something better change around here or else somebody’s gonna lose an eye

that’s pretty much what i said to holly. after she said, with a sick smirk on her face, that she felt like punching me in the throat. which was in response to me telling her that i felt like elbowing her in the face.

yes, folks, this is the face of pms X 2, which is what i talked about the other day. which is perhaps the biggest downfall of being a partnered gay female of childbearing age. since it’s about my turn to get my “monthly gift” (ha, those commercials are so funny) this PROVES that *i* JESSICA am the ALPHA FEMALE. i have, with my pheromones or whatever the hell it is that does it, dragged her ass into my cycle.  not that i’m gloating. well maybe a little just b/c i think it’s really funny. but the gloating lasts about two seconds considering the havoc hormones have wreaked on our household the past couple weeks.

i love holly. i love her dearly. we love each other dearly. but i am telling you something’s got to give, or, yes, somebody’s going to lose an eye.

it’s like this push-pull. when i get hormonal, i don’t want her near me. but whatever prehistoric pheromones are lurking just under (or on?) my skin make her morph into peppy le peu. she’s suddenly all over me. i’m like EW GET OFFA ME! and she’s like, well, she basically like the clip below.

(watch her face. oh that is SO me right now.)

did you see what happens to him at the end? yeah.

anyway, that pretty much sums up us right now. when we’re not at each other’s throats, she’s on me like white on rice. sigh.

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why do so many straight women sigh and say they wish they were ‘a lesbian’ when they’re having problems with men b/c ‘goshdarnit, it’s got to be so much easier’?

tell me. b/c i really want to know. give me one doggone reason you think it’s easier?? b/c you…both have boobs? yeah, not so much!

news flash for ya, ladies. it’s not easier. it could quite possibly be harder. in fact, all the civil rights/legal stuff aside (like how we’re paying $200+/month more than “individual plus [opposite sex] spouse” for my cobra benefits; and, now that i’m laid off i can finally tell all of you that i was being taxed over $350 more each month for holly’s benefits than my heterosexual colleagues, who were not being taxed *at all* on their spouse’s benefits. yup, holly’s benefits were viewed as “taxable income” by the govt. since we’re not “married” under state law. you know, after the $25k wedding w/the rabbi and all. and 150 guests. but i digress)…anyway, as i was saying, all that stuff aside, i will highlight only a couple reasons being with a woman isn’t the fantasy you imagine:

1. pms

oh. you think it’s bad in a household with just *one* of you going thru pms? HA! that’s not bad!!! TRY TWO! TRY TWO WOMEN AT HOME WITH PMS. try that on for size and get back to me when you’ve changed your mind. (hm? what’s that? you already changed it? what, so soon??)

for a long time, holly was like, when it came to “that time of the month,” oh, i’m totally the “alpha female.”

what’s the alpha female, you ask? i’ll explain:

whether us ladies are aware of it or not, there’s always that girl in a group house, family, etc. whose doggone pheromones or whatever they are screw up everyone else’s cycle. that’s what holly and i call the alpha female. usually what happens is that the women, whether’s there’s two or 20, sort of…fall in line. oh but not in our household. nooo,  that would be far too easy.

so holly’s been thinking she’s the alpha female. and i’m like, whatever, babe, kind of secretly believing she is simply b/c she’s stronger than me on some levels (ok many levels), as in: she can lift heavier things than i can and is a better driver and whatnot [no she’s not “butch” but those of you that know the two of us know exactly what i mean. i should mention that a certain relative of holly’s that shall remain nameless (coughcoughsharon–hm? what?) recently called me “a skirty girly girl”  and even tho i kind of am i’m not that bad). but then it seemed like i was dragging her ass into my cycle. and then sometimes it seemed like i was being dragged into hers. so we basically have this constant hormonal tug’o’war going on where we’re essentially at each others’ throats two weeks each month. we sometimes get this weird phantom pms from each other, too. so basically that’s pms four times a month.

nice, right?

also (#2) we have so many shoes in our house. omG the shoes!!!! you would simply not believe all the doggone shoes. or the clothes in general (#3). or the sheer girth of bras we have accumulated thru our 8+ yrs together (#4). also jeans (#5). also everything (#6).

oh and i just thought of another: IT TAKES FOREVER TO CHOOSE A BEDSPREAD (#7). or towels (#8)! or furniture (#9)! most men don’t care about that stuff. if they do, they’re lying just to make you shuddup.

so basically, if you’re thinking of “switching teams,” how about you picture pms times two (four, even) and no closet space. and you don’t really want to come out to your parents, do you (#10)? i mean, talk about awkward! exactly.

if you’ve read this carefully and you’re still thinking about gettin jiggy w/the womenfolk, you’re probably kind of gay already in which case you have larger issues and if you want to talk i’m totally here for you.

you’re going to think i’m a total bee-atch for saying this

but my feelings for holly change when she’s in serious need of a haircut.

she knows i feel this way, so it’s not like she’s going to be mad when she finds out i wrote this (i told her i was going to anyway; geesh, ppl, cut me some slack willya?)  i mean, i still love her. but there’s just something that happens to her–her face, at least, and her general demeanor (at least in my demented mind)–when her usually short hair gets somewhat overgrown.

“why do you look so grumpy today, babe?” i’ll say to her on those days, or, heaven forbid, weeks before a long-overdue haircut.

“i’m not grumpy!”

“you’re not?”

“no!”

(my pestering, of course, leads to imminent grumpiness, which i can usually alleviate by suggesting we rent a movie or go buy ice cream or something.)

“are you  mad at me?” i’ll also ask.

“no! why do you think i’m mad at you?”

“b/c you look mad.”

“i’m not mad!”

(and then she sometimes gets mad.)

holly’s hair is not long by any stretch of the imagination. (you can see proof of that by looking here) but when it grows out i it’s like i can’t see her face!  i love her eyes. oh those big brown eyes. i just feel like i can’t see them as well when her hair gets “long.” you’d think she was a sheepdog the way i’m talking about this.

anyway, i feel a great deal of relief when she finally gets her hair cut at our salon in dc. (shout out to our peeps at BANG! whadDUP!!!) her eyes look so big and brown again and her face, oh that cute little face, it’s mine oh mine again. suddenly she looks cheery and i have my holly back.

she just got her hair cut on tuesday and i am still on cloud nine. she’ll be lovable for about…ohhh…three or four weeks. then i’ll start asking her why she looks so doggone grumpy again.

“it’s like it happens overnight,” holly just said to me [we’re sitting next to each other on our couch right now; she’s looking over my shoulder as i write this (go’way, babe! i’m trying to write!)]

“i think having overgrown hair actually makes you grumpy,” i just said to her

“no! it doesn’t!” she’s saying. “it’s you telling me i look grumpy that makes me grumpy!”

i think we’re at an impasse here. whatever, i’m just happy to see your face again.