so yesterday, sunday, i was talking to holly about something–i don’t remember what, but it must have been important enough for me to take the effort to project my voice from the kitchen, where i was loading the dishwasher, to the living room, where holly was on the couch watching, yes, “snapped,” the oxygen channel’s scintillating show on women who murder.
so i’m talking and i don’t know if holly thought i couldn’t see her or just didn’t care, but as i speak, i see the volume level on the tv go up. she’s not responding to me, and it keeps going up until i walk over to the couch–where holly is mesmerized by some gruesome crime scene–and announce that i cannot believe she’s trying to drown me out with the tv, and doesn’t she even care enough about me or our marriage to engage in conversation?
“babe, i’m trying to watch something!” she says, then starts laughing so hard that she starts to hiccup, which i secretly relish b/c it always seems like good, if harmless, payback for whatever the hell she’s laughing at, which usually has something to do with me. this obnoxious laughing-then-hiccuping thing typically occurs when i’ve caught her doing something bad, which she actually thinks is quite funny. which only pisses me off even more.
this is a totally stereotypical thing to say but whatever: at that moment, when i caught her tuning me out with the tv, i felt a real kinship with my straight sisters all over the world, because this seems like something only a man would do–to drown a woman out with the tv.
(holly’s going to burst out laughing and then hiccup wildly when she reads this but i don’t even care. YOU DESERVE IT.)
i’m starting to wonder: why am i going thru the trouble of marrying this woman over and over and over and over–FOUR TIMES I’VE MARRIED HER–if she acts like such a man?!
anyway, i stomped off, vowing i wouldn’t talk to her the rest of the day, but of course i did. i can’t help myself b/c i love her. i also usually have a lot to say, but that’s besides the point.
last night i decided to “bond” with her over one of her favorite shows, “harry’s law,” which i don’t know why they call her harry? but still, it’s a pretty good show. and i decide to bring up the whole turning-up-the-tv-while-i’m-trying-to-tell-her-something thing, you know, during her favorite show. (in my defense: i did wait for a commercial.)
“that was really rude,” i tell her, crossing my arms, trying my best to scowl but smiling instead b/c she looked small and cute on the couch. (dammit!)
“babe,” she said. “you talk a lot! and i listen a lot! but sometimes i just want to watch tv! and you’re always interrupting when i’m trying to hear something!”
“IT’S RUDE!” i exclaim. “it’s rude to turn up the tv when someone’s talking to you! it’s not like i couldn’t see!”
then she tells me that it’s rude to interrupt whatever she’s watching, especially b/c i start talking during the most important parts. i decide to stop before we really get into it–and before “harry’s law” comes back on (admittedly, i wanted to see if this one guy killed his wife like his brother-in-law in the mental hospital says he did).
look, i understand that my partner needs to unwind sometimes by watching tv. i get that. but i’m a person. I’M HER WIFE. i wash her clothes that she leaves all over the place. i will not be drowned out by the television. (holly, you’re hiccuping again, aren’t you? good. hiccup. if you don’t like what i’m writing here, leave a comment. that’s what the comment section is for.)
i’d like to hear from women (and perhaps men?) out there whose partners–i’m guessing most of them are actually going to be husbands and boyfriends, you know, male types–turn up the tv when you’re talking.
do they think we don’t notice when the house actually starts shaking from the explosions on the A-team movie?? why do they even want to watch the A-team movie?? everyone knows the best thing about the 80s was “the golden girls”! when does that movie come out?! DISCUSS.
lunch at 11:30 
I would be more upset about the show she is watching….just sayin!
I am going to see if Holly comments. It may be easier to type a response than to say it to your face, but- you could email each other! And- sympathy.
Every post you write about Holly reminds me of my wife, which is why I’m SO GLAD that we don’t have broadcast/cable TV. Which is not to say that my wife isn’t watching TV all of the time, but it’s Netflix and other internet based TV that can be paused and rewound. I start talking, TV get paused. Problem solved.
haha. sometimes holly points the remote at me and hits “mute” but it never works! we need to get a DVR so she can record and pause her damn shows. and vickie: i have to admit, “snapped” is a pretty damn good show. i think i should be more concerned about her “jersey shore” addiction!
Ok, to be quite honest here, men don’t have functioning ears so they don’t ever have to turn up the volume on the TV to tune out their partners. Men zone out and can simply exist in a mute bubble where they can only hear a TV. Women, however, have functioning ears. Very much so. We hear EVERYTHING. So our only recourse is to turn up the TV. It is either that or murdering your partner (which one would learn how to from watching a show called, say, SNAPPED!). So, be glad Holly just turned up the TV. Be grateful that’s the only thing she did. Because next time….she might SNAP! :^)
Maybe when you gals marry a fifth time, you could write a clause into the vows about this?
It’s not my fault that you have this incredible knack for starting a conversation during the most inopportune times of tv (like the news and what’s happening on my favorite bravo shows), and yes, it’s mostly because you talk, talk, talk, talk, and as much as I love you and all of our conversations……sometimes I just want to drown you out with tv. It’s my “quiet time.” Thanks, Mari, for backing me up! The best is when Jess stands right in front of the tv or sits down to watch it on the bed and blocks my view and she isn’t doing it on purpose either. Just doesn’t realize that I’m watching it and that I can’t see thru solid objects.
I love you!
(love you, too. babe.) (p.s. don’t call my hair a solid object.)
Agggh! You two are too cute for words!
I think this is your funniest post yet. Love you!
Shit. SHIT! I really, REALLY want to side with you on this one, except this weekend I was watching some 48 Hours special thingy and I wanted to find out what the gold ring that was found on the kitchen floor of a murder scene was all about – especially since some dude already confessed and it sure as hell wasn’t his ring – and Matt started talking. Again. And, I love him. I do. But sometimes I just want to scream “BULLET POINTS! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST GIVE ME THE BULLET POINTS!!” but I realize I shouldn’t do that because it’s actually really rude (I know this because he told me) and so instead of snapping BULLET POINTS! I just kept turning up the volume until he got the message.
big 🙂
I know I’m late to this comment thread but I just found your blog and it is seriously the best writing–I feel I can relate to everything you said! I cut myself on a knife while do the dishes and I screamed and cursed and my boyfriend did. not .move. from his chair in the living room. Finally I screamed AT him and he said screaming and cursing was nothing new in our house so he figured I was fine so he turned up the tv while I started belting out “All by Myself” Celine Dion style. Asshat.
And don’t get me started on Golden Girls. When I lived alone I watched it every night in bed before falling asleep. NOW?! Lucky if I get to watch half an episode per week. Relationships can be so taxing.
Sometimes watching tiny people in the box wearing pretty clothes and saying funny things is better than talking about dusty baseboards and feelings. TEAM HOLLY!