lump in my throat

that obama won. that, as my dear nicolina says, the tide has turned. and it’s time for change.

but i also have a lump in my throat b/c it’s looking like holly and i won’t be able to make our future honeymoon trip (we’re not doing one this year–it’s a “staycation” here in bmore, which, honestly? after all this stress and planning, is fine by me) to get married in california. some days, i daydreamed just as much about going to the (gorgeous, nicole tells me) san francisco court house and wedding legally as i do our ceremony and reception. nicole would our witness, and pledged to throw us the BDPE (Best. Dinner. Party. Ever.). i’d finally get to meet all her fabulous friends and her parents were gonna throw confetti on our heads as we walked thru the door. of course, the marriage wouldn’t be legal here in maryland. but if we moved to new york (state or city) or mass. or conn. it would be. and it would just be…vindicating. that, at least in a few parts of the country, we’d have the same legal rights as everyone else.

tell me: what’s so bad about us having the legal right to visit each other, G-d forbid, in the hopsital and make decisions for each other if we had to? to file taxes together? to be able to be on each other’s health insurance (i note this b/c, despite our almost eight years together, holly can’t get on my health insurance and her cobra payments are over $350/month)? we’re not trying to undermine the basis of civilization. or the foundation of this country. we just want to be treated as equals. right now, all i can do is hope and pray that one day, our children and our children’s children can look back on these times, on state bans on same-sex marriage, and not be able to wrap their minds around it. that, just as people in my generation look back on the jim crow era, on segregation, on interracial marriage bans, on slavery and african-americans not having the right to vote, on attack dogs and hoses, that they’ll look back on bans, outright bans, on same-sex marriage and say: “i don’t get it. i don’t get how that ever happened.” b/c, by then, it will be legal. and taking away ppl’s rights, taking away ppl’s rights!, and writing inequalities into state constitutions will be so far in the past, will seem so weird and crazy that they just won’t get it. they won’t get it just like i don’t get, can’t even begin to wrap my mind around how someone can look at someone who has a different color skin and think they’re less than. i know some ppl look at holly and i, at our long and loving relationship, and think we’re less than. and undeserving. but, as my late grandmother would say, “to hell with ’em!” and i follow that with a hearty, grandmotherly, “who needs ’em!” (thanks, grandma)

so on this morning, on a morning where the sun’s trying to break thru the clouds here in maryland and the trees are glowing a shade of orange i’ve been craving for months and months, i feel so much hope but also heartbreak. and trust me, i know i could be feeling a whole lot more heartbreak, don’t get me wrong. but my chest feels heavy and i’m teary. i pray that mr. obama, mr. president-elect, can bring us together like i know he can. i have a lot of hope right now. and the haters, they’re not gonna bring us down. we gotta wedding to throw, all! we have a lot to celebrate. a lot of new beginnings. and i can’t wait to get started.

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