remember that time we got in a fight before downton abbey and i made you watch it by yourself?

I MISSED GIRLS, TOO. NOT HAPPY.

i barely remember what happened in the last episode of downton abbey (season 4, episode 4) because it’s been so long since i watched it. actually. actually no. it hasn’t been that long, i guess, because i watched it monday, not sunday, because holly and i got in a fight sunday night and i made her watch it by herself, which pretty much killed me because i desperately wanted to watch it, just not next to her because i couldn’t stand to be around her because i was so irritated.

doesn’t that suck? when you get in a fight with your spouse/mate/significant other right before your TWO FAVORITE DAMN SHOWS, WHICH RUN BACK TO BACK, AND THEY’RE NOT NORMAL SHOWS EITHER. NO, YOU HAVE TO WAIT A DAMN YEAR FOR A NEW DAMN SEASON AND EVERY EPISODE IS LIKE A LITTLE POT OF GOLD (sunday night is a twofer: downton abbey, then Girls on hbo, which hello. best show ever.) and then you’re so mad you want to punch them in the throat, not only because they’ve wronged you but because they’ve ruined everything. the night is ruined. the shows are ruined. and the only way you can avoid said punch is to walk away, which means you have to walk away from the tv also. don’t you hate that?

anyway, i guess this post needs to address the last episode at least a little. so here’s some commentary based on what i can remember, which, admittedly, is not that much.

-the cooking teacher. the french guy? did anyone understand what the hell he was saying? because i sure the hell didn’t.

-“her ladyship’s” new “lady’s maid”–obviously another freakazoid weirdo! cora is so…i don’t even know. i’m beginning to think her and her asshat husband deserve each other. i remember going to a farm as a little kid for a school trip and there were turkeys there. i looked at a turkey, at its eyes, and it was like, there was just…nothing there. and i wondered: what’s behind those eyes? do they even have a brain? that’s what i’m starting to feel about cora. also: does she suck helium? oh well. at least she likes orange juice. at least there’s that.

-mary’s really swinging some zingers at edith these days, isn’t she? geesh. (WHY’D EDITH GO TO THE DOCTOR? WHY? OMG WHY.)

-poor daisy. why’s she always pickin the wrong men?? the first one’s a homo. the second one dies. the third one doesn’t like her back. she’s really not all that bad. daisy needs a man. so does thomas. i stand by my earlier statement that thomas would be a whole lot nicer if he had a man. i’m sure he’d have better coloring, too.

-why’s lord grantham being all nice and whatnot to that farmer? give him time. i’m sure he’ll screw everything up.

-mr. bates is going to do something bad. we all know this.

-the new gardener. the letter opener. i have no idea. these ladies need more to do.

-molesley: still an idiot. i called that one last season.

when downton abbey was over, holly called up to me and asked if i wanted to watch Girls with her down there or did i want to watch it upstairs with her in bed. i told her i was too tired to watch it, which was a lie. what i really was saying was: DON’T EVEN ASK ME. COME UP HERE AND CUDDLE UP NEXT TO ME AND LET’S WATCH IT TOGETHER WHILE YOU APOLOGIZE FOR BEING A JERK. THEN EVERYTHING WILL BE BETTER AND THE NIGHT WILL NOT BE COMPLETELY RUINED AFTER ALL.

instead of reading between the lines she was like “you sure? okay.” and she watched it downstairs without me.

OH MY GOSH DID THAT MAKE ME MAD. sometimes i wonder: why did i even bother marrying a woman? why did i struggle coming out of the closet the way i did? why am i even gay? she thinks like a man. she acts like a man. she doesn’t understand that when i say something i actually mean something else. 

anyway, i was so mad i couldn’t even watch Girls upstairs in bed. instead i turned on the grammy’s and stewed and listened to holly watching Girls downstairs by herself. then i got madder. it was a vicious cycle. i tried breathing out the bad feelings down to my feet the way my acupuncturist says do so but it was no use.

when she came upstairs, i shut my eyes and pretended i was asleep. i made sure i was way the hell on the other side of the bed, too, so she couldn’t put her doggone cold feet on my legs. OHHHH NO. YOU GONNA USE ME AS YOUR PERSONAL HEATING STATION YOU BEST NOT BE WATCHING GIRLS WITHOUT ME, UH-UH NOT HAPPENING. WARM UP YOUR OWN DAMN FEET DAMMIT.

so yeah, we made up the next day. of course we made up, we always do. part of making up was, of course, making her watch both downton abbey and Girls again, which was all about death and kind of upsetting. the fact that holly watched these again with me means that she loves me. even though she was on facebook on her phone or her ipad or whatever. she loves me. this is what marriages are made of people. compromise.

sidenote: please make GIRLS an hour an episode, lena! PLEASE. WE WAIT ALL YEAR FOR THIS. WE WAIT ALL YEAR.

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NOBODY LIKES YOU, LORD GRANTHAM. NOT EVEN YOUR MOM. (downton abbey season 4 premiere recap)

how could such a cool lady have such a loser son?

when we left off, i had given up on downton abbey. matthew was dead. sybil was dead. everything was in chaos and i couldn’t take it anymore. but that was almost a year ago. and as the months ticked by, my pain eased. i started pining for that damn theme song again, and english things, like tea, and being proper, and holding in one’s emotions to the point of it actually being bad for one’s health.

anyway, i really enjoyed writing irreverent downton reviews last year and i think you enjoyed it, too. so i’ll take a break from my usual neuroses and get back to it. LET’S GO.

first some general thoughts:

1. i still can only understand like 80% of what people say. the whole show i’m like WHAT? HOLLY WHAT DID HE JUST SAY?

2. every time i watch that damn show it’s like my brain has an english accent for two hours afterwards. like…the voice in my head is speaking like it actually lives in downton. and when i talk, like, out loud, i kind of expect to be speaking with an english accent but…i still sound like i’m from new jersey. what’s up with that?

3. seeing how friggin O’BRIEN finally left (CAN I GET A WHAT WHAT), can we all agree that it’s pretty ridiculous that no one “upstairs” in that house is able to, you know, dress themselves? i know they’re rich but get a grip! c’mon cora! i know you can put on a dress yourself! OH WOE IS YOU, YOU LOST YOUR MAID. guess what?? SHE WAS AN EVIL BITCH AND YOU’D HAVE A BABY RIGHT NOW IF THAT WENCH DIDN’T PUSH YOU OUT OF THE TUB OR WHATEVER SHE DID. THIS IS THE BEST THING THAT’S EVER HAPPENED TO YOU.

ok i guess i only have three general thoughts. here’s some commentary on the characters:

lord grantham: i think we can all agree that lord grantham is more of an ass than ever. even his mom is calling him out on his shit. NOBODY LIKES YOU, ROBERT. ONLY THE DOG LIKES YOU. (can we get a hand for the dog?? cutest cast member!) why is he so power hungry? ew! i can’t stand him. it’s like: you already ran the place into the ground once, what makes us think you won’t do it again? give mary a chance! she’s your daughter! idiot chauvinist. you know what? just leave! take a vacation. we’re all sick of you and stop reading so much in bed. talk to your damn wife. you’re lucky she didn’t leave your ass in season 1.

mary: they did a great job making her look really terrible. i mean, really pale. good thing her father pissed her off so badly that she got some gumption and changed into a purple dress and started to kick some man ass. YOU GO GIRL. she did, however, still dig down deep and find the energy to be mean to edith. gotta love it.

edith. yes, edith: edith has been the bane of my existence. but, like, that time she told on mary after she saw her dragging that hot dead guy out of her room in the middle of the night….it was a while ago. and i know she’s really annoying but (sigh) everyone’s really mean to her and they’re laughing that she has a boyfriend. let the girl have a damn boyfriend! maybe that’ll calm her ass down. MAYBE IT WILL GET HER OUT OF THE HOUSE. anyway, she’ll probably move to germany and that’ll make everyone hate her more.

“her ladyship”: i thought i had bad intuition about people, but girl, you blow me right outta the water! get a clue! how could you NOT SEE that lady maid you just hired is a sketchy biznatch?! good job firing that nutjob nanny, btw. well done.

yeah, the nanny: if i ever see her, i’m gonna kick her in the mouth. what a weirdo!

granny: i do love me some dowager countess. she kicks so much ass. how could such a cool lady have such a loser son? she is the best character on the whole damn show. she needs a spinoff.

rose: who the hell is rose again?? GET OUT OF DOWNTON. NO SERIOUSLY. LEAVE.

thomas: if i had a choice between punching thomas or edith, i’d choose thomas. because while edith is just clueless and generally annoying, thomas is just plain evil. however, despite my protests, i’ve come to the conclusion that he’ll never leave. i made a statement last year that he needed a boyfriend and i stand by that. he’d be a whole lot happier and a whole lot calmer if he was gettin some. also: for once his evilness did some good and got that freak of a nanny way the hell out of the house. i don’t think i’ll ever say this again but good job, thomas. however, i will counteract that by saying: try smoking less! it’s going to age you!  how you gonna attract a fine young thang if you look like an old man and have a gross smoker’s cough? girl please.

mr. bates: something’s up with mr. bates. he’s creepy. i regret rooting for him.

mr. carson: that was quite a woman! did you see her picture? it looked like him in drag!

mosley: poor mosley! i’m telling you, when that dingaling jerk butler handed him that burning hot plate i nearly lost it. i used to hate him, but now i feel bad for him. why’s this show always gotta play with my emotions like that?? shiiiiit.

lord grantham’s an ass & other thoughts on downton abbey, season 3, episode 5

the sisters of downton abbey: edith (jan brady), mary (marsha brady), and the (sob!) late sybil (the sexy one).

seeing how i mostly watch bad reality tv and golden girls reruns,  you were probably filled with a mix of fear and delight when i provided commentary on the pbs series downton abbey last month, where i proclaimed that thomas must go, o’brien must go, sybil is the hottest sister, mary is marsha brady, edith is jan brady, and the turkish guy was hot, even when dead.

(if you missed that post, you can read it here.)

now that holly and i are up to date on the current season, i’m back to provide even more commentary, some of which, i’m sure, will make you want to pull out my weave (not wearing one, but still) and/or cut me. let’s begin:

lord grantham is an ass. i can’t even stand looking at his face anymore. all his decisions are bad. he says all the wrong things. he’s haughty and classist and he needs to smile more. i thought i had problems with him when he made the wrong decision about sybil (oh i’ll get to poor sybil in a minute), but when he tried to get all the girls to leave whassername’s house because the ex-prostitute who’s trying to get her life back together cooked them lunch, well that just pushed me over the edge.  what makes you so great anyway, ROBERT? you wouldn’t have a dime without your wife, ya gold digger! and you’d still have nothing if your cousin MATTHEW didn’t give you his inheritance from his dead ex-fiance since you lost all your wife’s money! stupid ass!

next up: lady sybil. oh my goodness sybil. i can’t even. i can’t…i can barely even talk about this. i can’t believe she’s gone. i can’t believe the writer’s killed her. i was absolutely shocked. i told holly, sobbing, that i didn’t think i could even watch the show anymore, and that this is why i don’t watch shows like this, i don’t have the emotional wherewithal to do it. i still cry every time i see the very last golden girls episode! the one where dorothy marries that guy and leaves the house? omG. real tears. every time. i can’t discuss lady sybil anymore, it’s too painful so i’m moving on.

mr. bates. kind of tired of him. i’m glad they got that lady to tell the truth because i was beginning to think he did it. but whatever. i like anna, and the house does need some serious cheering up. so at least there’s that. (but i am tired of his face and his stoic quietness. it’s like: speak up dude! i can’t even hear you.)

o’brien’s still a bitch and she still killed cora’s unborn child, but at least she’s setting thomas up for a fall however she still needs to go.

and while i’m mentioning thomas, let’s talk a little about mr. barrow, shall we? (oh i’m suddenly sounding british! you see how smart you get watching pbs??) thomas is an ass, too. but unlike stupid lord grantham, who’s just stupid and haughty, thomas is actually evil. i’m still trying to figure out how he hasn’t gotten fired yet! he keeps creeping his creepy way back in. but i guess they need him for storylines. anyway, i hate that he’s the lone gay. of course he’s evil, right? and of course he likes the hunky new guy, whassis face. thomas, ever heard of GAYDAR, ya moron??? whassis face DOESN’T LIKE YOU. not only that, he’s going to tell on your gay ass and get you fired!

also: mr. carson, the butler, needs to get a friggin grip. take the pole out of your ass and change with the times, dude! not to mention have a heart because you’re really starting to act downright mean. plus he’s nosy. i’ve kind of had it with him. i’ve also had it with mr. mosely. he’s so annoying he doesn’t even deserve his own paragraph.

other thoughts:

i’m glad they’re strengthening daisy’s character. i really like daisy. she’s being pretty mean to the new kitchen girl but i don’t blame her. (stop flirting with o’brien’s nephew (i forget his name) and do your job!) i also love the relationship between her and william’s father. finally someone’s being nice to that girl!

i’m  also starting to feel a little bad for edith. let the girl write in the friggin newspaper! plus she has to eat breakfast with the grumpy men while her sister and mother get breakfast in bed because they’re married. what ridiculousness is this? at least matthew has her back.

finally, ethel. poor ethel. i know i know. she shouldn’t have messed around with that assh*le general but she did and got pregnant and such is life. but man, what a bum deal she’s gotten. mrs. crawley is the only one that even gives her a chance. even though she seems kind of grumpy sometimes, mrs. crawley has wormed her way into my heart with that one.

i’ll finish things up with some thoughts on grandmama, i.e. violet, dowager countess of grantham. not only is she pretty much the only comic relief in the entire show, but how’d she get so doggone old? seems like life was really a crapshoot back then, anything would kill you. they barely even had antibiotics. they gave milk for fevers. (barf.) girlfriend has seen a lot in her years. all in all  she’s quite fabulous and i’m sure she has a huge gay following.

class discussion questions:

1. do you think daisy will accept william’s father’s offer to move to the farm?
2. will mr. bates finally punch thomas in the face upon his return? will he start speaking a little louder so we can actually hear him? 
3. will edith find a man to marry despite her jan brady-ness and history of being a bee-otch?
4. would thomas be nicer if he found a boyfriend?
5. will i ever understand what the prison guards are saying? (probably not.)

until next time! CHEERIOS! CHEERIO!