why do so many straight women sigh and say they wish they were ‘a lesbian’ when they’re having problems with men b/c ‘goshdarnit, it’s got to be so much easier’?

tell me. b/c i really want to know. give me one doggone reason you think it’s easier?? b/c you…both have boobs? yeah, not so much!

news flash for ya, ladies. it’s not easier. it could quite possibly be harder. in fact, all the civil rights/legal stuff aside (like how we’re paying $200+/month more than “individual plus [opposite sex] spouse” for my cobra benefits; and, now that i’m laid off i can finally tell all of you that i was being taxed over $350 more each month for holly’s benefits than my heterosexual colleagues, who were not being taxed *at all* on their spouse’s benefits. yup, holly’s benefits were viewed as “taxable income” by the govt. since we’re not “married” under state law. you know, after the $25k wedding w/the rabbi and all. and 150 guests. but i digress)…anyway, as i was saying, all that stuff aside, i will highlight only a couple reasons being with a woman isn’t the fantasy you imagine:

1. pms

oh. you think it’s bad in a household with just *one* of you going thru pms? HA! that’s not bad!!! TRY TWO! TRY TWO WOMEN AT HOME WITH PMS. try that on for size and get back to me when you’ve changed your mind. (hm? what’s that? you already changed it? what, so soon??)

for a long time, holly was like, when it came to “that time of the month,” oh, i’m totally the “alpha female.”

what’s the alpha female, you ask? i’ll explain:

whether us ladies are aware of it or not, there’s always that girl in a group house, family, etc. whose doggone pheromones or whatever they are screw up everyone else’s cycle. that’s what holly and i call the alpha female. usually what happens is that the women, whether’s there’s two or 20, sort of…fall in line. oh but not in our household. nooo,  that would be far too easy.

so holly’s been thinking she’s the alpha female. and i’m like, whatever, babe, kind of secretly believing she is simply b/c she’s stronger than me on some levels (ok many levels), as in: she can lift heavier things than i can and is a better driver and whatnot [no she’s not “butch” but those of you that know the two of us know exactly what i mean. i should mention that a certain relative of holly’s that shall remain nameless (coughcoughsharon–hm? what?) recently called me “a skirty girly girl”  and even tho i kind of am i’m not that bad). but then it seemed like i was dragging her ass into my cycle. and then sometimes it seemed like i was being dragged into hers. so we basically have this constant hormonal tug’o’war going on where we’re essentially at each others’ throats two weeks each month. we sometimes get this weird phantom pms from each other, too. so basically that’s pms four times a month.

nice, right?

also (#2) we have so many shoes in our house. omG the shoes!!!! you would simply not believe all the doggone shoes. or the clothes in general (#3). or the sheer girth of bras we have accumulated thru our 8+ yrs together (#4). also jeans (#5). also everything (#6).

oh and i just thought of another: IT TAKES FOREVER TO CHOOSE A BEDSPREAD (#7). or towels (#8)! or furniture (#9)! most men don’t care about that stuff. if they do, they’re lying just to make you shuddup.

so basically, if you’re thinking of “switching teams,” how about you picture pms times two (four, even) and no closet space. and you don’t really want to come out to your parents, do you (#10)? i mean, talk about awkward! exactly.

if you’ve read this carefully and you’re still thinking about gettin jiggy w/the womenfolk, you’re probably kind of gay already in which case you have larger issues and if you want to talk i’m totally here for you.

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12 responses to “why do so many straight women sigh and say they wish they were ‘a lesbian’ when they’re having problems with men b/c ‘goshdarnit, it’s got to be so much easier’?

  1. adorable!

  2. OMG, I’m in such a bad mood right now and you totally made me laugh out loud (as usual).

  3. oh *shosh*. now i am smiling like the big time 😉 glad i helped boost your mood…

  4. I think women think its easier because yeah you are getting four pms and more arguments over the spreadsheet you are giving up -hopefully- fighting over cheating for no reason, or being nonchalant over everything, or constantly having to hang out with the boys and doing all the macho stupid stuff just to show his boys that he isn’t soft. Missing the toilet and acting like he didn’t know. Females tend to be more romantic and passionate and loving and more quick to love and receive love. Neither side of the fence is all green but it all depends on which fight you are willing to fight. Just a theory.

  5. hmm. april. interesting theory! the grass is certainly always greener. my theory is that ppl are pretty much a pain in the ass in general. but yeah, the whole missing-the-toilet thing. i can say for certain that’s an advantage. score one for the chicks.

  6. Life just is never the chair of bowlies you think it might be (and perhaps were promised by well-meaning parents) but you sure made me laugh and that is really swell today.

  7. oh totally agree. glad i made you laugh! gosh i think that’s a theme today. of course it’s monday. very laughless day. i think when i get a new full-time job i should get mondays off just so i can stay home and blog and make ppl laugh…

  8. Oh, I’m so sharing this. Best. Blog. Ever. BTW, I always just wanted to be a gay man, which eliminates the PMS but the bedspread bickering is probably much, MUCH worse.

  9. OMG YES. it’s got to be so much worse. haha. and yes, pls do pass the post along and glad you liked it!

  10. Between the two of us…… there are 2 FULL closets of shoes, 2 shoe racks, 2 big ass tupperware thingies full of shoes under the bed ans stacks of shoeboxes… and never tampons when you need them….

  11. isn’t that always the way??! ha!

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