i shouldn’t be up

1:46 a.m.

i shouldn’t be blogging! but i can’t stop myself. i’m getting married today. today.

let me tell you about today (or yesterday, rather, since it’s technically saturday today): today was a rollercoaster. today was not the greatest day. it honestly felt like a bad reality show, like a wedding reality show that makes you cringe. the kind that i beg holly to change, “plllleeeeeasechange it, hunny! please. this is too stressful, i can’t even watch.” yeah, that kind of day.

a lot of tears. family drama that did notneed to go down. and me, just freaking out about everything. but now here i am, in a dimly lit hotel room with my maid of honor. i can hear the gentle whoosh of the dc traffic five stories below. it’s the first quiet i’ve had all day.

does anyone remember that trust game they made you (if you went to camps like me!) play back when you were, say, a teen? like, maybe in your early teens? you would stand with your arms crossed in front of your chest like a mummy, your back against a sea of your peers, all their hands up, waiting for you.

“ready to fall,” you’d say, with every last piece of you not wanting to go.

“fall away,” the group would say.

“falling…”

and you fell….and it felt like forever until you reached that sea of hands (when in actuality it was just a couple feet). and suddenly, for a brief moment, you had let yourself go. you closed your eyes, maybe just for a second, and during those split seconds, were worried that you’d hit the ground. but instead this giant net of human warmth caught your body and pushed you back up.

that’s today. that’s my friends.

it’s so hard to let myself go. it is sohard. and i don’t know why. but i’m learning to do it. today i let myself fall and my friends caught me. even just the hold of your gaze. i don’t know what i would do w/out you guys. i am so blessed.

tomorrow (ok, today), i am going to let myself go even more. i am going to try to be a princess even tho it’s so hard for me. it’s so crazy: i feelall of you rooting out there for me. i actually feel it. strangers, even. and friends from long long ago (and you know who you are and thank you for your voicemail; when i said it meant the world to me, i meant it). your notes in the mail (thank you, jen!), your facebook messages, the texts, the blog comments…i’ve needed it all.

goodnight, everyone! goodnight, goodnight. here’s to a new chapter in my life. here’s to love and hope and forever. to soaking up every moment. to every last piece of advice that all of you have passed my way. here’s to my wedding day. here’s to letting myself fall. xxo jessica

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