usually i’m kind of reluctant to read community crime reports b/c, well, i may not leave the house ever again. so how surprised was i when i read a local crime blotter [in a paper i usually toss out in the trash (i cringe saying this as i used to be a community reporter! but oh well)] and wound up laughing my ass off??
in the spirit of tuesday, which can sometimes suck as it directly follows The Very Suckiest Day (monday), i offer you the best of charm city’s aggravated assault: (i’ve taken the liberty of adding headlines)
‘Give me the airbed, or I will kill you.’
A woman told police that her husband, who was intoxicated, had threatened her with a knife, saying, “If you don’t give me the air bed, I will kill you.” He was arrested, during which time he spat on the police officer and verbally threatened the officer’s life while using racial slurs.
classic baltimore. guess that air mattress is pretty important. also probably not the best idea to shout racial slurs at cops. and threaten their lives. but hell, what do i know.
And you think you get jealous?
A man told police that he had received a call from his girlfriend, who told him to come outside. He did, and she threatened to kill him, then threw a steak knife at him but missed. She then threw a hammer, which hit him. She was arrested a short time later. The man told police that the woman was jealous, and that if he did not call her regularly, she became angry.
‘Take that, b*tch!’
A woman told police that she and her boyfriend were driving in her car when he attempted to drink some vodka. She pulled the bottle away, and in retaliation, the man poured a half-gallon bottle of iced tea onto her head and body. She asked him to stop the car and he refused, and then, when the car slowed, she jumped out. A warrant was issued for his arrest.
he poured a half-gallon bottle of iced tea on her head? probably the really really sweet kind, too. from, like, royal farms or something. probably pretty sticky. glad that wasn’t me. did anyone else notice two of the three items involve alcohol? more reasons not to drink.
there’s also another one about a man sitting on a bench, and a group of “juvenille suspects” throwing a raw potato at him and then pulling a knife.
and these, as mr. rogers said, are the people in my neighborhood.