well apparently i’m 60 because i started shopping at chico’s

before nicole’s wedding, i went to chico’s looking for a dress. i went to chico’s b/c they make “dressy” clothes specially designed for ladies with curves. sometimes, but not all the time, these “curves” are actually rolls. (not dinner rolls, folks; the other kind) other times, they are actual curves. the kind that used to be revered, but are now frowned upon b/c ppl think they represent a poor diet and lack of exercise–even if your diet is actually pretty much fine and you occasionally drop-kick bathroom locks in the ladies room at under armour–when you’re actually just of eastern european descent and hello, hispanic guys totally love you.

chico’s gets a bad rap amongst the younger set, and it really doesn’t deserve it. here’s why:

first of all, chico’s makes clothes you can roll up in a ball and they won’t wrinkle. it pretty much blows my mind. (see “travelers collection.”)

they also have fives sizes: 0, 1, 2, 3 and 4. size 4 is actually, like, a size 22. for example: i wear a size 2 and i’m basically like hell’s yeah bitches! i’m a size 2, kiss it! kind of like going to a weight watchers meeting in suburban baltimore (like i did before our big fat gay wedding) and you look around and think: damn i’m fine! which prompts you to leave early to buy an 8,000-calorie celebration frappacchino no whip (hello, whipped cream probably adds like two points!).

chico’s also has the best damn salesladies on earth. they are so friggin attentive i can’t even deal with it. i want to be like YES! yes i’ll take The Big Lady Belt–in black and silver! b/c i love you. b/c you are not judging me like those skinny bitches at Express. and you remind me of my mom. and i want to hug you, let’s hug right now, i don’t even care that i don’t know you, let’s just hug.

so i go to chico’s looking for a dress–this is, yeah, like a week before the wedding. and they don’t have anything for me. i wind up finding a dress at macy’s. oh but what did i find at chico’s? i zero in on this silver sparkly tunic sweater that i decide i really need to have. hello, it’s a TRAVELERS piece, which means i can take it to san francisco without it wrinkling to wear for…something!

oh it’s so sparkly, i say to Judy the Attentive Saleslady.

oh i know, isn’t it *fabulous*? she says back. and it looks wonderful on you. just wonderful.

ohmygoshthanks, i say breathlessly. but it’s too expensive, i continue. i…i couldn’t. 

i’ll give you $25 off, she says.

how could i possibly say no?

ring it up, judy! i say. ring it up before i change my mind!

so i bought the damn sparkly tunic, much to holly’s dismay. and i bring it to california, and of course need to wear it to the pre-wedding party at nicole’s parents’ house in sebastopol. as soon as we arrived i knew it was a mistake.

you know how, at every party, there’s that girl who’s overdressed? you try not to look at her but you have to? i was…that girl.

that’s because it’s a *holiday sweater*, holly told me when i got back to baltimore.

what, because it’s sparkly? i said.

holly: yes because it’s sparkly! it has sequins in it! 

me: so you mean to tell me that i wore a chico’s holiday sweater to nicole’s parents’ party–in october. in california. because i felt really overdressed. 

holly: yes, honey, you wore a chico’s holiday sweater to the party.

me: why didn’t you tell me i was buying a holiday sweater at chico’s?!

holly: i tried but you didn’t listen to me! it looks good but it’s for the holidays!

me: so you mean to tell me i spent $75 on a sweater i can only wear one month a year?

holly: yup. i tried to stop you. you didn’t listen.

ladies, this is the magic of chico’s. while everything else there fits like mom jeans, there will be that one item that absolutely dazzles you. you will be blinded by its beauty. an attentive saleslady will bring it to your dressing room, pump you up with compliments and then give you a coupon. bolstered by a false sense of self-esteem from the fact that it’s a fake size 2, you purchase it and then wear what turns out to actually be a sequined holiday sweater to san francisco in early fall.

so yeah, i play bingo. and i stare out our windows at our neighbors. i shop at chico’s. i’m a senior and i don’t even care. and so help me i’m going to rock that damn sweater the entire month of december. so if you’re here in baltimore and you’re blinded by a silvery tunic’ed figure, it’s actually me. and shut the hell up b/c i’m still from jersey and i’ll kick your ass or hire someone else to do it for me.

19 responses to “well apparently i’m 60 because i started shopping at chico’s

  1. First, I neeeeed a picture of this sweater posted please. PLLLLEASE. Second, I dunno. I totally see Holly’s point, but I think you can rock sequins other times in the year. I think your sparkly tunic would fit in wonderfully at The Get Down. Third, your love of Chicos reminds me of how I felt the first time I found a lot (a lot) of stuff I liked at Talbots. I was scared to tell my best friend about all my finds for fear she would stop liking me.

  2. We Jersey girls gotta stick together! Californians are oh so laid back, while we East Coast peeps like to ham it up with our sleek outfits! Great post! :)

  3. um, in the Schechter-Shaffin family, sparkles and sequines of all kinds are embraced 12 months a year.
    So what size is a Chico’s 0?

  4. Ok this is like when I went to a wedding in Jersey and all the *guests* were in sequined gown things (for a regular, non-black tie, non remotely formal wedding) and me and the other Cali girl were in you know…. dresses that weren’t trying to outdo the bride! We looked soooooo under-dressed! Strapless, satin, and somehow “under-dressed”. You go Jersey!

    And java… it’s not that we’re “so laid back” we just have a moratorium on the bedazzling up here in NorCal. Now LA on the other hand…

  5. Bring it to Boston! Bring it to Boston! It’ll be wrinkle free, yet terribly inappropriate. Just like me. Depending on the lighting. And how closely I look. And I think I need my eyes checked.

  6. A few thoughts:
    1 – sequins, much like champagne, are their own justification and reward
    2 – there is no such thing as being over-dressed for a party, it just means that everyone else is under-dressed or wondering what fabulous event you have next… confirm their suspicions by making an early exit and going to the bar at the Ritz or Four Seasons where you are most certainly never over-dressed.
    3 – there are many men and women who still appreciate curves on a woman, I hope that you will always embrace yours.

  7. You are so willing to go there! I still haven’t figured out why I keep getting mail from AARP and The Scooter Store. Yes, The Scooter Store. I wonder if I shopped outside my age demographic and got on the wrong marketer’s list…

  8. you guys have me seriously cracking up over here. yes, a photo. i tried to find it on the chico’s website but i guess they stopped selling it–shocker, i know. but i’ll get you a photo, dinah, don’t you worry.

    also: yes, ALWC, i will bring it to boston. in fact, i think i might need to wear it if/when meet up. then you will see me immediately from five miles way.

    EB: believe it or not, i think that was the first time i wore sequins since my bat mitzvah dress…in 1991. (ahem)

    sameena: i am so willing to go there. you don’t even know.

  9. I personally thought it was a nice sweater (and your dress the next night was fab) and you weren’t overdressed at all … then again I think I was in bare feet the whole night (though I also wore a new shirt!) so what do I know.

  10. the bride speaks! bare feet?!! man you northern cali ppl are such hippies! ;) heart’chu! xxo

  11. I found the sweater to be quite fetching. And it made it easy for me to find you in the dark backyard.
    Also, don’t we get a pass on “holiday sweaters”?- we’re Jewish!

  12. i *was* kind of sparkling in the backyard, wasn’t i? also, you said “fetching.” you’re officially a senior citizen now, too.

  13. Lately I’ve been considering how a trash bag would look on. The dry cleaner and I are a little too close.

  14. I cant type from laughing so hard. I am a 50 year old cancer survivor living in California and lady you made my day. I feel like an alien here!!!! I am not skinny and I shop at Chico’s too!!! lol You wear that sweater sister!!!! Make me proud to be who we are!!!!!! lolololol

    God Bless You

  15. Jacqueline Ellis

    I’ve beenshopping at Chico’s for afew years & had my very best time on 10/5/12. Karen is the manager of store #01135 & Marie is the sales person.
    Between the both I wished I could have bought out the store. They were so nice & helpful & they made me feel so welcome. I will be back just as soon as I can. I’ve never had a better time at Chico’s.
    Thank you Karen & Marie

  16. Linda Ladwig

    Went to Chico’s today. I love that place. When I got home and read all these comments I kept saying, “Yep,that’s Me.” I laughed right out loud more than once. I too own that sparkly sweater and gave one to my sister. We don’t let place or occasion keep us from struting at will. Sis lives in Vegas where anything goes. I live in LA. Not sure if the same is true here but I really don’t care. We will probably take the look to Hawaii in Sept. Will need sunglasses after sunset on Waikiki.

  17. Oh no…. and I am 65. I usually wear jeans and t-shirts. I had to dress up to go to a few weddings. Bought several tops at Good Will. Realized the majority were Chico’s. labels. Had no idea what ‘Chico’s’ was until I found this site. Ah… man… I was thinking I looked pretty hip. And me too, laughing too hard to type well.

  18. I’m sorry to hear about what happened but I also have the same sparky sweater and I wear it whenever I want to.

  19. I discovered Chico’s today and was googling their sizing information when I came across your blog. I am over 60 and definitely a cross between slut and geriatric. You are hilarious!!! Keep your sense of humor and keep writing. BTW love Chico”s but get what your talking about.

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