holly would rather watch “snapped” than talk to me

so yesterday, sunday, i was talking to holly about something–i don’t remember what, but it must have been important enough for me to take the effort to project my voice from the kitchen, where i was loading the dishwasher, to the living room, where holly was on the couch watching, yes, “snapped,” the oxygen channel’s scintillating show on women who murder.

so i’m talking and i don’t know if holly thought i couldn’t see her or just didn’t care, but as i speak, i see the volume level on the tv go up. she’s not responding to me, and it keeps going up until i walk over to the couch–where holly is mesmerized by some gruesome crime scene–and announce that i cannot believe she’s trying to drown me out with the tv, and doesn’t she even care enough about me or our marriage to engage in conversation?

“babe, i’m trying to watch something!” she says, then starts laughing so hard that she starts to hiccup, which i secretly relish b/c it always seems like good, if harmless, payback for whatever the hell she’s laughing at, which usually has something to do with me. this obnoxious laughing-then-hiccuping thing typically occurs when i’ve caught her doing something bad, which she actually thinks is quite funny. which only pisses me off even more.

this is a totally stereotypical thing to say but whatever: at that moment, when i caught her tuning me out with the tv, i felt a real kinship with my straight sisters all over the world, because this seems like something only a man would do–to drown a woman out with the tv.

(holly’s going to burst out laughing and then hiccup wildly when she reads this but i don’t even care. YOU DESERVE IT.)

i’m starting to wonder: why am i going thru the trouble of marrying this woman over and over and over and over–FOUR TIMES I’VE MARRIED HER–if she acts like such a man?!

anyway, i stomped off, vowing i wouldn’t talk to her the rest of the day, but of course i did. i can’t help myself b/c i love her. i also usually have a lot to say, but that’s besides the point.

last night i decided to “bond” with her over one of her favorite shows, “harry’s law,” which i don’t know why they call her harry? but still, it’s a pretty good show. and i decide to bring up the whole turning-up-the-tv-while-i’m-trying-to-tell-her-something thing, you know, during her favorite show. (in my defense: i did wait for a commercial.)

“that was really rude,” i tell her, crossing my arms, trying my best to scowl but smiling instead b/c she looked small and cute on the couch. (dammit!)

“babe,” she said. “you talk a lot! and i listen a lot! but sometimes i just want to watch tv! and you’re always interrupting when i’m trying to hear something!”

“IT’S RUDE!” i exclaim. “it’s rude to turn up the tv when someone’s talking to you! it’s not like i couldn’t see!”

then she tells me that it’s rude to interrupt whatever she’s watching, especially b/c i start talking during the most important parts. i decide to stop before we really get into it–and before “harry’s law” comes back on (admittedly, i wanted to see if this one guy killed his wife like his brother-in-law in the mental hospital says he did).

look, i understand that my partner needs to unwind sometimes by watching tv. i get that. but i’m a person. I’M HER WIFE. i wash her clothes that she leaves all over the place. i will not be drowned out by the television. (holly, you’re hiccuping again, aren’t you? good. hiccup. if you don’t like what i’m writing here, leave a comment. that’s what the comment section is for.)

i’d like to hear from women (and perhaps men?) out there whose partners–i’m guessing most of them are actually going to be husbands and boyfriends, you know, male types–turn up the tv when you’re talking.

do they think we don’t notice when the house actually starts shaking from the explosions on the A-team movie?? why do they even want to watch the A-team movie?? everyone knows the best thing about the 80s was “the golden girls”! when does that movie come out?! DISCUSS.

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how many shows do we need about new jersey?

YO! (the cast of jersey shore)

i mean, srsly, ppl. how many? and i am from jersey, so it’s not like i’m a hater but please!

it’d be one thing if the show painted my home state (granted i haven’t lived there in a long time but still) in a fairly positive light. but no. the women chosen for these “reality” shows all come off like loud-mouthed trash-talkin bee-atches (that are always unnaturally tan with unusually large hair) and the guys are roid-raging half the time, wear way too much hair gel–and are also unnaturally tan…with unusually large and startlingly stiff hair.

so, the shows: first we had bravo’s “the real housewives of new jersey,” which, i must admit, i have never actually watched b/c it looks like a total trainwreck and…i just can’t. i’ve seen enough of it in commercials and previews to know i just won’t like it and i’ll get disgusted and also feel embarrassed about my connection to the garden state. (i also get my one and only “housewives” fix via the nyc housewives, which, omg, i don’t know why but i love. holly does, too.)

[funny note: we were participating in a community yard sale/block party yesterday and we sold a coffee table to this one nice lady and her husband. she was new to the city (from md’s eastern shore) and of course i thought she said jersey shore b/c, as per usual, i wasn’t 100% paying attention) and i was like HEY I’M FROM JERSEY and once we cleared up the discrepancy, she said, “you know, i thought you were from new jersey. you look like a jersey girl. you look like that one girl from ‘the real housewives of new jersey.’ i forget her name. she’s cute but she’s mean.” i was like, “oh.” i still have no idea who she’s talking about and i don’t know how to feel about it. anyway, i digress.]

then we had mtv’s “jersey shore.” i’ve already talked a little about “jersey shore” here at lunch at 11:30, namely how huuuuge snookie’s hair is and how she must use bumpits to get it looking so…bulbous. that show’s like crack. you see it once and you have to watch the whole damn marathon (heaven forbid you get sucked into one of those). i’m not going to even get into “jersey shore,” b/c unless you live under a rock, you already know all about it.

and now we have the newest one: “jersey couture,” on oxygen, which is about–and i quote, from the oxygen website–a New Jersey family who runs one of the Garden State’s most sought-after destinations for extravagant women’s formal wear. The Scalis (aka Jersey’s First Family of Fashion) reveal how their tight-knit family manages to live and work together while running their glamorous, over-the-top dress shop, Diane & Co.

as my late grandmother would say: oy.

i’d like to know what you all think of the sudden influx of over-the-top jersey-based reality shows. i’m esp. interested in hearing from my jersey peeps. are they good, bad or just plain ugly??

jersey housewives: "no you DID'INT!"

"no YOU did'int!"

jersey couture: oh my gawd lookit awl those dresses