does your life ever suspiciously resemble a movie? like, in its ridiculousness?
a lot of things–ok, a whole helluva lotta things–have been happening to me lately where i just have to shake my head b/c i honestly feel like i’m in a movie. [or a bad (gay) reality show.] until now, much of it has revolved around our wedding. now that that’s had time to settle down (i.e. it’s over but family fallout drama continues), other crap is seeping in. like this:
recently–what was it, saturday, early evening?–holly & i went to our local safeway supermarket. we finally make our way to the cashier. he’s this kid, i mean, maybe early 20s i figure? kind of trying to rock the half-mutasche/goatee (half b/c i guess he’s still going thru a delayed puberty or something; whatever, i’m not making fun, i’m just saying) thing. anyway, as he’s waiting for us to swipe our card and go thru the million tap-on-screen friggin safeway buttons to pay for the darn stuff, he simultaneously takes a firm hold of the top of his head in one hand and his chin in the other. oh, i know that grip, i think. the neck crack. have you done or seen that before? you pull your head one direction and your chin in the other. and if you’re “lucky,” your neck will let out a crack loud enough to wake the dead. yeah, totally used to do it all the time. my back also (which you accomplish thru this weird twist. i won’t go into it b/c i’m sure it’s bad for you). not hatin’ on it b/c i’ll be the first to admit that all that feels goooood.
holly said something first. something along the lines of “woah.” and then of course i have to chime in, seeing how i was suffering from a migraine–or just got thru one, i forget–and, thru many doctors and many tests, i’ve discovered that a lot of them begin in my neck. now i don’t know if there’s an absolute connection between all my middle school/high school/college/post-college neck-cracking and these terrible migraines i get, but if i could go back in time and erase all those hundreds (probably, yuck, thousands) of neck cracks even if it gave me the slightest chance of fewer headaches, i would.
anyway, i’m like, in all my 30 years of wisdom, “you know, i used to crack my neck like that all the time. now i go to the chiropractor sometimes two times a week b/c my neck’s screwed up so badly.”
and the little punk looks at me like i have two heads and is like, “yeah, but i’m still young.”
and i’m like: ohnoyoujustdidn’t. so i’m like, “how old are you anyway?”
i think at this point he’s scared. i was shooting fire out of my eyeballs at him, i’m sure. so i sure as hell would be, too.
he’s like, “i’m almost 21.”
and then i’m like, “so how old do you think i am anyway???”
he shrugs and he’s like, “26, 27 tops.”
and i’m like, “well, i’m 30 and i’m not that old.”
the whole thing reeked of bridget jones. (love both those movies but don’t wanna live ’em if you know what i mean)
what i really wanted to do was go on a rant about, “don’t you know ANYTHINGabout women?? and what am i, 95 or something??” but instead i shut up (something i’ve only very recently learned how to do) and just fumed and of course when we got outside i let loose w/my usual jersey “effin'” this and “effin'” that. holly knowingly chuckled (she’s a tad older than me).
i guess when we all get to a “certain age” we all rack up these kinda stories, the first of which is always the most painful, i’m sure. but i’m just like, what the hell, you know? half the time ppl ask me if i just graduated college [probably b/c somehow i’m always in denim (sometimes even rockin a jean jacket, too. i know i know fashion no-no but whatev) and most of the time, like, kitten heels or black pumas or something. the frosty lipstick/bangs/gum combo also prob. helps) but now this? i know i know, he’s just a kid from baltimore. he didn’t mean anything by it. but it was annoying. and i just thought i’d share.
the whole experience has me thinking about those “movie” moments. and it occurs to me that those moments are written into movies b/c they actually happen. so, if you all would care to share your most memorable “movie moments,” by all means, let loose. i’d so love to hear them.