i didn’t anticipate crying the way i did this weekend. all weekend. at the indian restaurant when we first got into rochester (and upon hearing some wonderful, wonderful news). in the lobby the next morning, as nicolina (bff/MOH) and i sipped overpriced coffee on puffy couches. in the driveway of the happy couple’s home as Mrs. S (formerly Ms. JG, aka hottie social worker) and n. put their sweet arms around me, and kept reassuring me that yes, everything’s going to be ok, the wedding will be amazing and you will look spectacular and yes, you’re normal and no, don’t feel bad you’re crying. then again in the restaurant as we gathered for a post-wedding breakfast and said farewell (til november). and again (this time really badly) about a half-hour later on nicole’s shoulder at the rochester airport before she headed back to her beautiful city by the bay…
to be honest, two of those instances (indian restaurant and hotel lobby) i managed to keep the tears in–but just barely. and i’m not even mentioning all the times over the weekend i teared up privately w/holly. and now, as i write this, i’m crying again. these days, i seem to be a bottomless well of emotions. literally. i’ve never felt this way before. it’s almost like my feelings have formed this tight ball deep in my chest– somewhere between my heart and my throat–and it’s constantly unravelling and winding back up again.
it’s so hard to explain exactly why i’m crying. and when i try to start explaining–or even start thinking about it–i get emotional all over again. but after seeing some of my very best friends this weekend, i think it boils down to the following:
i love my friends. i love them more than ever. i loved them before but i love them more and more every single day. and when i think about their participation in this wedding, i swear, i just start losing it. see, the great majority of these friends i met in college. and i spent a lot of college joking around and having fun and doing crazy things to my hair. but, (like a lot of other ppl, i imagine) i also spent a lot of time in college holding things in, too afraid to let the tough jersey-girl guard down. nearly a decade later and seven+ yrs into a relationship, the tough-girl act is long gone. sure, i still do my share of trash talkin, still wear lots of black and yeeees, still rock the spiky belts pretty much every day. but anyone who knows me knows that i just might be one of the most sensitive ppl in the universe. some days i honestly feel like an open wound. like, i can barely even watch tv news. and i’m so used to showing holly that side of me, of not holding anything back, that–as odd as it sounds–showing it to my oldest friends–the ones who knew me way back when–is tough for me. but i finally let ‘er rip this weekend. and it felt good. so, as we reach the official two-month mark til our wedding (today; gulp), i just want to say to my friends: thank you. i love you. and thank you for loving me. looking into your eyes (but mostly looking down, i suppose, considering all the tears and nose-blowing) in simos’ driveway, under the gray skies of rochester, receiving your hugs on his stoop, was more than i could have ever asked for. i’ll see you girls soon. xxo.