holly’s going to leave me for savannah guthrie

when it comes to women, holly is nearly powerless against what we’ve labeled in our household as the Triple Threat.

a woman that displays the Triple Threat is: 1, smart. 2, sexy. and 3, funny.

there aren’t many women lucky enough to be a Triple Threat. and holly’s pretty picky, so that leaves a fairly small pool. to illustrate what i’m talking about, the following are some of holly’s favorite celebrity Triple Threat ladies off the top of my head.

-drew barrymore (as featured in my 2011 post who’s your gimme? WE LOVE US SOME DREW. hey drew HAAAAY.)
-jennifer anniston
-shannon tweed (gene simmons’ wife)

i told holly i was writing this post, so i asked her to name more. here we go:

-chelsea handler
-liv tyler (steven tyler’s daughter. i just asked holly if she was funny or smart. “i have no idea but she’s sexy as hell!” alrighty then.)
-as a 90s teen, the natural next question to this was “what about alicia silverstone?” YES YES YES.  
-halle berry
-portia de rossi (ellen’s wife)
-she’s told me a bunch more that i may or may not be purposely forgetting at the moment. (no actually, i really do forget.)
-OH WAIT I JUST REMEMBERED A GOOD ONE! MICHELLE OBAMA! WHAT WHAT!

i’ve left one important woman off holly’s list because her Triple Threat-ness is so strong she will knock all the other ladies off the list. the list will simply explode into nothingness:

savannah guthrie.

savannah has Triple Threat  in spades. with her winning smile, sense of humor, knowledge of current events, and excellent interviewing skills, savannah takes the prize, folks. she’s also really pretty and dresses great. she is holly’s #1.

holly didn’t even need to tell me how she felt about savannah. i knew the minute she stepped into the co-anchor position next to matt.

i wasn’t born yesterday. i see the way her eyes sparkle when she watches savannah on the today show. and even though we’ve been together almost 13 years and have been married in multiple states and therefore would probably have to get divorced in multiple states, i know she’d leave me in a hot minute if savannah waved, winked, and said to holly, “come hither, holly. the future is ours.”

could i blame her? no. would i be mad. YES. would i still watch the today show? maybe. no. would i immediately remove holly from our family cell phone plan, since i am the primary account holder? YES. would i call and/or text her family before i did it so they could figure out an alternate way to reach her. yes. why? because i’m a decent person, that’s why.

why should they worry? after all, it’s not their fault holly left me for savannah guthrie. they’d probably smack her upside the head and say WHY’D YOU DO THAT HOLLY? WHY? JESSICA’S FUNNY AND SHE ALWAYS MAKES US TEA, EVEN WHEN WE DON’T ASK FOR IT. SHE ALWAYS KNOWS WHEN WE WANT TEA. IT’S LIKE MAGIC. AND SHE KNOWS HOW EACH ONE OF US LIKES IT. but then holly would tell them about the fabulous new york city apartment savannah is sure to have and they could all go there over thanksgiving to watch the macy’s thanksgiving day parade and they’d forget all about me. and savannah probably has a butler to make her and her guests tea anyway. i’m sure he’d make the whole damn family tea just the way they like it just like downton friggin abbey. plus savannah wears a lot of colors and i wear mostly black. i mean, even my chiropractor thinks i’m goth. they’d probably like that, too, all those colors savannah wears. especially holly’s mom. she loves color.

great, now i’ve made myself mad.

i’m playing like i’m jealous but i’m really not. i love me some savannah, too. and i love to  joke around about stuff like this. we’ve been together so long, holly and i, that i’m not worried. it’s not that i’m overly confident, it’s just…i know holly loves me. and apparently, according to holly, i’m kind of a Triple Threat myself. (it’s all the jokes. and the jeggings. she is powerless against my jeggings.)

(psych! i actually just figured out they’re skinny jeans. whatever! i love them.)

look, the bottom line is: savannah’s engaged (to a man). she kept it under wraps for a while, this boyfriend-turned-fiancée. or maybe she didn’t? but we hadn’t heard about it before they announced it on the today show.

oh that was a sad day in our house. when they announced her engagement. and she showed her sparkly ring to the nation. and they beamed out a picture of savannah and her fiancée.

i hope he’s good enough for her, holly said as she flipped my over-easy egg, sounding a little sad and defeated. (holly makes fantastic over-easy eggs, btw.)

i’m sure he is, baby, i said.

savannah needs a good man.

i know, baby.

he’d better be good to her.

i’m sure he will be, honey.

anyway. savannah, i know you’re all fiancéed up and everything. but, like, if you ever decide to, you know, switch teams, stay away from my holly, willya? you don’t want to be known as a home wrecker. and i really don’t want to have to change my cell phone plan.

hi savannah! we love ya here in baltimore! keep up the good work! xxo! jessica & holly

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dear meredith, i miss you already. love, jessica

meredith vieira: forever fabulous. (don't goooooo! don't! go! *sob*)

i’m just going to go ahead and admit it: when katie couric left the today show, i didn’t think i’d recover.

we’d been thru college together, my first job, so many ups, so many downs. sure, she didn’t know me. and i’d probably scare the hell out of her on the street by repeatedly hugging her tiny frame and telling her how much she meant to me. (SECURITY!)

no but seriously: i loved katie. perhaps more than one should love a morning newscaster. she was my morning mom.

“no one can replace katie,” i told holly, tears in my eyes, on her last morning with matt, al & ann.

 i repeated the same thing to my mother on the phone that night.

“that meredith vieira’s gonna have big shoes to fill!” i yelled, dabbing at my eyes, already kind of mad at her for taking katie’s place.

“i know, honey,” holly said, coming to my side. “it’s going to be ok. we have to give meredith a chance. she might be great.”

“and she might suck,” i added, always the optimist.

“and she might be really great.”

“we’ll see.”

boy was i wrong.

i’m here to publicly eat my words and admit that meredith vieira is the best thing to happen to morning television since morning television. she is so fabulous i can’t even deal with it. she has become my new morning mom (sorry, katie: you snooze you lose). she has exceeded my wildest expectations.

she is endlessly classy. and funny. and unflappable. and i’m going to miss her! oh hell, if i was on set tomorrow (or today, if you’re reading this wednesday), i’d probably hang onto her ankles shouting noooooooooooo! meredith! don’t! gooooooooooo! (again: SECURITY!) in hopes that she’d change her mind and stay for just, like, one more year. (hell, who am i kidding? one year would never be enough.)

i’ve been so upset about her leaving the today show, i haven’t even let myself think about it, let alone talk or write about it. but now that her last day has arrived, i can’t avoid it anymore.

meredith, you have been (oh here i go tearing up again) a joy in our lives (yes, holly loves you, too!) the past five years. we wish you the best with all your new ventures. you are a total rockstar. maybe you can come in for a special exclusive interview when i come in to promote my new book? (i don’t have a link for it yet b/c it actually doesn’t exist right now but it will, and it will be funny, and, yes, i could actually make the interview exclusive for you.)

if you (my readers) think i’m a loser for writing a post entirely about meredith vieira, shuddit. if you think i’m a loser for writing a message to her as if she’s going to read my blog, you can shuddit, too. b/c maybe she will.

in any case, if you love her, too, let your vieira love shine, baby. if you need to cry, you can cry on my virtual shoulder. i am totally here for you.

meredith, we miss you already.
xoxox jessica & holly

lady gaga’s going to perform on the today show

lady gaga: in need of a more supportive bra. also underwear and pants. (it's totally unsanitary to be sitting on that booth like that. i'm just saying.)

what time you think she’s gonna get up?

srsly! while i’m excited to see her perform on one of my fave shows (yes–the today show is really one of my favorite shows; shoutout to my peeps meredith, matt, anne and al! hey guys!) this friday, i’m even more excited to see her up early. for some reason, i am getting the biggest kick out of the thought of none other than lady gaga dragging herself out of bed at, like, 6am, maybe even earlier? to get to the show, get her makeup/get-up (omg what is she going to wear? i will get to that in a bit.), do a sound check, etc. and perform by, like, 8am.

i mean, there are some ppl you just can’t imagine getting up early. lady gaga is one of them. i can imagine her staying up until 6am. not getting up at 6am.

also: it’s going to be fun seeing her dressed in something really outrageous so early in the morning. and…in a heat wave, no less. i think if she wears one of her orbiting headgear type things, it’s going to get condensation on it.

it’s funny how rock stars have license to, you know, wear an orbiting headgear hat (ok, now i’m going to have to include a photo of that ) at 8am. but then again, meredith, matt, anne and al get to eat all the dishes celebrity chefs make–lasagna, salads, ice cream, chicken; you know, all the stuff your mother told you wasn’t “breakfast food” (i always hated that! still do)–at 7am so i guess it all evens out.

lady gaga, can i borrow your hat for my science project? i'm making a solar system and that would be *perfect*!