the other day i told you all to stop acting like you don’t leave cereal bowls with milk still in them around the house once in a while. and that you leave them out so long (usually just a day or two or, uh, three) that the milk solidifies into “a crude cheese-like substance.”
[i said that in reference to holly’s tendency to slip into a bachelor(ette)-like state when i leave her in the house alone for eight to 24 or more hours, which, apparently, morphs her keen culinary skills into a cavelady-like state of opening beer bottles and eating crunchy flakes from boxes covered in 1% milk. honey i’m sorry for advertising this online but you know it’s true, however, for some strange reason i love you for it.]
[i should also note that, apparently, when holly leaves me alone for eight to 24 or more hours, i am reduced to whimpering at the whole foods salad bar and/or making cheese quesadillas for every meal except breakfast and/or eating high-sodium frozen-but-organic meals that leave me a) bloated b) still hungry and c) irritated, probably from all the sodium. like most jews, i have a knee-jerk bad reaction to sodium, due, most likely, to generations of overeating pickled and/or smoked fish, mostly lox.]
so when i say holly took her cellphone into the bathroom the other day and promptly dropped it in the toilet don’t act like you don’t do it, too, b/c you and i both know you’d be lying.
this happened in the beginning of the week. i don’t even remember what day, the details are fuzzy. but what i do remember is holly stepping into the first-floor half-bath and about one half-second later hearing a HOLY SH*T.
i didn’t even have a chance to say anything. i just stepped towards the door and saw her looking, helpless, into the toilet. staring at…her cellphone. her $300 cellphone. you know, the one w/out the insurance? in. the toilet. like, underwater. at the bottom of the damn bowl.
“holy crap,” she kept saying. “get me a…a…”
i knew what she was trying to say:
get me something to fish this thing out of the toilet b/c while i’ve resigned myself to the fact that i’ve accidentally rendered my phone useless, i need to hurry to get it out but i’m too much of a sissy to actually put my hand in the toilet to get it.
at which point i said LOOKOUT BABE and put my hand in the toilet and got the damn phone. i know my regular blog readers (and those of you that know me) think holly would be the one brave enough to put her hand in a toilet bowl to rescue a cellphone, but no. it was actually me. granted, it was clean water and we keep our toilets really clean. but c’mon, it’s still a friggin toilet. i also kill bugs and take out the trash. but those are other stories for another day.
i put the phone in the sink and we both sighed.
well, folks, miracles never cease b/c holly’s twin sister heidi (yes, holly and heidi. their younger sister is heather) told holly to put the phone and battery in rice, which we promptly did. for, like, a couple days. and lo and behold, when we took it out of the rice, the phone was working again. and you thought rice was just for chinese food.