“did you really just call me a b—jerk?”

where's my chapstick? my lips are totally killing me! gawd!

ladies know: there are fightin’ words and then there are fightin’ words.

if you have a spouse/partner/girlfriend/significant other that is a woman, you know calling her something along the lines of, oh, i don’t know, a bitch is pretty much the wrong thing to do in all cases, no exceptions. even if she trash talks your mom, turns off the tv when you’re watching it, steals the covers or drinks the last of the milk when you’ve been craving a bowl of cereal since you went to bed the night before, or tells you that yes, your butt really does look big in those jeans. (who would do that is beyond me. basically a death wish.)

however, sometimes it’s tempting. that temptation is times two when there are two women in a relationship. (if you’d like to read more woman-woman annoyances i suggest you click here.) because, inevitably, one of you is usually acting like a bitch. or being bitchy. but you never, ever call the other one an actual bitch because you’re likely to get elbowed in the mouth, kicked behind the knee or have something thrown at you, like your car keys, which signals that you’d better get the hell outta this house and drive far, far away, perhaps to your family’s in western pee-ay, before i start throwing dishes like we’re at a big fat greek wedding except for i’ll be throwing them at your head and there will be no dancing.

in the 10+ years we’ve been together, holly and i have pretty much avoided calling each other “the B Word” by generally sidestepping the actual word and instead opting for you’re acting like a bitch.

QUIT ACTING LIKE SUCH A BITCH, BABE! i have yelled, loudly, on more than one occasion.

I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU JUST CALLED ME A BITCH! she usually yells back.

I DIDN’T CALL YOU A BITCH! i yell back. I SAID YOU WERE ACTING LIKE A BITCH. THERE’S A DIFFERENCE. (truly, there is no difference. you and i both know that and so does holly and so does everyone else.)

so yeah, on saturday morning i was kind of acting like a bitch. i’ll admit it. i had worked til like 10pm the night before. and worked, like, 10-hour days at my computer every single day before since sunday. i was tired. and didn’t want to friggin clean the house.

i especially didn’t want to flip the bed or whatever the hell holly wanted me to help her with at 9am in the morning. it irritated me so i acted out and then we got in a fight and didn’t talk to each other for the next three hours. holly stayed upstairs watching, most likely, bad reality tv or whatever was on bravo, and i stayed downstairs doing laundry and watching napoleon dynamite on comedy central trying to forget about how bitchy she was acting as well as raise my serotonin level bc i was starting to feel downright depressed, not to mention hungry.

we eventually started talking to each other again, and i immediately began trying to convince her to take me to chipotle for lunch. she eventually agreed–score!–and we went down to the can company to get some tacos (me) and a burrito bowl (her) and perhaps heal our wounded relationship.

why did you have to act that way? holly asked me, dipping a chip in guacamole. why were you being that way? you ruined the day.

despite my urge to throw black beans at her, i couldn’t help but think she looked cute. dammit. why do you have to be so cute?  i thought, stuffing my face with vegetarian tacos, trying my best to avoid the question and distract her by talking about the weather and pointing at dogs walking by.

babe, stop ignoring me.

i am not ignoring you. i’m talking to you, aren’t i? look at that dog out there! look it’s so cute!

babe. answer the question.

BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO HELP YOU FLIP THE DAMN BED OR SHIFT THE DAMN BOXSPRING OR WHATEVER THE HELL ANNOYING THING YOU WANTED ME TO DO AT 9AM. i whisper-yelled.

well why did you have to be such a b…jerk about it?!

a WHAT?! i stopped dead in my tracks. suddenly i wasn’t the bad one anymore.

did you just call me a b-jerk?!! i whisper-shreaked

what? no! 

she knew her mistake. her mouth had betrayed her brain. the secret was out. she basically called me a bitch.

did you really just call me a “b-jerk”???

no. yes. wait, what? no, i said you were acting like a jerk!

no, you said i was being a B-JERK! you starting calling me a bitch but covered it up!

then she started laughing with her mouth full of burrito bowl and almost choked bc she was laughing so damn hard. then i started laughing, too. then we hugged. psych! we didn’t hug in chipotle! 

then some big scary dude with a long white beard in a red-and-black lumber-jack type shirt at another table saw the steelers emblem on my t-shirt peeking out of my jean jacket and yelled YOU’RE IN RAVENS COUNTRY!

instead of shouting something really memorable back i just stared at him, slack-jawed, and shouted “NO!” nice.

just four more days to vote for lunch at 11:30 as baltimore’s best lifestyle blog, personal blog AND best overall blog! hurry up and click below! you can vote every day, once a day! xxo!

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11 responses to ““did you really just call me a b—jerk?”

  1. I’m actually adding “b-jerk” to my name calling repertoire. I feel it’s important to keep others on their toes during my moments of hormonal and/or sleep deprived insanity. Also, now I’m craving tacos. Damn you, and your persuasive writing style.

  2. Me to Son #1: Stop acting like a baby.
    Son #1: I’m not a baby!
    Me: I didn’t say you *were* a baby, I said you were *acting* like a baby.

    Fast forward to another day….
    Son #1 to Son #2: Stop acting like a baby.
    Son #2: I’m not a baby!
    Son #1: I didn’t say you *were* a baby, I said you were *acting* like a baby.

  3. The fact that this was posted in “freaking out about virtually nothing” and that that is an actual post label… means I love you. Seriously.

  4. if i didn’t consistently (i.e. constantly) freak out about virtually nothing i don’t think this blog would even exist. you all crack me up so badly. *smooches*

  5. 1. There is no such thing as “bad reality TV” on Bravo. It is all “awesome reality TV” on Bravo, you hater!
    2. I can not even imagine you and Holly getting into an argument. I envision your relationship akin to a Lifetime Movie (minus the Meredith Baxter-Birney)
    3. You can not hold something someone didn’t actually say against them. She corrected herself so you argument is invalid (tho I can totally hear your arguement playing out in my head, lol)
    4. You ARE IN RAVENS COUNTRY! We don’t like your kind around here! So conform accordingly!

  6. 1. some of it’s bad. but i mostly love it all so i’ll shuddup.
    2. HAH. you’re obviously smoking CRACK.
    3. what are you, a lawyer??
    4. duck! i’m about to throw a rat at your house!

    (note to readers: mari’s my crazyass neighbor. she’s also in my book club. she’s trouble.)

  7. At least she didn’t call you a “c … jerk.” That’s grounds for divorce.

  8. I just voted for your blog in the Mobbies, best Lifestyle blog category…twice!! I referred to your blog as “SASSY”

  9. YES YES YES YES YES YES YES

  10. YES! SASSY! YES YES YES TO YOUR YES

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