FAQs

what are “FAQs”?

frequently asked questions.

so i’ll ask them and you answer?

yup.

ok. who the hell are you? 

i’m jessica. i’m a copywriter. i live in crappyass baltimore with holly, my partner of 12+ years. i grew up in new jersey. it’s kind of a running joke around here.

what’s this blog all about? 

oh hell. i don’t even know. it’s basically designed to distract you from work and make you laugh til you pee. sometimes i might get you feeling emotional, but i promise, it’ll pass. like gas. or mild nausea.

why’d you name your blog lunch at 11:30? that seems kind of weird.

i get hungry early, ok? and low blood sugar runs in my family. why you gotta be so rude about it??

you keep marrying the same person! wtf’s up with that?

i know. holly and i keep getting married. once in our Big Fat Gay (Jewish) Wedding. again in DC legally. then twice more. well more like two and a half.

so you’re gay and jewish? yeah, and this priest walks into a bar… 

oh shuddup. you’re rude. you know what? i’m done answering your damn questions, you bigot.

nonono! i’m just kidding. bad joke bad joke. i’m nervous cause…you’re really pretty.

wait, what? thanks. wait, stop trying to distract me! ask me a real question!

ok, ok. i like what’ve i’ve read so far. but you’ve got, like, over five years worth of posts here. i’d love to read ‘em all but i don’t have all day. anything you’d suggest? crowd favorites, maybe? 

why yes. i’ll even break them down into categories for you.

that’s kind of nerdy.

whatever.

RELATIONSHIP (NON)ADVICE
ever start calling a girl a bitch but then call her a jerk instead? yeah, don’t do that.
WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU. CAN YOU YELL AT ME LOUDER???
i’ll dump your ass for drew barrymore
holly rated me an 8 out of 10. that was a mistake.

DON’T MOVE HERE
dumpsters really bring our neighborhood together
so do fires
i decided to fight a parking ticket and everyone at the courthouse had B.O.
our house smelled like dead people

NEUROSES (THAT’S THE PLURAL OF NEUROSIS. I KNOW BECAUSE I CHECKED LIKE FIVE TIMES.)
i freaked out at the hospital. they drugged me.
i shouldn’t have karate-kicked that bathroom stall lock at under armour
i got stuck in the woods on a four-wheeler & was almost eaten by a bear

RANDOM CRAP PEOPLE FOUND EXCEPTIONALLY FUNNY
my chiropractor thinks i’m goth
i kind of accidentally bought a chico’s holiday sweater & wore it to san francisco in early fall 
my honors student is going to bitchslap your bumpersticker
a rat was living in our dryer vent 

GAY AND/OR EMOTIONAL
this actually was published in a book, yeah, like a real book!
this wasn’t published at all
i still cry every time i read this
and now that i’ve made you cry three times, it’s time to laugh again
and again
and again

One response to “FAQs

  1. Ok. I have submitted this post to a professional therapist friend of mine so that you and the voice in your head that is interviewing you can hopefully stop arguing with one another (yourself?) But great read, especially for newcomers to Lunch at 11:30. I especially enjoyed your mission statement of wanting to make people laugh until they pee. :^)
    *Also, I would appreciate a forewarning regarding the snowing page, I was just at the doctor yesterday and she already referred me to a neuro-opthamologist for some issues and trying to read with strange white dots floating about the page almost made me run to the ER. Not cool wordpress-not.cool.

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