whatever you do, don’t panic

i need to say something: all the energy drinks and “shots” on the market these days are scaring the hell outta me. i mean, how tired and strung-out and overworked are we as a society if you can’t even walk into bed, bath & beyond w/out running into some weirdo twisted energy concoction at the cash register? (true story; totally saw 5-Hour Energy “shots” there last week. they probably tasted like candles, i.e. the way my clothes, hair and skin smell after five minutes there)

i mean, i can’t imagine downing one of those things. not even a red bull. not a monster drink or whatever they’re called. nothing. i remember my freshman year of college (shoutout umcp! holla!), student housing or some such organization sent out these little packages full of samples to all the kids in the dorm. “helpful” things like, oh i don’t know, deodorant, painkillers and No-Doz. b/c college students don’t already have enough issues w/out free, scary pills that make your heart beat fast.

 anyone out there remember No-Doz?? No-Doz was the go-to college all-nighter stuff long before red bull and the 5-Hour shots. little white caffeine bombs. and to 17-year-old fresh-outta-jersey me–that hadn’t discovered the joys of coffee yet–full-on panic pills.

why i decided to take them, i have no idea. i took them in the morning (morning? on an empty stomach, probably) and before long, my heart started pounding out of my chest.

“jess!” i whisper-yelled to my sleeping roommate, yanking her covers. “i…i took No-Doz! i’m…i’m freaking out! i can’t, i can’t breathe! i think i’m having a heart attack!”

she, of course, mumbled something about calming down, patted my shoulder and went back to sleep, leaving me to fend for myself. who knows how the hell i talked myself out of that one, but i did. this was the first and last time i took “energy” pills.

why did i tell you that supremely dorky story? i told it…well i told it to make you laugh. also to prove a point. that sh*t is scary! and now sophisticated commercial chemists are mixing caffeine with, like, panic-inducing jungle roots. plus they make it taste like soda or candy or both.

i’ll tell you what tho: the marketing folks at 5-Hour Energy (or whomever they hire to do their advertising) are brilliant. you’ve probably seen the 5-Hour Energy commercial, right? that “2:30 feeling”? after working in quite a few boring offices, i am quite familiar with that 2:30 feeling. especially after a sizable lunch burrito when you’re sitting in a warm conference room w/annoying ppl discussing crap you don’t care about. (wow! i think i actually fell asleep for a nanosecond while writing that!)

have any of you drank this stuff? were you whirling like a tornado til 7:30pm or did you pull a jessica circa ’96, fall to your knees and weep to your cubicle mate that you were having a heart attack? i hope you whirled b/c, trust me, if you have a panic attack at 2:30 in the afternoon on the floor of your office you will never live it down.

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i know instant coffee gets a bad rap

but i just want to take this opportunity (as i sip piping hot, yes, instant coffee) to say i think it’s unwarranted.

i am one who isn’t ashamed to admit when she likes something lame, unpopular, uncool or just plain cheesy. i’ve admitted my ongoing affinity for britney spears (despite her varying, very public mental states; hey, don’t judge. how would you act if you were constantly followed and scrutinized? i bet we’d all look more than a little nuts under the microscope). that mtv paris hilton show, “my new bff.” also lindsay lohan’s apparent lez-out w/”gal pal” (i.e. gayhomosexualgirlfriend) samantha ronson (hey, go’head and be gay for a day, girl! i’ve got no problem w/it! send pics!). i also love new jersey (HOLLA! where i was raised, YO). and i’m adding instant coffee to the mix b/c I’M NOT ASHAMED!

i didn’t even know i liked it until sheer desperation of terrible office coffee (eight o’clock bean, ugh) threw me into its freeze-dried embrace. i like to say that “bad coffee is better than no coffee” (i also say “bad curry is better than no curry”; i’m a huge indian food fan) but when it comes to coffee at my office, i need to break my own rule. i just can’t drink it. it actually gives me a headache.

enter instant coffee. all you need is hot water and you’re in business. you can make it as strong as you like and it’s ready immediately. [the best brand, in my humble opinion, is taster’s choice. you can even buy boxes (for just over a buck!) of these adorable little single-serve packets, perfect for when you’re up at the cracka’dawn in western pee-ay and there’s not a caffeinated cuppa coffee to be found.] don’t get me wrong, i loooove freshly brewed coffee but when i’m in need, i reach for the little, brown, caffeinated crunchies–my 9-5 savior. 

so there. i said it. the secret’s out, ppl. check back soon for more skeletons from my gayhomosexual closet.