part three: no matter how many times we get married, i’m gonna cry every freakin time

part 3 of a multipart series about our 3-weddings-3-states-1-day BFGW anniversary extravaganza (click here for part 1)

well you can blame holly for my shameful tardiness on part three. she got a cold that basically shut down Planet Earth and our entire household b/c i was making her tea every 5 to 10 minutes. then i got a cold. then it was christmas. then it was new year’s. then i was in a bad mood and didn’t feel funny or like doing anything, including writing.

my last post detailed our whirlwind trip to brooklyn & the anderson cooper show, home of lispy anderson cooper psychofans, one of which said i was just like his bitch sister-in-law (whatever, i’m sure she’s not actually that much of a bitch). the post before that was about our first stop in northern new jersey for my BFJHSR (Big Fat Jersey High School Reunion) where i actually managed to convince my former classmates that i invented post-its. (actually, i didn’t mention it b/c i didn’t want to make everyone jealous. between that and how good i look in jeggings–yes i wore jeggings to my reunion–i figured i might start to alienate people and really, who wants that?)

so we wake up the day after the anderson cooper show on our three-year BFGW anniversary riproarin ready to go get married THREE times, starting in new york, new york at the brooklyn municipal building.

we skip breakfast (lattes only; bad idea). we didn’t do research on parking (another bad idea). so we’re not actually first in line like we thought we’d be and in a city of 8+ million people i guess november 15th–or any other day, for that matter–is a pretty popular day to get married.

before we even get in line we hit a snag: despite holly’s online research to the contrary, we need a witness. we look around and zero in on a friendly-looking woman about our age. she’s accompanied by just about the cutest little button of a girl i’ve ever seen. blinded by hunger (that was only mildly eased by an overly sweet chocolate milk i bought downstairs while holly stayed in line) and the need to get married as fast as humanly possible (after all, we have to make it to three courthouses in three states–before 5pm. and the last courthouse is in vermont. and at that point it was almost 10am) i blubber out: hi! would you be interested in being a witness for our wedding?!

without hesitation–and with a thousand-watt smile–she immediately says yes, she’d love to. you gotta love new yorkers.

here they are:

mary & daughter: best witnesses ever.

so we finally get to the front of line and we’re praying we get the nice lady at the window, but of course we got the grumpy one. WE ALWAYS GET THE GRUMPY CASHIER LADIES. it doesn’t even matter where we are. we could be on the freakin moon and we’d get the grumpy cashier lady. the kind that don’t even bother answering you when you ask them how they’re doing.

me: hi! how are you? 

grumpy cashier lady (GCL): mmm-hmmm. 

me: we’d like to get married today!

GCL (sighing): can’t get married the same day you apply for a license without a waiver from a judge. 

both of us: what??

GCL (louder sigh): can’t get married the same day you apply for a license without a waiver from a judge. 

holly: but we didn’t see that on your website.

GCL: (blank stare) (goes to get equally grumpy supervisor)

equally grumpy supervisor (EGS): how can i help you?

holly: we’d like to get married today. we have all the necessary paperwork. we’re already legally married in washington, dc.

EGS: you can’t get married the same day you apply for a license without a waiver from a judge. 

turns out, we’d need to go to another building to get this waiver–if we could even get it signed. and it wasn’t just any judge. it was a supreme court county judge.

good luck, said the equally grumpy supervisor. they almost never sign them. 

nice!

so we run out of the building, run across the street and go up to the fifth floor of this other judicial-type building where we wait in another line to present a form to another front-desk person. except this time it was a guy and he was really nice.

he tells us that he’ll need to tell the judge why we want to get married today. we explain that we’re celebrating our wedding anniversary by getting married in three states in one day. and all before 5pm.

he says he loves the idea and starts typing up the form. then we wait some more. my blood-sugar is already low and i’m starting to panic. then i start getting emotional b/c i’m so happy we’re doing this. holly takes a photo of me as i wipe away tears with a crumbly paper towel from the ancient ladies room, then tells me she’s posting it to facebook. the lighting is exceptionally bad & the photo makes me look pale and blotchy. i threaten to elbow her in the teeth if she posts it. she tells me to lighten up. i threaten to divorce her in multiple states and she does it anyway. it never uploads and i tell her that she’s lucky b/c it was a close call.

the nice man comes back before she can try uploading it again and gives us a form with instructions on where to go next. good luck! he shouts after us. happy anniversary! (you really do have to love new yorkers.)

we get to the room, open a heavy wooden door and…it’s a big, scary courtroom. in session. with incredibly high ceilings and a very serious looking judge sitting at a huuuuuuuge wooden desk.

the judge looks at us. the lawyers turn around. the trial stops and the clerk motions to us to come up to her desk. it was kind of like the movies except for there was no jury, no popcorn and i was feeling kind of scared. was our wedding blitz about to end before it even got started?

holly hands the form to the clerk lady, who looks at it, nods and tells us to please sit down.

we walk back to the seating area–they’re kind of like church pews–and the trial continues. i look around the cavernous courtroom, wondering how long this is going to take and if i could make it to lunch w/out fainting. the trial has something to do with medical malpractice. something about x-rays and fingers and bones. just as i start to panic that we might be here til lunch, the judge stops and asks us to approach the bench. gulp.

the clerk hands her the form. she puts on her glasses and reads it, then looks over her glasses and down at us and asks us what the hurry is. she’s a distinguished, middle-aged african-american woman that looks like she has more important things to do than stop a supreme court trial to listen to a couple girls who want to celebrate their anniversary by getting married a gazillion times in one day.

holly and i explain quickly. we both hold our breath. please say yes please say yes please say yes, i repeat over and over in my mind. i’m sure holly’s thinking the same thing. every second feels like an hour.

the judge pauses, then breaks into a huge smile. why that’s a lovely idea. of course i’ll sign the waiver. congratulations on your anniversary!

yes, you really do have to love new yorkers.

we thanked her, sighed a huge sigh of relief and ran back to the municipal building, waiver in hand. the grumpy supervisor actually broke out into a smile when we handed her the waiver. and there was mary and her daughter, still waiting after all this time to be our witnesses.

we paid our marriage license fee and holly, mary, her little daughter and a young couple we befriended in line earlier all filed into the little chapel. and who turns out to be the local judge that marries us? the grumpy supervisor! and she even gets a little bit friendlier.

the other couple goes first. holly’s offered to be their witness. mary and i both snap photos of them. here they are, post-wedding, outside the municipal building. i wish i remembered their names! they were adorable.

how cute are they??

we’re up next. we take off our wedding rings and give them to the judge. as we’re standing there in the official chapel, i feel the waterworks coming on. and i fear it’s going to be bad. mary is beaming. this makes me want to cry even more.

this is what i’ve always wanted, i think. just a plain, legal ceremony. nothing fancy. just the two of us, a judge and a witness. and here i’m finally doing it.

the judge asks holly if she’ll take me as her lawfully wedded spouse.

i do, holly says, putting my wedding ring back on my finger.

the judge then asks me if i’ll take holly as my lawfully spouse.

i do, i say, finally breaking down in a blubbering pile of tears.

i don’t remember what the judge said in between, i don’t remember what she said before and i don’t remember what she said after. but it was exactly what i always wanted to hear. just like the the movies. except real life.

me, attacking holly, blubbering with tears, newly married in the brooklyn municipal bldg chapel. mary, our witness and new friend, beaming.

officially married in the state of new york (and washington, dc), we said goodbye to our new friends, ran out of the municipal building, grabbed a couple sandwiches and jumped in the car, connecticut-bound, for wedding blitz wedding #2. HOLLA!

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step *away* from the fries

everyone has that food. that one food that is nearly irresistible to them. i’m not talking about your favorite food. b/c i, like most of you out there, have many favorite foods (some of them are vegetables. dorky, i know). i’m talking about that one particular (usually sinful) food that, when directly in front of you, is nearly impossible to resist.

for me, that food is french fries.

i have to say that most times, i’m pretty good at avoiding them or turning them down. if i’m out at a restaurant with someone and he or she gets a whopping, mouth-watering mountain of fries and innocently asks me, “want some?” what i normally say is, “do i want some? yes. should i have some? no.” and with that, i’m able to resist.

yes, i’m the gal who asks for a side salad instead of the fries. b/c if i do get the fries, i just can’t stop myself.

case in point: last night we went to Equality Maryland’s 2010 lobby day, where lgbt folks and their allies go out and meet with maryland legislators in their district to discuss legislation pertinent to the lgbt community (same-sex marriage is a big one but not the only one). it was a busy evening, and i spoke up in our meetings. being busy and speaking up inevitably makes me hungry. it made our friends hungry, too. so we took up the organization’s invitation to swing by rams head and celebrate our efforts with some food and drink.

i ordered a veggie sandwich. i saw that all sandwiches were served with fries. i was too hungry to even care. i’ll only have a few, i thought. only my a**.

not only did i eat every single friggin fry in sight, i even ate the soggy ones under the pickle. plus the loser fry drowning in ketchup. the one that you usually leave over b/c it’s so soaked. yeah, i ate that one, too.

they were delicious. but then i felt sick and disgusted.

see, that’s exactly why i avoid them. b/c i can’t control myself! it’s exactly the same reason we don’t keep doritos in the house. or fritos, cheetos or tostitos (basically corn-based fried snack foods that end in “o”). if i have one, i have to have them all. so today’s question: what’s your danger food? the food that you have to avoid at all costs or else you’ll wind up eating them all. do tell.

ever get a grain of rice stuck in between your nasal cavity and throat during an important business meeting?

like, during a lunch? a business lunch? and you’re trying to be cool about it and not panic (because food never, ever belongs in your nose, esp. not in your sinuses or anywhere near them) so first you casually clear your throat and then kind of cough and you quickly realize that it’s lodged you’re pretty much screwed so you pretend you’re ok and everything’s fine when it’s actually not?

yeah, that was me today. thai food. white rice. a single grain in that strange, dark place where food should never be but sometimes ends up, four, maybe five times in a lifetime (if your’e lucky). don’t ask me how i did it, but i somehow managed to hold a conversation and move it down while not making any strange noises.

i’m always that girl. i’m shaking my head as i write this. i will not embarass myself with stories of my complete and utter ridiculouslessness right now. i suppose i’ll save all the truly mortifying stuff for my book (hey, that’s the type of stuff that sells). but yeah. today was a doozie. i really thought i was a goner.

once, when i was a kid, i blew my nose and a tomato seed came out. hell if i know how it got there, but i swear i never felt a thing. this i would have felt. lady luck was shining down on me today, folks. 2010 is already looking pretty darn good.

there are better things out there for me

i know this. i feel it. b/c i was laid off today. one door closes, a window opens.

i wasn’t the only one, either. ten percent of the organization was cut, 18 ppl.

i’ll tell you all, for those of you that don’t know me personally, or don’t know me well, i was miserable for a long time, so i’m looking at this as a blessing, an opportunity, more than anything.

i’m not going to go into it b/c, while i may have what some might call a big mouth (me??? never), i like to keep things classy. (anyway, all the juicy stuff is for my book, so you’re just going to have to wait 😉 ) but. i will say the following:

1) i have a sneaking suspicion i’m going to be getting a lot less headaches now.

2) while i’m stressing about cashflow (holly was laid off three weeks before our wedding, so, this doubly sucks) i am overwhelmed w/joy that i will be able to enjoy the season that i am ape-sh*t crazy for: fall.

 as in, i won’t be chained to my (ex) desk in my (ex) windowless office. i’ll be able to actually (gasp!) walk around, go to the park (with holly. during the *day*…sigh), stomp on soon-to-be-crunchy leaves and pet as many puppies as i want w/out any concern for time. as in: no busybody admin ladies who are all oddly obsessed w/my comings and goings noting in their little black admin books when i’ve left and when i return. the delight i feel at the prospect of this …well, i almost have no words for it.

3) twitter. w/said admin busybodies out of my hair, the tweets are unlocked, baby! it is ON! i’m in the process of putting the feed back up. bring it!

and, finally, last but certainly certainly not least:

4) lunch. lunch at home. and i don’t even have to wait til 11:30. (and i can eat it on the roof.)

good night, my lovelies. and to my facebook peeps: a million thanks for the kind words! (turns out facebook isn’t just great for coming out, launching blogs, having Big Fat Gay Weddings (BFGWs) and birthdays. it’s also pretty awesome when you lose your job.) you all are saying what i’ve been thinking since i got the news at 10 this morning, my breakfast barely digested and my to-go coffee mug from home still hot: this is a brand new beginning for me. and i’ll tell you something in case you don’t already know:

i’m completely unsinkable.

and like all those friggin cats that found their way into our walls this winter, i always land on my feet. something wonderful is going to come of this. i don’t know what right now, but it will. and altho i’m stressed in an unfamiliar new way, i have my life back. i. have my life. back. and i’m never going to lose myself like that again.

great news for all lunch at 11:30 fans

i’ve started work on my memoir, which will essentially be my blog on steroids. only better. in chapters. maybe w/capital letters? names will be changed to protect the innocent (or not-so-innocent, as the case may be).

who will play me when it’s made into a movie?? she must be hott. and willing to kiss chicks. no jersey accent required. 😉

“i’ve been busy, babe”

i noticed tonight that holly hasn’t made me lunch in a long while (and you know how i love lunch). like, a looooong while. the days of the weekday packed lunch? yeah, total halcyon days. (now there’s an SAT word for ya) .

b/c while my unlawfullywedded pard’ner may still be job hunting, she’s back in school and has lots of homework. so when i commented after dinner, “hey, you haven’t packed my lunch in a long time! remember when you used to pack my lunch?” she was like, “i’ve been busy, babe!”

busy my bum. i want lunch (!).

when was the last time anyone packed your lunch?

for real.

i mean, i haven’t gotten my lunches packed since, gosh, probably elementary school? [no, no, i wasn’t raised by wolves. (plus, there’s no wolves in new jersey. ijs.)  i just opted for the cardboard cafeteria pizza and juice drinks (whhhhyyyy??) once i got to middle school. (there’s probably a crust of that pizza or a some renegade fake cheese hiding out somewhere in my intestines. ok, that’s gross. but again: iJs.)] but srsly, if you stop to think about it, there’s something so special about getting your lunch packed.

it’s hard to put my finger on…maybe b/c the mere fact that someone does that for you means they care about you. and if you’re lucky, there’s a little something extra special in there for you–a note, maybe, in mom handwriting (“i love you” or “have a great day!” or “see you soon, honey!”) or a nice little dessert. the whole thing gets me nostalgic (i’m probably the most nostalgic person ever). so you’re probably asking yourself: why is she writing about this anyway?? here’s why:

now that holly’s home a good portion of the day (she was laid off in october, three weeks before our wedding. don’t even get me started), not only is she available to cook dinner [she’s a GREAT cook. messy, but great (hi, hunny! i’m sure you’ll read this sometime today…)] but she packs me LUNCH!

and you know how i feel about lunch. big fan of lunch. huuuuuuge.

these days, the lunches are leftovers, which i love. and the way she packs them is just so special. like, she puts everything in all these different tupperware containers and plastic baggies and knows i like this separated from that (i’m incredibly picky about these things) and wraps things in tin foil so nicely. this morning (after she made me a delicious egg & cheese sandwich) she put my lunch is one of the leftover gift bags we have from the wedding (used as welcome bags for out-of-towners staying in our hotel wedding block), which, fittingly enough, are made of brown paper bag material.

so i’m running around like crazy this morning, kinda grumpy from a headache (from today’s double-digit temperature jump, no doubt) and not feeling like i want to leave the house at all. and she’s like, “here’s your lunch, honey!” and i look down into this bag, and just above the lil ziploc bag of tositos (to go w/the tiny container of salsa she packed for me, awww) sit two of those super mini candy bars (milky way darks; also from wedding) and i’m like, “awww, hunny!” (yes, i’m a huge sucker for, well, pretty much anything.) i gave her a hug and a kiss and the world, despite the rain outside, suddenly became a much brighter place. and seeing how it’s just after 11 am, you know i’m gonna be breakin’ into that lil lunchbag soon. (but i’ll probably save the candybars til later) it’s really the little things in life, you know?