LORD HELP US WE’RE DOING A CLEANSE (DAY 1: OMG)

so holly finally got the go-ahead from our acupuncturist to do this food-based cleanse she’s been bugging her about for, like, the past year and a half. as in: holly’s been bugging our acupuncturist, not the other way around, to do the cleanse. who even does that?

and of course i have to go down with the ship and do it, too, because we’re married, blah blah blah. i have to support her, etc. etc. etc. plus i know it will be good for me.

here’s the basics of the cleanse:

it’s food-based, not that weird-ass one people were doing a while ago where you drink, like, maple syrup lemon water with cayenne pepper for however many days. (what the hell was that all about anyway? ew.) so yeah, it’s organic vegetables and fruits only (not even beans even. i know. WTF.) (though, randomly, we can have very limited amounts of lentils, sweet potato, and quinoa; don’t ask me, i have no idea) for the first seven days, supplemented by smoothies featuring an organic powder that has protein and various organic green veggies, roots, and who the hell knows what else. mine is non-dairy. holly’s has whey in it. there are weird fiber pills to take, too. these are details you probably don’t care about so i’ll stop.

for weeks 2 and 3 you can add proteins one at a time. chicken, fish, lean beef, eggs. then grains and i guess dairy? i don’t know. holly read the book. i’m too hungry to read it.

here’s why we’re doing the cleanse:

-to rid our bodies of toxins, which hello, we live in baltimore and i found out that the iconic smokestack next to I-95 is actually a giant garbage incinerator.
-maybe find a food-related trigger for my ongoing migraines.
-get my blood-sugar evened out/jewish pancreas a break so i don’t wind up with diabetes.
-lose weight, i.e. i’d like to see the real shape of my face again, especially my chin, because i’m tired of making selfie faces in the mirror so i can see my cheekbones.
-change our eating patterns/habits.
-other reasons i can’t remember.

anyway, i’ve decided i’m going to chronicle how i’m feeling every day. as a record for future generations. or, you know, a last will & testament.

i was too weak and angry to write yesterday so this is actually day 2. however, i did take some notes yesterday about how i was feeling. but then i started feeling so bad i couldn’t take notes anymore. here they are in no particular order:

DAY 1
head hurts.
very hungry, feeling angry and emotional. can’t concentrate.
peeing a lot.
probably shouldn’t have driven to safeway.
if i got stranded on a desert island, i’d definitely die from low blood-sugar or some kind of organ failure.
hate all people.
omg pain behind my right eyeball.
don’t talk to me.
don’t look at me.

DAY 2
i don’t want any more portobella mushrooms ever.
eyeballs feel sore.
unable to focus on what holly’s saying. oh wait she’s telling me that’s me every day anyway. whatever, it’s worse than usual.
the pills (10 total, 3 times a day) taste like black licorice and i almost threw all of them up.
had a salad at 10am. omg who are we???? i don’t even know who i am anymore.

jamie g. did the cleanse and she just texted that “if we can make it through the next couple days” we’re going to “feel a beautiful light energetic happiness high.” this is hopeful though i hope i don’t get divorced by then. if you don’t hear from me in two days send the police.

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4 responses to “LORD HELP US WE’RE DOING A CLEANSE (DAY 1: OMG)

  1. I’m walking on sunshine, yea yea, I’m walking on sunshine, yea yea…just get passed the headache and …Wait for it….

  2. Hahahaha! Is this the Blood-Sugar Solution? Or some other cleanse? Lester and I are sorta doing a diet plan that is based on the BSS. Notice I said “based on.” Maybe I should have said “loosely based on.” Inspired by? In the same vein as, but with more wine?? Whatever. Let me know how yours goes. And don’t cut nobody!

  3. We do a similar one quite regularly & the first 3 days are the worst! We do no: gluten, dairy, meat, eggs, sugar, soy, processed food, fried food, caffeine, chocolate or alcohol. Plus we have these disgusting (seriously gag-worthy) herbal tonics that you knock back a shot of 3 times a day. Plus we drink at least 2L of water a day and start every day with warm water and lemon or apple cider vinegar. I get a mega upset stomach on day 2 and/or 3 usually and a migraine but then it’s not too bad. We always feel awesome during and after and lose weight plus it’s good for my thyroid issues. My skin looks amazing and eyes get really clear.
    About to start another in the next couple of weeks. We always make sure we do at the same time as you need to clear out the cupboards and fridge and cook together otherwise it would be impossible! We usually do 3 weeks then ease back in some dairy and eggs. Usually stay off gluten and sugar for ages.
    Good luck – stick with it and it will get better!!

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