Tag Archives: news

dear meredith, i miss you already. love, jessica

meredith vieira: forever fabulous. (don't goooooo! don't! go! *sob*)

i’m just going to go ahead and admit it: when katie couric left the today show, i didn’t think i’d recover.

we’d been thru college together, my first job, so many ups, so many downs. sure, she didn’t know me. and i’d probably scare the hell out of her on the street by repeatedly hugging her tiny frame and telling her how much she meant to me. (SECURITY!)

no but seriously: i loved katie. perhaps more than one should love a morning newscaster. she was my morning mom.

“no one can replace katie,” i told holly, tears in my eyes, on her last morning with matt, al & ann.

 i repeated the same thing to my mother on the phone that night.

“that meredith vieira’s gonna have big shoes to fill!” i yelled, dabbing at my eyes, already kind of mad at her for taking katie’s place.

“i know, honey,” holly said, coming to my side. “it’s going to be ok. we have to give meredith a chance. she might be great.”

“and she might suck,” i added, always the optimist.

“and she might be really great.”

“we’ll see.”

boy was i wrong.

i’m here to publicly eat my words and admit that meredith vieira is the best thing to happen to morning television since morning television. she is so fabulous i can’t even deal with it. she has become my new morning mom (sorry, katie: you snooze you lose). she has exceeded my wildest expectations.

she is endlessly classy. and funny. and unflappable. and i’m going to miss her! oh hell, if i was on set tomorrow (or today, if you’re reading this wednesday), i’d probably hang onto her ankles shouting noooooooooooo! meredith! don’t! gooooooooooo! (again: SECURITY!) in hopes that she’d change her mind and stay for just, like, one more year. (hell, who am i kidding? one year would never be enough.)

i’ve been so upset about her leaving the today show, i haven’t even let myself think about it, let alone talk or write about it. but now that her last day has arrived, i can’t avoid it anymore.

meredith, you have been (oh here i go tearing up again) a joy in our lives (yes, holly loves you, too!) the past five years. we wish you the best with all your new ventures. you are a total rockstar. maybe you can come in for a special exclusive interview when i come in to promote my new book? (i don’t have a link for it yet b/c it actually doesn’t exist right now but it will, and it will be funny, and, yes, i could actually make the interview exclusive for you.)

if you (my readers) think i’m a loser for writing a post entirely about meredith vieira, shuddit. if you think i’m a loser for writing a message to her as if she’s going to read my blog, you can shuddit, too. b/c maybe she will.

in any case, if you love her, too, let your vieira love shine, baby. if you need to cry, you can cry on my virtual shoulder. i am totally here for you.

meredith, we miss you already.
xoxox jessica & holly

in other news, i have a rash.

this is not really news. at least not to me. or holly. as i am always getting some sort of rash. it’s annoying, and, at 31, getting a little old.

i spent much of yesterday and today running to doctors and pharmacies, with the top of my hands and wrists itching like crazy, praying i didn’t see anyone i know since my eyelids are swelling up, too. oh yes. yes yes yes. as a grumpy ex-colleague of mine used to say: “if it’s not one thing, it’s another” (the not-too-distant cousin of the equally annoying “damned if you do, damned if you don’t,” which she also favored. i cannot stand either one of those expressions, btw. it’s like, well, duh. there’s truly always going to be something. it’s called life.)

anyway, i have a theory about this rash, but i’m going to hold off and keep you waiting until my book comes out. in the meantime, it’s keeping me up at night–or at least waking me up–and making me glad we have our overpriced/gay-unfriendly cobra plan. i am hoping the antihistamines i was prescribed work so i won’t have to take the scary steroid pack i was also prescribed b/c woohboy, the one time i had to take that (for chronic sinus headaches) on about the second day i was filled with such a sudden, ravenous, completely insane hunger that i swear i could have eaten a couch cushion. or my arm. good thing we had tositos in the house. i wish i would have chewed them better b/c they scratched my throat.

anyway, the rash kind of threw a temporary wrench into my very temporary joy that a national story i wrote was going to be picked up by the today show, which is my very favorite show next to the golden girls (yes, apparently i’m 80). it is my big dream to be on w/meredith, matt, anne and al. i got word that a reporter was going to do it and i immediately thought: OMG MY RASH. THE RASH HAS MOVED TO MY EYELIDS AND THEY’RE STARTING TO SWELL AND I’M GOING TO LOOK LIKE I HAVE A PEANUT ALLERGY AND I JUST ATE A PB&J IN ROCKEFELLER CENTER AND NEED AN EPI-PEN.

my panic was, of course, unwarranted (as it usually is), b/c even tho they’re probably doing the story this week, not only will i not be on, but, for various (long winded) reasons, i will not even be mentioned. this is fine, tho. b/c i want my first visit to the today show to be for my book. and just the mere fact that something i wrote, that i came up with the idea for (while in weird-o acupuncture over the summer) is being picked up by my fave news show makes me extremely happy. and plus, i have a rash. it’s bad enough just telling you about it. like hell i’m gonna go on national tv w/it. c’mon now 😉

news from the hood

usually i’m kind of reluctant to read community crime reports b/c, well, i may not leave the house ever again. so how surprised was i when i read a local crime blotter [in a paper i usually toss out in the trash (i cringe saying this as i used to be a community reporter! but oh well)] and wound up laughing my ass off??

in the spirit of tuesday, which can sometimes suck as it directly follows The Very Suckiest Day (monday), i offer you the best of charm city’s aggravated assault: (i’ve taken the liberty of adding headlines)

‘Give me the airbed, or I will kill you.’
A woman told police that her husband, who was intoxicated, had threatened her with a knife, saying, “If you don’t give me the air bed, I will kill you.” He was arrested, during which time he spat on the police officer and verbally threatened the officer’s life while using racial slurs.

classic baltimore. guess that air mattress is pretty important. also probably not the best idea to shout racial slurs at cops. and threaten their lives. but hell, what do i know.

And you think you get jealous?
A man told police that he had received a call from his girlfriend, who told him to come outside. He did, and she threatened to kill him, then threw a steak knife at him but missed. She then threw a hammer, which hit him. She was arrested a short time later. The man told police that the woman was jealous, and that if he did not call her regularly, she became angry.


‘Take that, b*tch!’
A woman told police that she and her boyfriend were driving in her car when he attempted to drink some vodka. She pulled the bottle away, and in retaliation, the man poured a half-gallon bottle of iced tea onto her head and body. She asked him to stop the car and he refused, and then, when the car slowed, she jumped out. A warrant was issued for his arrest.

he poured a half-gallon bottle of iced tea on her head? probably the really really sweet kind, too. from, like, royal farms or something. probably pretty sticky. glad that wasn’t me. did anyone else notice two of the three items involve alcohol? more reasons not to drink.

there’s also another one about a man sitting on a bench, and a group of “juvenille suspects”  throwing a raw potato at him and then pulling a knife.

and these, as mr. rogers said, are the people in my neighborhood.