THIS MAN NEEDS A BOYFRIEND.
after sunday night’s epic two-hour episode of downtown abbey (season 3, episode 6), i think it’s safe to say two things: that thomas may never, ever leave and mr. carson is, in fact, a closeted homosexual.
it’s also safe to say that no one actually cares about “the business of downton.” (ok, holly just told me she cares, but she’s the only one.) it’s a boring plot line! all we care about is gossip! i don’t think i speak just for myself when i say that i actually kind of wanted thomas and whassisface to kiss. i’m sure it would be a much more exciting kiss than any other kiss that’s ever happened in the entire series, certainly more exciting than the dry-mouth cousin kissing between mary and matthew–but i’ll get to that in a sec.
look, the bottom line is that thomas needs a boyfriend and he needs one fast. if he doesn’t get a little action, he’s going off the rails on the crazy train and it’s not gonna be pretty.
other thoughts:
mr. carson is obviously a self-loathing homosexual most likely attracted to thomas. his very loud proclamations that thomas’ gayness is both “revolting” and “foul” are simply to cover up his true feelings, which are strong yet tender and obviously eating him alive.
about bates:
bates seems to annoy me less when he’s clean-shaven but he’s still pretty annoying. i totally forgot about his gimpy leg until he was standing outside the prison with his cane. did they take away his cane in prison? how did he even get around? i have no idea.
mary/matthew:
i’m getting increasingly uncomfortable watching mary and matthew kiss on their bed. it seems wrong on many levels. i just keep thinking, stop touching each other! you’re cousins dammit! i’m really not interested in seeing anything even remotely resembling their sex lives. i’m not even comfortable seeing mary in her nightgown.
also: considering the crudeness of early 20th-century medicine, how did mary get away with having secret gynecological surgery? wouldn’t she need a long time to recover? why couldn’t they tell each other they were going to the doctor? why is it such a secret? and how could they go to the same reproductive doctor? that seems weird.
lord grantam, friend of the gays:
i was going to start off this post by saying that the only living organism that actually cares for/can stand to be around lord grantham is his cute yellow lab, whose butt and wagging tail we see in the first moments of the opening credits. (that dog needs more airtime.) but seeing how he’s proven to be an early 20th-century LGBT ally, how can i hate him? i just can’t justify hating him anymore.
DAMN THIS SHOW. i swear, i’m up, i’m down, i don’t even know what i’m feeling anymore! the thing about downton abbey is just when you think you kind of hate someone something happens and you kind of start liking that person again, or at least start feeling sympathetic towards him or her.
for example, i’ve spent all three seasons disliking thomas to the point of wanting to elbow him in the mouth. but, as a fellow gay and human being, i actually feel bad for the guy. not bad enough that he should get a promotion. but pretty damn bad. i’m sure i’ll start hating him again soon enough.
closing thoughts:
like thomas, edith needs a man. but not one that’s like, old. or one that’s married and can’t get divorced. even though he’s her boss, i’m glad that editor told her she looked pretty. everyone needs a compliment now and then. even edith.
mrs. hughes is the unsung hero of the whole damn show. i do love me some mrs. hughes.
molesley‘s still a huge dork. i knew he couldn’t play cricket! idiot.
o’brien’s nephew, whassis face (or as i like to call him The One That’s So Pale His Eyebrows Actually Disappear), he’s a pain in my ass. he can bite it. i bet he’s gay, too.
class discussion questions:
1. why was the priest that christened the baby so pale?
2. the new girl, rose? did she mean for her hair to look like that? it looked really bad.
3. why was the episode two hours? that was a pleasant yet disorienting surprise.
4. have you noticed the more upset thomas gets, the more he looks like a vampire. GET HIM A BOYFRIEND OR EVERYONE WILL SUFFER!
5. will i ever stop accidentally calling the show “downtown” abbey? (highly unlikely.)
come back next week for more edge-of-your-seat, horribly inappropriate commentary on the (gasp!) season finale. (previous commentary is here and here.)
CHEERIOS! CORNFLAKES! RAISIN BRAN! CHEERIO!
lunch at 11:30 
“i knew he couldn’t play cricket! idiot.”
87% of what you write should be put on a t-shirt. Just saying.
I love your reviews!!!
CORNFLAKES!
Desperately awaiting next commentary installment …. ps: though the final episode was in general a travesty, I appreciated that Thomas and what’s his name were going to be friends hopefully. Very nice!