do me a favor and don’t drop your cellphone in the toilet anymore, ok?

the other day i told you all to stop acting like you don’t leave cereal bowls with milk still in them around the house once in a while. and that you leave them out so long (usually just a day or two or, uh, three) that the milk solidifies into “a crude cheese-like substance.”

[i said that in reference to holly’s tendency to slip into a bachelor(ette)-like state when i leave her in the house alone for eight to 24 or more hours, which, apparently, morphs her keen culinary skills into a cavelady-like state of opening beer bottles and eating crunchy flakes from boxes covered in 1% milk. honey i’m sorry for advertising this online but you know it’s true, however, for some strange reason i love you for it.]

[i should also note that, apparently, when holly leaves me alone for eight to 24 or more hours, i am reduced to whimpering at the whole foods salad bar and/or making cheese quesadillas for every meal except breakfast and/or eating high-sodium frozen-but-organic meals that leave me a) bloated b) still hungry and c) irritated, probably from all the sodium. like most jews, i have a knee-jerk bad reaction to sodium, due, most likely, to generations of overeating pickled and/or smoked fish, mostly lox.]

so when i say holly took her cellphone into the bathroom the other day and promptly dropped it in the toilet don’t act like you don’t do it, too, b/c you and i both know you’d be lying.

this happened in the beginning of the week.  i don’t even remember what day, the details are fuzzy. but what i do remember is holly stepping into the first-floor half-bath and about one half-second later hearing a HOLY SH*T.

i didn’t even have a chance to say anything. i just stepped towards the door and saw her looking, helpless, into the toilet. staring at…her cellphone. her $300 cellphone. you know, the one w/out the insurance? in. the toilet. like, underwater. at the bottom of the damn bowl.

“holy crap,” she kept saying. “get me a…a…”

i knew what she was trying to say:

get me something to fish this thing out of the toilet b/c while i’ve resigned myself to the fact that i’ve accidentally rendered my phone useless, i need to hurry to get it out but i’m too much of a sissy to actually put my hand in the toilet to get it.

at which point i said LOOKOUT BABE and put my hand in the toilet and got the damn phone. i know my regular blog readers (and those of you that know me) think holly would be the one brave enough to put her hand in a toilet bowl to rescue a cellphone, but no. it was actually me. granted, it was clean water and we keep our toilets really clean. but c’mon, it’s still a friggin toilet. i also kill bugs and take out the trash. but those are other stories for another day.

i put the phone in the sink and we both sighed.

well, folks, miracles never cease b/c holly’s twin sister heidi (yes, holly and heidi. their younger sister is heather) told holly to put the phone and battery in rice, which we promptly did. for, like, a couple days. and lo and behold, when we took it out of the rice, the phone was working again. and you thought rice was just for chinese food.

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13 responses to “do me a favor and don’t drop your cellphone in the toilet anymore, ok?

  1. Dude, I would also be totally willing to reach into the toilet to grab the phone.
    I think it has something to do with all those summers at Jewish summer camp….

  2. i hear ya. cleaning those bunks every morning could prepare you for pretty much anything. nothing like the mess of a bunch of 14-year-old girls from the burbs.

  3. So, does the rice take away all the toilet germ cooties? Because, clean water or not, that’s totally what I’d be thinking. And every time from here on out, I’d wait until she was done talking on the phone, then go up and act like I’m going to give her a kiss, but then say something like, “ew… you reek like toilet water” and no matter how many [annoying] times I did it I’d still laugh hysterically and howl, “remember when you wouldn’t even reach your hand in the bowl?!” because that’s how [im]mature I am!

  4. ha. i’m about to go upstairs and do my first you-reek-like-toilet-water. i’ll let you know how it goes.

  5. In response to the summer camp memories. I am with you! Did you ever make M&M bars where you crushed the package of M&M’s and put it in something waterproof and left it in the top of the toilet overnight (where the clean water is) and in the morning it would miraculously turn into a candy bar? So, yeah I guess I would stick my hand in a toilet too if I would eat a candy bar made by a toilet. 🙂

  6. ha! i bet you would! also: woah. no. never made those, never heard of em. i’m intrigued but also concerned. i would also very much like to see a photo of said “candy bar.”

  7. Ok. I was gonna comment about the toilet/phone crab until I got to the WTF inducing comment of the “candy bar”! Again. I reiterate… WTF?!

  8. i know. i think it’s time for a google image search: “toilet tank candy bar.”

  9. Haha… Rice that is a good one. My mum has dropped hers down there a few times and I’m always like, how does this actually happen. Supposedly it is in her pocket and when she moves her pants it falls out of the pocket. I think it’s because my mum isn’t really into technology but the younger generation are, so we text and go on facebook when we are on the toilet, therefore the phone is always in safe hands and we are always looking at it!

    My mum puts it in the airing cupboard.

    Fun post makes me laugh.

    Oh and do not pretend no one else texts on the toilet too.
    Jessie.

  10. yeah, i know. it’s like: stop pretending, we know you do it. also: what’s an airing cupboard??

  11. Its a cupboard(Closet) that I thought was in all houses? Where it has the boiler in where all the warm water and stuff comes from for your house, but it also has shelves in there for all you towels and stuff (well that is what my mum uses it for). So if anything gets wet, thats where you put it to get dry quicker!

    Ha! 🙂

  12. ah, i know! you’re *english*! that explains it. in the u.s. we have our boilers in the basement. also: if a republican gets elected as president in 2012, we might be moving to your country. so lookout. 😉

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