Category Archives: BFGW (Big Fat Gay Wedding)

funny, i don’t *feel* 30 yet

is it, um, supposed to happen sometime soon? b/c i’m officially 30 today and i still have that nagging perpetually-15 feeling. maybe it’s my bangs, or shameless addition to pop culture, denim and, um, gum. or the fact that i can’t concentrate on anything (these days, at least) for more than, like, five minutes. or, come to think of it, the fact that i still say “awesome” like i’m still livin’ on a prayer in jersey circa ’88. or that i still say “like.” also that.

i remember when i turned 20 (holy CRAP 10 years ago, what IS this!??), i was over the moon. omg, you have no idea. i was SO EXCITED to exit teenagehood, b/c honestly? it sucked. honestly it did. yeah, i’m not quite as excited to say goodbye to my 20s. but, it’s kinda like, i really don’t have a choice (!). and it’s good this way. b/c as i said in a previous posting, turning 30 is most definitely (ok, world’s biggest understatement here) better than not turning 30. so all in all, i’m thrilled, just absolutely thrilled. i am one to count my blessings, and i definitely have a lot of those. way too many to list here. so! happy birthday to me and i shall now switch to another subject:

so after seven+ yrs of hearing about each other, our parents finally met on saturday at our wedding shower. and you know what? yes, you guessed it: our collective world did not shatter. (those who know me know that i’m constantly expecting my world to shatter) in fact, they really liked each other! i was like *blink blink blink* do i *blink blink blink* really see our moms sitting across from each other t-t-t-talking? and our dads standing around makin small talk? really, it was just too awesome to believe. sometimes i get what neurologists call “let-down” headaches after a stressful time. that didn’t happen this time around. but what i got was an friggin awful stomachache! at my own shower! now, it could have been all the fresh melon in the fruit salad (ok, now i’m an old lady: OY FRESH MELON GIVES ME INDIGESTION) or just the fact that i was so relieved everything was ok. but i was poppin rolaids like it was going out of style and kind of doubled over at our funny “head table,” which really, was a bit sad but mostly dorky. (not the table, me. haha.) (note to self: steer clear of fruit salad on wedding day.) 

so in honor of my 30th year, i say the following:
wtf idk. iJs.

here’s to a helluva lot more birthdays. onwards!

i’ve got to tell all of you

that, according to wordpress’ wonderful and all-knowing stats page, the most popular search terms folks use when they stumble upon this blog usually go something like this:

“song trying to catch your heart”
trying to catch your heart is like trying to catch a star”

“how to say gay in russian”

and of course there’s always:
“gay man in past life” (tho that was only once)

hey, whatever works! you know i love me some new readers.

so think good thoughts, everyone, as our worlds gently…collide? no…ummm….greet each other this weekend. after our parents meet, we need to go to PA (in a couple weeks) to tell holly’s grandma that we’re tying the knot. we don’t know how she’ll take it. she kind of gets that we’re together but kind of not? my chiropractor told me today that i ought to write a book about all this. never a dull moment, i tellya. that’s prob. why i’m at the doggone chiropractor so much. also popping migraine meds.

happy weekend, all! i know you all need it as much as i do.

november’s coming like a freight train

and our parents are meeting for the first time this weekend.

did i mention i’m turning 30 on monday?

send help! my life is becoming a ben stiller movie!

full circle

so here it is: the eve of rosh hashanah, the jewish new year, and it occurs to me that i’ve done absolutely no soul-searching. no evaluation of the year gone by (the lunar year; the jewish calendar is way ancient and goes by the moon). no resolutions, no commitments to do better, to be better. nothing. b/c my head is full of wedding plans and wedding drama (some of which is quite heartbreaking; something i’ll never go into on this space). we’ll say blessings over apples and honey tonight and tomorrow and the next day, a tradition as we wish for a a “sweet” new year.

it’s crazy what goes on in a year. i sit in services each fall with a prayer book in my lap, trying to think back on what’s happened since the last high holidays…and then i think of the year to come and all the challenges i’m sure to face and hopefully the blessings and we as a congregation pray for the best. who’d have imagined everything that’s gone on this past year?? getting engaged, planning a wedding, preparing to start a whole new chapter in my life. and also turning 30 (!). also that. (but it’s not like i didn’t know that one was coming!)

i named this entry “full circle” b/c of something that happened over the weekend. ok, first a little history. almost eight years ago (eight!!!), the night holly and i met, i went to a sandra bernhard performance on the campus of my alma mater. afterwards (fresh outta college and riproarin’ready to stay out late), i went out to a bar w/a group of friends (we’ve long since lost touch). holly and i met at that bar by chance, we really did. and thank G-d for that. b/c that night in early april 2001 was perhaps one of *the* most important of my life. so, yes, i went out that night, buoyed by ms. bernhard’s rowdy humor, ready for a good time. holly’s friends dragged her from baltimore, where she was living at the time (i was living in what you might call a…roach motel…in takoma park/silver spring). and so we met. and then emailed. and then talked on the phone. and here were are, all these years later, planning our wedding.

so over the weekend, we went to our ceremony site. we’re renting the theatre and honestly, we’ve barely spent any time there. (see this entry for an explanation) so we were excited and a little anxious to finally see the place where we’re going to get (woah) married. we walk into the theatre and it’s chilly and echo-y and the stage is set up down below with band equipment and there’s black tables and chairs off to the side of the stage, the kind you’d see in a comedy club. a woman who works at the facility whispers to us that none other than ms. bernhard would be performing there in a few hours–and i couldn’t help but get a little vaklempt, to think that almost eight years ago i saw her perform and then met holly. and here we are, all these years later, standing here at the top of the theatre (about four blocks from where we originally met), looking down at the very spot we’ll be getting married, the very spot where she’d be performing that night. “oh, i’m sure she’d love that story,” the woman told us, smiling widely. i think she would, too.

full circle.

here’s to a shana tova umetukah “a good and sweet year.” b/c no matter who you are, where you are, what you’re doing, we all could certainly use one.

ok wait

fitting’s been postponed due to a broken sewing machine. (d’oh!) this is actually ok, as it gives me more time to work off said fries. mmmmmm….*fries*……

my last fitting’s tonight

and i have a sneaking suspicion that i shouldn’t have eaten all those fries last night. oops. (and i suppose the fact that i ate them w/cheese sauce makes it even worse. but c’mon! i’ve been *so good* for so long! and even a bride-to-be’s gotta live a little…)

[i guess it’s more accurate to say that this will be my last fitting until a week or two before the wedding. and hopefully said fabulous dressmaker will need to take it in a tad more by then. (note to self: no more cheese fries!)]

in other news, i really appreciate the turning-30 support that all my buds sent via comments on yesterday’s entry. i’m also happy to report that my two+ day migraine has broken. i don’t even know how i wrote that entry yesterday! the power of copious amount of coffee. never, ever underestimate the power of coffee.


so it finally happened

txt msg
to: bff/MOH
when: 6:20 p.m. wed.sept. 17
from: parked car behind dressmaker’s, somewheresville, baltimore

me: omg. nicole, its so perfect. i cried when i put it on. i cant believe it…

five minutes later, my cellphone’s ringing and i see an unfamiliar area code. it’s nicolina, calling cross-country from her city by the bay. and altho she’s exhausted from weeks of travel, she manages a giant HIIIIII and the gushing commences.

it finally happened. what i thought would never, ever  happen to a big-mouthed jersey girl like me. even w/all my crying over the past few months, i never thought a dress–or any single piece of clothing–could make me cry. but yesterday, in an almost-secret shop in baltimore, it happened. and i’ve been walking on air ever since.

i’ve heard from friends (and in magazines and on tv and in the movies), “as soon as i put the dress on, i started crying. and that’s how i knew it was the one.” secretly i always thought, man. no way that’s ever happening to me. i’m just not that type of girl. i’ve never been that type of girl. but i tried my dress on last night and it happened: i started to cry.

there i was, in this heartwarming little hole-in-the-wall shop, crammed into in a stuffy woodpaneled dressing room. i get it halfway zipped (i need help to get the zipper all the way up; i was excited that it actually had a zipper, b/c thus far it’s just been a bunch of sharp pins) and i turn around and look at myself. and i look…really nice. different than i’ve ever looked before.

i open the folding door and sorta shuffle out (the slit isn’t quite finished yet). my pointy workshoes click-clack against the tile floor, and, lump in throat, silently enter the shop where the dressmaker and her assistant are waiting for me. their eyes widen and they start coo-ing, half-russian, half-english. seeing their faces, i just can’t hold it in anymore. i start crying and we all hug. suddenly, they’re my family. she’s my stand-in mother and her assistant’s an aunt or an old family friend (that i can’t speak to in english, but we didn’t need words). i’ve just been so heavy-hearted the past year or so as we’ve planned this wedding, with my mom so far away (and so busy with her job) in new jersey. and of course, my MOH is in san francisco. so it’s just been little ol clueless me researching dresses, going to buy material, stopping by the dressmaker’s on my way home from work. as we looked at each other–me, standing there in this elegant dress and these two women, starry-eyed, with their hands over their mouths–i just felt so loved. and to know that they finally know who  i’m marrying (i.e. not a man) and don’t give a hoot made me love them even more.

they did some more pinning, and i changed back into my usual workclothes (black button-down, dark jeans, aforementioned clickety-clack pointy-toed shoes). we agreed that once the dress is complete (next week, after one more fitting), i would leave it there for safekeeping (and to keep holly from even getting close to it). “dis is a secret,” the dressmaker told me. don’t tell anyone what the dress looks like. surprise everyone. i wonder if she realized the person most likely to be surprised was right there standing in front of her: me.