the one in which i’m too depressed and shocked to write a downton abbey review

i thought i might have something funny to say about last night’s downton abbey until the last five minutes. let’s put that aside for a minute while i share some general insights:

1. i really had no idea what the hell was going on for, like, the first 10 to 15 minutes of the episode. who were all of these people and why were they there? i turned to holly and was like: “did we miss an episode? do you understanding what’s going on?” and she was like “no.” so that was a relief that it wasn’t just me. during those first 10-15 minutes i also could understand even less of what they were saying than usual. i feel like it was a huge backslide for me. i’m not used to smart tv like this and it takes work for me to keep up. try to keep the connections between the episodes stronger, ok, pbs? work with me here. 

2. did anyone else notice how mary was riding that horse?? SHE WAS RIDING IT SIDEWAYS. this was, like, a thing back in the day? that’s some mad skillz, mary! get it girl! and that guy totally likes you and he’s pretty cute! and you be talkin SHOP with him! wearin purple and sh*t! day-um.

3. edith: edith got very little airtime this week. and her old man boyfriend’s apparently some kind of…card shark?

4. lord grantham: STILL AN IDIOT! how do you NOT know how to talk to a singer?? idiot! making her eat her dinner alone in her room….seriously. every episode i wonder how cora married him. and then she opens her mouth and i’m like: oh.

OH YEAH AND THIS TIME HE GAMBLED ALL THE MONEY AWAY. good thing edith’s old man was there to save your ass! someone’s always savin your ass, rob! get a clue. stop talking and just…go to bed. take off your damn bathroom and go to bed.

5. apparently william the footman knows how to cook? he can make, like, dill sauce? for fish? while poor mrs. patmore has a panic attack? and what if she *was* having a heart attack? how long did it take for that doctor to come over? probably something like 90 minutes! this show makes me glad to live in 2014.

6. i knew that kind of new girl–whasser face, cora’s new ladymaid or whatever? i knew she was up to no good. pumping poor branson with alcohol. not looking forward to seeing how this plays out.

ugh. i don’t even think i can go on. #1. i haven’t had breakfast yet. #2. i’m too shocked and depressed. this show is going in a dark direction and i don’t think i’m ready for it. i’m going to have to rewatch the first two episodes of girls (OMG JESSA NOOOOO) so i can forget about it. this is why i only watch golden girls/friends/will & grace reruns, millionaire matchmaker, and snooki & jwoww. sigh. until next time…yours truly in irreverent-ness & non-english-ness, jessica

(miss last week’s review? read it here.)

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5 responses to “the one in which i’m too depressed and shocked to write a downton abbey review

  1. WARNING: My numbers do not correspond to your numbers. 1) there should have been some type of warning for the last 10 minutes of the show. It was terrible! 2) Mary was riding “sidesaddle”… They even have a special saddle for it. 3) Lord G – complete and total fool! He really just needs to sit down in a corner somewhere and drink his “special wine”. 4) what do you think about the new guy pursuing Mary?

  2. You crack me up about Lord Grantham. I cannot stand that man. Every time he opens his mouth he reveals what a giant ass he is. Why they even let the man have a say in anything or even have pocket change is beyond me. All he knows how to do is spout off sexist, antiquated crap and lose the family’s fortune over and over again. The only good thing he ever did was stick up for Thomas and gay rights. If it wasn’t for that, they should’ve killed him off last season.

  3. SIDESADDLE? i have never heard of such a thing! the new guy pursuing mary….i think he seems nice (for now!?) and kinda foxy in an early-20th century british kinda way 😉 (holly just asked if he was a cousin! HAH! omg NO MORE COUSINS DATING AND MATING WITH OTHER COUSINS. EVEN IF THEY’RE DISTANT.)

  4. sonia, couldn’t agree with you more. was duct tape around back then? someone needs to duct tape his mouth shut. (and his pockets.) grandma needs to send him away.

  5. Yeah — we’re done with DA. Frankly, I find it boring. I couldn’t even get through the first episode and have no interest in the second (though Doug’s commentary makes it almost worth it). BUT I WILL READ YOUR RECAPS, because, you know. ‘Girls’, now …

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