perfect ten

i may be “a gay,” but i’m still a girl. and us girls play games. whether we want to admit it or not, we all play games, esp. when it comes to our mates/spouses/partners/signficant others. 

and we all get burned once in a while with these games. and i suppose that, yes, i was playing a game with holly the other day and i got majorly burned. 

here’s the story: 

we’re driving in the car on the way back from breakfast at our favorite diner–or maybe we were coming home from home depot, oh who the hell knows, we’re at that goshforsakin place so much (i swear i get hit with a wave of exhaustion every time we walk thru those damn double doors that’s so severe i could fall asleep standing up, no lie) and it’s right across the street from the diner so it’s all become a big blur to me–and we had the radio on. it was one of those morning drive-time radio shows headed by a big-mouthed, obnoxious, mildly loveable dj whose job it is to stir the pot and egg ppl on. 

so the topic at the moment was…let’s see, how can i phrase this without it sounding as trashy a topic as it was/is. the topic was the “theory” of how women that are “less attractive” are often “better in the sack.” the dj apparently backed this theory 100%.  both women and men were calling in to share their thoughts, including women that rated themselves lower on 1-10 “scale,” announcing to the dc/baltimore metro areas that while perhaps they weren’t raving beauties that could stop traffic, they know how to have a good roll in the hay. 

i decided to rate myself. 

“i’d say i’m about…a six,” i said to holly as she drove. i could already hear her response. 

“no way, babe! you’re a total 10. an 11. off the charts.” and she would seal her declaration with a kiss. 

instead she paused and said, “you are not a six, babe! you are totally an eight.” 

silence. 

(you just stopped breathing for a second, didn’t you?) 

shock. 

anger. 

and then the sadness only women and very vain gay men are able to feel. 

and then RAGE. 

“WHAT?!” i shrieked. “I’M AN EIGHT?!! YOU THINK I’M AN EIGHT??! I…I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU JUST TOLD YOUR WIFE SHE’S AN EIGHT! DON’T YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT WOMEN! GEEZUS I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO SAY I’M A TEN! A PERFECT TEN!” 

first she was stunned into silence. and then she went into all-out protection mode. 

almost no one’s a perfect ten she said. practically no one. not even celebrities. 

i had goosebumps. i was that upset. i told her this. and yet–she didn’t budge. 

on looks alone, she surmised, she could only think of two women that she’d rate as tens. the girl (latika) from “slumdog millionaire.” and drew barrymore. (even in my rage, i had to admit to myself that my partner really does have impeccable taste.) 

then she proceeded to say that her personal “rating” system takes into account not only looks but personality. oh and this was supposed to make me feel better? if you add in my sparkling personality, that alone should make up the two points and give me a ten! 

oh we had a jolly old fight about the whole thing. it was really classic. really, you should have been there. (really, you shouldn’t have. i just said that to say it.) 

in conclusion, ladies, watch the game playing. i know you’re all sitting there shaking your heads like perfect angels, oh no, i don’t blame games! i would never!

oh but you do. you do and you don’t realize it. or maybe you do and you’re just scared to admit it. regardless, do yourself a favor. don’t put a “score” over your head and expect love of your life to do what s/he is supposed to do and rate you as a ten or, you know, an 11+. while we’re at it, don’t ask if your butt looks big either. b/c if you’re asking, it just might look big and you know you don’t want to hear it.

frieda pinto (latika from "slumdog millionaire"). one of holly's two "perfect tens." yeah yeah yeah. fine. she's ok. all right she's *gorgeous*. let's change the subject.

drew barrymore: even children and small animals love her. plus she can rollerskate.

 

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12 responses to “perfect ten

  1. this is so true. girls do play games. me and a few of my friends (some gay some that are not) have had this discussion. that yes, we play games. However I often wonder is it possible to last for a lifetime without playing games?

  2. lunch at 11:30

    finally! a girl that owns up. THANK YOU. and i don’t know. i don’t think it is!

  3. o yea i’ll own up. i don’t have a problem with it. they can be fun.. but played to much leaves you in tears.
    i just came upon your blog today and might I say that it is amazing!! I’m so glad that I came across this!

  4. lunch at 11:30

    i agree–and WELCOME! (and thanks!) glad to have you here! stop by often. i hear this blog is a great “procrastination station.” 😉

  5. i stopped breathing for a second!! i totally expected holly to give you “the right answer” (i.e., “the answer you wanted to hear”) because she’s smart like that.

    i sometimes play games with my mom, because she’s always been most critical of my appearance. sometimes when i ask such questions she starts her answer with: “the truth?”

  6. lunch at 11:30

    omG i totally expected it, too. she is still standing by her statement, too. we choose not to talk about this anymore.

    also? your mom! i love her. so funny.

  7. I am in total agreement with Holly’s 10s. I especially love Drew!

  8. lunch at 11:30

    haha. yes, i must admit i wholeheartedly (tho begrudgingly) agree w/holly’s “10” picks, too. drew’s the best. anyone that says they don’t love her is lying.

  9. Then there’s a great This American Life story in which a bunch of economists figured-out their statistical likelihood of finding an ideal mate. One of them eventually fell in love, and one day, whilst talking about how lucky and blessed they were to find each other, the economist (a guy) was asked by his girlfriend if she was “the one,” he replied (based on his research), “well, at least one in 100,000.” Needless to say, he thought that was awesome, and she did not.

  10. lunch at 11:30

    ha! man that’s funny.

  11. Why oh why oh why do we do this to ourselves? Seriously. You think we’d learn (especially by junior high) that you should never engage in games with girls! Yet we do. *sigh*

  12. lunch at 11:30

    tell me about it! it is our nature. there’s simply no other explanation 😉

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