i want to go hunting but i don’t want to kill animals or shoot a gun.

ever since i wrote about “hunting gear” a couple years ago, i’ve been on this kick that i really want to hunt except for: a) i don’t want to actually kill an animal or b) shoot a gun.

shooting a big furry animal? one that’s cute? (and let’s face it: they’re all cute. even the ones that want to eat your face.)  i just couldn’t do it. i’ve also learned that when hunting, you need to drag the dead animal back to your car, then at some point, gut it. which, no. please, i can barely make a meatloaf!

i also don’t like shooting guns, because they’re a) loud b) dangerous and c) have kickback. and i try to avoid all loud, dangerous things, especially those that might wind up tossing my body like a beanbag. (hah, that was a funny visual.)

so i guess what i actually want to do is wear cool hunting clothes while hiding out in the woods looking at animals.

is there a name for this activity? because it’s definitely not hunting.

i think what might be a good solution is to take a moderately short hike in camo and hunting-appropriate boots, stop in the prettiest spot, and watch animals in their natural habitat while i picnic on a variety of forest-appropriate snacks, including but not limited to fresh fruit, sheep or goat’s milk cheese, and/or a selection of meats that don’t need to be heated. and pumpkin seeds. oh, and tea, from, like, a stainless steel thermos that keeps it really really hot for hours, because, really, who knows how long i’ll be out there? OH AND CHOCOLATE. DARK CHOCOLATE. mmmm.

other items to pack:
-a blanket
-matches (in case i need to make a fire, which, how do you make a fire? whatever, i’ll figure it out.)
-a tent (in case it rains)
-one of those wind-up lights that’s also a radio and a cell phone charger
-S.O.S. flares (in case of emergency)
-bear spray
-a knife (don’t ask; this just feels like something i should have)
-first aid kit

ok, i guess what actually want to do is to go camping, in which case i’m going to need one of those portable camping stoves. and some kind of stove top coffee pot. breakfast foods. canned beans. things like that. OH WAIT: BUG SPRAY. but without chemicals. natural bug spray.

this is turning into kind of an ordeal. maybe i should just go fishing. except i don’t want to bait the hook or touch any fish. so i guess what i actually want to do is sit in a boat or stand on a pier all day, catch and reel in a fish, and basically make someone else do all the gross stuff. (note: i have actually found someone to do this for me!)

so yeah. that’s actually all i wanted to tell you. how’s your summer been? mine’s been a little on the crappy side (hence not posting much). HOWEVER (however!) i’m thrilled to tell you that I HAVE COMPLETED MY E-BOOK, “THAT’S NOT A KITTEN, IT’S A RAT,” AND IT WILL SOON BE AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE FOR THE LOW LOW PRICE OF $2.99.

the gist of this e-book is that it’s actually a mini e-book (hence the reasonable price), designed to be read in one hour or less. it contains lots of what i call dvd extras for regular readers (like how i unknowingly peed my pants in kindergarten while listening to phonics records in my elementary school library) but also tries to reel people in that haven’t made it to this blog yet with tales of eddie the rat and the bottomless abyss that is my bag.

BONUS: if you’re somewhat local i am willing to come to your book club (yes! your book club!) to answer questions, or, you know, just to eat your food and talk trash with you and your friends. i will also bring HOLLY, whom, as you all know, is the real hero of this blog in that she is endlessly patient with me as i talk/complain about her and spill our business on the internet. (LOVE YOU, HONEY!)

trust me, i will let you all know the moment it’s available for download. in the meantime, does anyone want to sit and watch animals in the woods with me? make sure you wear camo. i’ll bring the forest snacks and the bear spray.

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water aerobics

that's me, gettin ready for water aerobics. wait, no it's not. it's me getting ready for synchronized swimming. haha.

ok, at the risk of sounding, like, 80 years old (not that there’s anything wrong w/being 80; in fact, i very much hope to be 80 one day, just not for 50 more years)…i tried water aerobics last night at our local pool and omG, i’ve never had so much fun exercising in my entire life.

holly joined me, too. we almost didn’t make it to the class b/c we were getting on each others’ nerves–longtime relationship’ers out there, you feel me on that one, i’m sure–and i was pretty much like, in all my jersey charm: screw it. but she was like: come the hell on. let’s do this. and sure enough, it was truly awesome. i even got roped into an adult swim class starting this wkend. yes, i suck at swimming. i won’t sink or anything, but i can pretty much only do that one stroke only old ladies (yes, the ones that regularly wear bathing caps, usually the puffy vintage floral ones) do–you know, the breast stroke, but the one where you never actually dunk underwater? yeah, that’s me. i do that. and yes, you can laugh now. (oh thanks a lot. laughing at a girl that can’t swim. that’s really nice.)

i think i have a crush on my Wii trainer

what? my balance is good? aww *blush* thanks!!! (ok actually? i have no idea what she's saying here b/c clearly it's not in english. it's just the best pic i could find.) (hi! see you tonight!!! can't wait!)

no, i definitely do.

i don’t know her name (and i don’t think she knows mine). and it’s not the way she looks (tho she is fit in a…mechanical kind of way). it’s that voice! omg it’s like…velvet. a hot soy latte on a blustery day. wooooh boy! baby baby.

i must clarify that this is my Wii Fit trainer. you know the nintendo game thingy where you run around your living room like a maniac swinging a remote, which is actually a tennis racket. or a bowling ball. or golf club or baseball bat. we got the system from holly’s parents for xmas along with this Wii Fit board. i was a bit wary of it at first (after all, the last time i played video games was the original super mario bros. like…back in the late 80s? yeah i saved up the $113 for it myself and played til my tiny thumbs hurt). but once i tried it (THANK YOU, CHRISTINA! are you reading?! love ya!) i was impressed.

so, in a nutshell, you can do all these aerobic/strength/balance/yoga exercises. and for the strength and balance sections, you choose a trainer: male or female. now, i know what you’re thinking! that homo, she probably chose the girl. oh but you are WRONG, my friends! i chose the guy. (i prefer male trainers, male hairdressers, male bosses, male colleagues; sorry, girls, but you know we can all be a pain in the ass and i can’t deal w/the friggin drama) i decided to switch it up earlier this week w/the female trainer and…yeah.

we were doing yoga together (siiiigh) last night, and i was like, hotDAMN i can’t deny it any longer! i cannot deny my feelings! oh Wii trainer, i love how you compliment my balance even when it’s way off. i love how you tell me i must have good posture (even tho i probably don’t). i love all your encouragement. most of all, i love that sexpot voice. rrrrrrrrrrrar! see you tonight!  don’t tell holly! 😉

this city can’t stop crime, but it sure can install purple lights overnight

yes, indeedy. our mayor may be making national headlines w/an indictment list a mile long (four counts of perjury, three counts of theft, and three counts of fraudulent misappropriation by a fiduciary and two counts of misconduct, according to the Sun) and the cops usually won’t even show up when we make midnight phone calls about our neighbors breaking bottles over each others’ heads, but doggone! them ravens! well, hon, you’d better believe the entire city is suddenly lit up like a chunk of freshly chewed grape bubblicious–purple lights *everywhere*.

city hall. the po-lice station. inner harbor. pretty much everywhere.

as a steelers fan (i met holly as not only an unaffiliated football fan, but hardly a sports fan at all; i have since morphed into a trash talkin’, chip-throwin’, jersey-wearin’, terrible towel-wavin’ football fan that, yes, “bleeds black ‘n gold”), this is particularly tough for me. but whatever, we’re in baltimore, i get it. it’s fine. (and to be completely honest, i’ve always liked the color purple.) it’s just really annoying to see the city responding so quickly to their sports team, while letting little scary things like, oh, crime–you know, stuff like the drug house across the street from us (and its associated daytime, in-plain-sight deals and lookout kids on bikes)–just sorta, you know, slip by. i’m all for team spirit, but c’mon. maybe if the city put as much effort into making daily life safer and more livable as it does installing purple lights, i wouldn’t be considering taking up kung fu to protect my jersey ass when i’m walking the 200 hundred feet from my car to my front door.