mice: 1, us: zero

oh fer cryin out LOUD can you just leave us ALONE?!!!

oh fer cryin out LOUD can you just leave us ALONE?!!!

i really didn’t want to talk too much about this issue but i can’t hold back any longer:

the mice have taken over. they’re holding us hostage in our house. they’re demanding cheese and peanut butter and assorted crumbs and they’re not leaving until they get them.

ok, i’m over-dramatizing things. (they recently freed our hands but we’re still tied to our chairs.)  but it’s bad. we don’t understand where they’re coming from. or how they’re getting in. but it’s like, as soon as you kill one (yes. we kill them. if you have a problem with this, you should probably stop reading now), there’s five more. they don’t care who’s around or visiting or if you’re eating lunch, just reading a book, minding your own business. they scamper right on out onto our bamboo floors as if to say, “eff you. we’re baltimore mice. and even tho we don’t help pay your mortgage, we’re gonna hang around as long as we damn well please so you’d better get used to it and go to hell while you’re at it.”

there’s also a cat (or something big that definitely sounds like it has paws) in the wall and/or ceiling. and it crawls around, esp. at night when holly’s at class, and scares the sh*t outta me. i cannot take any more of this. i. am losing. my mind. [and pul-leeze don’t tell us to get a cat. yeah, we kind of don’t (read: really really don’t) like cats. yes, we’re gay and female in a long-term relationship and we have no cats. neither one of us has ever had a single cat. see? stereotypes were made to be broken. i also don’t own a single pair of boat shoes or chinos. so there.]

the whole situation makes me wonder how i ever EVER had hamsters as pets. they’re RODENTS. mice are rodents, TOO. as are *rats* [oh pls, don’t get me started on baltimore (and DC while we’re at it) and rats] man, i had a patient mother. mice are disgusting and, as i said earlier this weekend, if i could, i’d destroy every single mouse on the planet.

mice, if you’re reading, you’d better watch out. we’re coming for you and it’s gonna get ugly. this is war.


3 responses to “mice: 1, us: zero

  1. tickleslordchaos

    If it helps, getting a cat wouldn’t solve the mouse problem anyway. Most house cats are too well fed and too far from their wild roots to even attempt to kill a mouse. Heck, our local animal shelter has hundreds of cats and they still have a mouse problem.

    We’ve had mice in our flat for years. The pest control guy set traps for us, and eventually was able to figure out where they were coming from. Maybe you could start there?

  2. So the obvious solution is to capture a feral cat, and once inside, you starve it so that it must hunt the mice out of necessity.

    Have you considered a small anaconda or boa constrictor. They love mice, and *probably* won’t strangle you and eat you in your sleep. Probably.

    Maybe it’s time for a capuchin monkey, one specially trained to hunt out mice, break their necks, then tie them up in little plastic bags and throw them in the trash. He can also groom you or Holly in the evenings. It’s very calming, and it removes nits, fleas, no-see-ums and things like that.

  3. The little guy above and all his freaking Baltimore friends have set up headquarters in Mt. Washington. All I can think is that photo is a perfect summary of what my week has been all about!

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