a dramatic depiction of my hair flying around our house. i don’t know that man.
why do we have such thick hair? i suppose to keep our heads warm in the winter and to keep us complaining in the summer when humidity forces it to swell so dramatically that we can’t fit through doors and we have to ask complete strangers to please give us a push because we’re late to our appointment with our GI doctor.
there are pluses and minuses to our thick hair. i suppose one of the more significant minuses, at least for me, is that fact that i’m constantly shedding hair wherever i go. really. our house is like a old western. puffs of my hair—i honestly don’t even know where they come from, they’ll appear 5 minutes after we vacuum—fly by like tumbleweeds.
my hair is everywhere. here are some of the more annoying places it shows up:
the dishwasher.
so annoying i don’t even want to talk about it.
attached to my lipstick/lip gloss.
especially when we’re driving with the windows open. in fact, you know what? i’m not even going to put anything on my lips if we’re going to have the car windows open. screw it. not even chapstick. i’ll go without. i’ll put it on when we park.
on holly.
she’ll unknowingly have one of my hairs somewhere on her body and yet she can’t find it so she think she has some kind of neurological condition until she figures out it’s actually my hair. sorry, babe.
the dryer.
OMG IT’S A SPIDER A POISONOUS SPIDER. i faint, only to wake up to discover it’s just a bunch of my hair that’s somehow been tied together by the force of the dryer. great. now i have a bruise on my head and i’m going to have to go to my primary care provider.
my purse.
HOW?
containers of spare change.
?!?
my mouth when i’m chewing my food.
where in the HELL is the MANAGER, there’s an insanely LONG HAIR in my. wait. this hair is connected to my head. it’s my own hair.
holly’s food.
sorry, honey .
my mother-in-law’s house.
sorry, susan.
anywhere i stay overnight.
sorry everyone.
anywhere i go for 5 minutes or more.
sorry humanity.
if you have long hair—or are cohabiting with someone that has long hair—please feel free to add to this list.)
lunch at 11:30 
Note to self: if I ever lose my hair and need a transplant find Jessica Leshnoff’s route to her GI doctor. Also, where did my thick hair go? I’m as Jewish as they come. I wasn’t blessed/cursed with the Jewfro.