my chiropractor thinks i’m goth

me, according to my chiropractor. i have gorgeous baby blues, don't i? ok, stop staring at me or i'll put a hex on you.

i want to start things off here by saying that i have nothing against anyone goth. some of my best friends are goth. (actually they’re not. i totally made that up to make myself sound credible.) no but seriously. i like the cure as much as anyone (ok mostly their greatest hits but still). and i’ll admit to spending a considerable amount of time at hot topic in my youth (and by youth i actually mean last year). but dammit, people. i’m not goth. can someone please convince my chiropractor of this?

our chiropractor is kevin. we’ve been going to him, like, forever. (ok, maybe four or five years, but two of those years i was working at a boring/evil office where every year was actually 10,000 years, so i suppose he’s actually been our chiropractor for just over 20,000 years.)

if i go in for an appointment and i’m wearing a white shirt or (gasp!) something even mildly colorful (this is rare, but still) he totally freaks out and says something along the lines of woah, jessica! i see you’re breaking out of the whole goth thing today! what’s up with the bright shirt!? you’re not goth anymore? the worst part is he’s not even kidding.

my first instinct is, of course, to say something kind of obnoxious but i think we all agree it’s best not to piss off people that are about to adjust your spine.

i don’t know how many times i have to explain to him that i’m not goth. i just have extremely dark hair and wear mostly black. it’s called northern new jersey, folks. it’s my heritage. it’s programmed into my DNA. and anyway, usually i’m not wearing black pants and a black shirt (tho i do from time to time–it’s called dressing up). i’m typically wearing jeans and a black shirt of some sort. so i’m more like a walking bruise than goth. no white makeup. no dog collars. no chains from ear to nose.

(if you’re goth and offended by my stereotypical portrait of goth ppl, i invite you to chime in re: diversity in the goth community, i.e. please don’t hunt me down and kill me. or put a hex on me. unless you want to hex the curl out of my hair so i don’t have to break down and get a keratin treatment. which would save me both time and money, but really it’s up to you. more on that in a sec.)

anyway, the last time i went in for an appointment i was wearing a white shirt and white capris (hello, do you think anyone goth would wear capris?) and he nearly blew a gasket. i’m telling you his world was flipped completely upside down. i wanted to say, kevin, it’s 200 degrees outside and 1,000 percent humidity. even lady gaga’d be breakin out the pastels today. but my resistance was futile. to kevin i am always and will forever be goth. so i’m just going to have to accept it and move on or else risk losing feeling in my toes and/or find a new chiropractor.

now that that’s out in the open, some other notables:

1) many thanks for making my surgery post pretty much the most popular lunch at 11:30 post ever. (if you didn’t read about my surgery, you really need to b/c it’s mostly about me high on drugs at the hospital and you’ll pee in your pants or at least laugh really loud at work and disrupt your coworkers. the best part is that the anesthesiologist that drugged me actually read the post and commented. i died a little inside. it was that funny.)

1.5) if you read that post, you know about my surgery mix (i.e. the vaguely titled “new mix”). well it turns out “new mix” is great not only for IV insertion (*thump* sorry i fainted again as i wrote that) but also doubles as a fabulous daytime work mix. email me if you want the track list. just call me dj jazzy jess. (wait no. don’t.)

2) last week i made fun of holly on facebook  for sneezing (while driving) and simultaneously honking the car horn saying it was–and i quote–quite possibly the dorkiest thing i’ve ever witnessed.  well over the weekend i sneezed so hard in home depot that my sunglasses slipped off the top of my head and landed lopsided on my nose. my arms were too full of boring home depot sh*t to put them back on my head and some lady yelled BLESS YOU! across the entire garden section and then shouted something about allergies. karma.

3) i’m lucky that holly loves me so much b/c my hair has reached new levels of hugeness lately, due not only to the merciless baltimore heat/humidity but the fact that i think i have  blackberry thumb from data phone addiction and therefore can’t properly straighten my hair. if it gets any larger we may just split up and not b/c she’s going to leave me. because she’ll get pushed out of the house by my hair. there simply won’t be enough room for the both of us. i wish i was kidding but i’m not. yours truly, jessica the non-goth


19 responses to “my chiropractor thinks i’m goth

  1. gothbutnotthestereotype

    yeah – I consider my goth and I have blonde hair and dress conservative for work. I do not have chains or piercings in my face. I have tats, but they are well hidden.

    It is based on a attitude and the type of music I listen to. Pretty bad stereotype.

  2. Maybe the chiropractor needs to hear the surgery mix and then he’d be straightened out?

    It’s true about black clothes just being part of the cultural uniform of the metropolitan northeast. Where is the chiropractor from originally? I don’t live in NYC anymore, but when I’m there, I make sure to leave the brights and pastels at home to blend in.

    Hysterical karma on the sneeze!

  3. @gothbutnotthestereotype: unfortunately, stereotypes exist for a reason. we must laugh and take it all in stride. b/c i am “a gay,” stereotypers would probably predict i’d be a crew-cut-sportin-loafer-and-pleated-chino-wearin lezzie. lo and behold, my hair is long, i don’t own chinos and the last time i wore loafers was first grade. (sue me, it was the 80s.) i enjoy defying stereotypes. you should, too. (now, as far as that hex is concerned…could you straighten my hair or what?? i kid, i kid 😉 )

    @lynn: he’s from western PA! same area as holly. he sooo doesn’t get it. yeah sneezing in home depot was classic. majorly dorky.

  4. OMG THIS IS SO FUNNY! Jess, you are too MUCH!

    Ok, black pants AND a black shirt – that IS dressing up. I am WITH YOU. Someone called me EMO once because I have dark hair and it probably fell into my face at an inopportune time.

    I really hate when people pigeonhole you into being something in order for their life to be easier. It’s like, instead of listening to you, I’m just going to decide what you are so I can put you in a little goth drawer, close it, and not have to worry that you might be anything I can’t control.

    That’s it!


  5. PS I am also with you re: defying lesbian stereotypes. I often feel like my “passing” gives me mad privilege at work to hear what my kids REALLY think about gays – they have no idea who they’re talking to. BTW it’s almost consensus that gay men are the problem, gay women are lesbians, Meredith, and that’s not included when they say that they “hate gay people.” Oh, the intellect.

  6. I just want you to know that I haven’t even read this post yet. I’m just so freaking excited that you posted I can’t contain myself. I want to read it, but I *know* what your posts are like…. so first I have to go to the bathroom and empty my bladder. I’ll be right back….promise.

  7. I have long, flowy, curly, red locks, wear pencil skirts, fishnets and heels…. it’s all I can do to convince people that no… really. I am gay. *Promise*
    Stereotypes blow.

    I love that black pants *and* a black shirt is dressing up! Too cute.


  8. BAHHHHAAAAHHHAAAA!!!! “it’s best not to piss off people that are about to adjust your spine…” SEE! This is exactly why I have to empty my bladder before I read your posts. Also, my long hair is frizzed beyond belief (because it’s 1,000% humidity in southeastern Wisconsin) and yesterday I just about talked myself into starting dreadlocks thinking I could totally pass off the whole granola-y, earthy, almost homeless pot-smoker with three kids look. Because at least then my hair would MAKE SENSE. (Also, I don’t mean to offend any of your granola-y, earthy, almost homeless pot-smoker readers because my best friend happens to be one. Not really, but, well, you understand why I said that: cred.)

  9. you all crack me up so hardcore. i can’t even deal.

  10. FabulousMari

    Jessica, Kevin the Chiropractor is just jealous that he’s not a real doctor. Tell him next time that you are no more “a goth” than he is a doctor. See if he has anything to say then! Ha!
    Also, black is slimming, eat that Kevin! I wear black quite frequently probably because I am a Nor’Easter and am also eye-talian so I must be prepared for a funeral at a moments notice. 😉
    And as for your hair, try the InStyler! I got one for Mother’s Day and it is all sorts of awesome. If it can tame my wavy/curly/wirey/hay bale hair, surely it can do something with your hair. Feel free to borrow it and take it for a (literal) spin! I also literally LOL’d at you sneezing in Home Depot! Ha! Nerd! 🙂

  11. Hahaha, totally LOLing of the idea of you in chinos and loafers!
    For the record, despite the fact that I drive a mini-van and have a mom haircut I refuse to buy chinos or chino shorts. My mom likes to make fun of me for wearing black pants all the time, but isn’t that what the “cool girls” wore in college??

  12. 20,000 years is a really long time to put up with a chiropractor who thinks you’re goth.

  13. Most of Melbourne is “goth” then. . especially at night. . . you’d fit in really well. Oh except when wearing your white capris.

  14. Conversely, when I was younger, I had very short spikey hair that was dyed black and people just thought I was sick. Never goth. Never punk. Kinda disappointing.

  15. Considering your recent karma returns, maybe you should watch out. You could be getting a lip piercing/chain bustier/hello kitty purse* any day now.

    *That’s what the goths are into these days, right?

  16. shosh, black pants are totally the shiznit and *hello* we *were* the cool girls. josie, melbourne, here i come, baby! (i’ll leave the white capris at home. both of them. oh crap i totally shouldn’t have said that.) pithypants,it sounds like you need more sun. sunless tanner maybe? megan, i think hello kitty was 90s goth. it’s probably more anime now. (*thump* sorry, i just collapsed from a hex.)

  17. I’d appreciate it if you could please post each paragraph in it’s own Facebook stati so I can “like” & comment on each one.
    A) I laughed so had I think I scared my customers.

    B) Capris are the perfect pant because they don’t have 4 inches of fabric dragging on the ground like my regular pants do.

    C) The black thing IS an urban Northeast thing. When I moved back here, I amassed, & got comments on, a large numbers of black shirt-and-jean outfits.

    D) OMG I get to see you in 5 days. *&#%#*#(#( !!!!!!

  18. green, you need to hem those pants, girl! and uh yeah. approx. 20,002 (or 20,003) years is a damn long time to go to a chiropractor that thinks you’re goth.

  19. Even if you’re not goth you ought to drop by “Wasteland” at Jimmy Valentine’s sometime. It’s once a month and it’s coming up.

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