and here’s why people move to the suburbs

b/c when you’re trying to have a nice dinner outside–on your deck, say–some dude goes in the alleyway directly across the street–you know, the one you have an absolutely perfect view of–and just when you think he’s going to do something completely disgusting like pee he actually proceeds to do the ultimate in disgusting: barfs his guts up. repeatedly. and then you lose your friggin appetite, pack up the dishes and the half-eaten plates of food and haul everything inside with a big sigh.

then you say to your partner when you get downstairs–holding your breath so you won’t barf yourself–that you know why ppl move to the suburbs. that this is why ppl move to the suburbs. and maybe we should move to the suburbs?

ok, so obviously you know that this story wasn’t about someone else or hypothetical. it’s about us and it’s about last night and i’m having a hard time not getting sick just thinking about it. i’ve never wished for someone to pee in an alleyway before. and i’ve never wished for a hard rain like this either. (luckily, we think Jerry the Drunk ,who lives in the house directly next to the alley, cleaned it up since he has a hose he uses to water the plants–he has an incredibly green thumb, you’d swear he wasn’t drunk the way his plants and flowers grow–out front.)

look, it’s not baltimore per se. this kind of crap happens in every city. anytime you have a mass of humanity living close together, disgusting things inevitably happen. but for crying out loud. the dude was probably drunk and it wasn’t even 7pm. 

each day that passes here makes me more and more appreciative of the picturesque little new jersey town i grew up in. you’d be hard pressed to find me making cracks about living in the suburbs anymore. not after living here. wooh boy. no way.


4 responses to “and here’s why people move to the suburbs

  1. Mari the neighbor

    Maybe he just ate some bad seafood. Don’t be so quick to judge 🙂 But stay in the city, the burb’s are scary (there are deer and rabid racoons- would you rather have a rabid racoon interrupting your evening meal or your fellow man down on his luck after eating some bad clams? think about it….)

  2. I am so sorry you had to witness that, especially when you were eating. Does the man not have a toliet of his own to yak into? I have lived in rural Baltimore county most of my life but spent a lot of my childhood visiting my relatives in NYC and between the pee in the subways and the used pads in the dressing rooms, I can kind of relate to what your saying about cities. Blessings…

  3. Yeah Mari,

    That’s what the gallon of pure liquid was….it was bad seafood. I was going with “he drank to much koolaide.”

  4. you all are funny. (@lori re: dressing rooms. woah.)

    yeah, i’m going to have to go w/holly’s thinking on that one. too many ppl have…let it all out, let’s just say, directly in front of our stoop to pass it off as bad seafood.

    we already have rabid feral cats out back so i think we’re ready for whatever horrors a quieter place has in store for us… 😉

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