i mean, it shouldn’t, but it does. (and some of them just have a “wide stance” in public bathrooms. and nope, i can’t spare a square.)

happy friday everyone!! wooohooo!

lump in my throat

that obama won. that, as my dear nicolina says, the tide has turned. and it’s time for change.

but i also have a lump in my throat b/c it’s looking like holly and i won’t be able to make our future honeymoon trip (we’re not doing one this year–it’s a “staycation” here in bmore, which, honestly? after all this stress and planning, is fine by me) to get married in california. some days, i daydreamed just as much about going to the (gorgeous, nicole tells me) san francisco court house and wedding legally as i do our ceremony and reception. nicole would our witness, and pledged to throw us the BDPE (Best. Dinner. Party. Ever.). i’d finally get to meet all her fabulous friends and her parents were gonna throw confetti on our heads as we walked thru the door. of course, the marriage wouldn’t be legal here in maryland. but if we moved to new york (state or city) or mass. or conn. it would be. and it would just be…vindicating. that, at least in a few parts of the country, we’d have the same legal rights as everyone else.

tell me: what’s so bad about us having the legal right to visit each other, G-d forbid, in the hopsital and make decisions for each other if we had to? to file taxes together? to be able to be on each other’s health insurance (i note this b/c, despite our almost eight years together, holly can’t get on my health insurance and her cobra payments are over $350/month)? we’re not trying to undermine the basis of civilization. or the foundation of this country. we just want to be treated as equals. right now, all i can do is hope and pray that one day, our children and our children’s children can look back on these times, on state bans on same-sex marriage, and not be able to wrap their minds around it. that, just as people in my generation look back on the jim crow era, on segregation, on interracial marriage bans, on slavery and african-americans not having the right to vote, on attack dogs and hoses, that they’ll look back on bans, outright bans, on same-sex marriage and say: “i don’t get it. i don’t get how that ever happened.” b/c, by then, it will be legal. and taking away ppl’s rights, taking away ppl’s rights!, and writing inequalities into state constitutions will be so far in the past, will seem so weird and crazy that they just won’t get it. they won’t get it just like i don’t get, can’t even begin to wrap my mind around how someone can look at someone who has a different color skin and think they’re less than. i know some ppl look at holly and i, at our long and loving relationship, and think we’re less than. and undeserving. but, as my late grandmother would say, “to hell with ’em!” and i follow that with a hearty, grandmotherly, “who needs ’em!” (thanks, grandma)

so on this morning, on a morning where the sun’s trying to break thru the clouds here in maryland and the trees are glowing a shade of orange i’ve been craving for months and months, i feel so much hope but also heartbreak. and trust me, i know i could be feeling a whole lot more heartbreak, don’t get me wrong. but my chest feels heavy and i’m teary. i pray that mr. obama, mr. president-elect, can bring us together like i know he can. i have a lot of hope right now. and the haters, they’re not gonna bring us down. we gotta wedding to throw, all! we have a lot to celebrate. a lot of new beginnings. and i can’t wait to get started.