this is me, at the hospital, on drugs

one week ago today, i made a mix for my ipod designed specifically to calm me down before outpatient surgery at john hopkins. the most logical thing to name it was, of course, “surgery mix,” (or “don’t bolt out the door mix,” “don’t barf mix,” “don’t look at the IV needle mix,” or, my personal favorite, “don’t think about the fact that strangers are putting you to sleep in order to probe your ladyparts and remove things from you mix”) but just the thought of “surgery mix” made me want to faint so i named it something  mysterious and vague only i could recognize: “new mix.”

“new mix” was a choice selection of what some in the “lite hits” radio industry might call the best of the 70s, 80s, 90s and today. artist & song highlights included but were not limited to:

barry manilow (“daybreak” “it’s a miracle”)
billy joel (“say goodbye to hollywood” “new york state of mind”)
madonna (“true blue”)
fleetwood mac (“gypsy,” the appropriately titled “hold me” & more)
john mayer (“half of my heart”)
michael jackson (“human nature” “pretty young thing”)
roxette (“(i could never) give you up”)
dave matthews, steve miller band, prince, the b-52s, the list goes on & kind of ruins my street cred [b/c unbeknownst to most, i'm actually huge in the baltimore hip-hop/rap scene, so, you know, i need to keep my street cred and not tell you that go west's "king of wishful thinking" was on there, too. (c'mon, i'm sure there are at least a few rappers that dig the pretty woman soundtrack)]

i’m telling you about my mix to drive home the point that i was a sweating, shivering, shaking nervous wreck last tuesday that did not want surgery and needed a mix so i wouldn’t bolt out the building in my gown and tan hospital socks (the kind with the rubber tread on them) and run home. (yes, technically i could run home from the hopkins campus, and, yes, holly and i once saw a guy in a hospital gown on baltimore street tho he asked us for a prescription for pain meds so i don’t think he was actually coming from the hospital.)

i was there to have a polyp removed from my uterus. nothing too serious, but serious enough that they had to put me under. despite the fact that they were going to put a camera and a vacuum and who knows what else inside me, it wasn’t the procedure per se that i was nervous about. it wasn’t even the forms i had to sign at a pre-op appt signing off on the fact that, you know, i could die while unconscious. it was the mere notion that they were putting me under with drugs.

i was confident that i’d be safe and come out, you know, alive. it just freaks me the hell out to be put to sleep. i suppose this is because  i’m a neurotic, jersey-born, overthinking jew that has to know exactly what’s going on all the time and can’t let go even for one minute. (G-d bless holly. i am living proof that even the most neurotic among us can find a mate and be happily married.)

i’ve been lucky enough to have surgery only one other time in my life. it was sinus surgery (oh man, won’t even go there) and i was so nervous about it that i actually gave myself a fever beforehand. once again, it wasn’t the fact that they were going up my nostrils with drills and whatnot. no. it was b/c i was scared shitless they were knocking my ass out.

as i lay there feverish and shaking (with holly and my parents looking on like three deer in headlights), the anesthesiologist noticed my fear (i think my fear that morning was visible from outer space), smiled and said he was going to give me “a morning cocktail.” i had no idea what he was talking about, but it sounded oddly comforting. (probably b/c i had absolutely no idea what he was talking about.)

before i knew it, he shot up my IV with who know what and, folks, lemme tell you, after an initial bout of dizziness (and my “initial bout” i mean i bolted upright in my wheely hospital bed shouting at holly, “HONEY I’M SO DIZZY”), i was FLYING. i don’t remember much but i do remember waving with my entire right arm–like i was at an 80s stadium concert (or doing the nkotb “hangin tough” dance)–back and forth, back and forth, shouting “BYYYEEEE! LOVE YOU GUYS!” as they wheeled me out the door.

while zooming (in my mind i was indeed “zooming”) down the hospital hallway, i had myself completely convinced that i was on “ER” and i was the star of the show. i felt so cool, you have no idea. (holly tells me she and my parents heard me laughing down the entire hallway.)

 i vaguely recall the OR team asking me if i could get on some kind of metal operating table (my body felt soooo heavy), then i saw an MRI on the wall and thought heeeeey, coooooool, that’s my skull. i woke up hours later holding this really pretty nurse’s hand (that’s how you know you’re really, truly gay–you have the hots for some random nurse while you’re coming out of anesthesia) with my nose and sinuses packed full of cotton.

yes, everything worked out just fine. but that was september 2004. i’ve developed a lot more neuroses since then, not to mention am much more aware of my mortality, and thus was much more nervous about being put under. and having an IV put in. and basically being at the hospital altogether.

things started to suck when i found out holly couldn’t come back and be with me while they put in my IV. yes, i am that much of a baby. then these two resident doctor-in-training dudes come by to introduce themselves and tell me that they’d be “observing” my surgery. they were nice enough, but what i really wanted to do with kick them in the teeth with my tan rubber-soled socks and tell them i didn’t want them there staring at my ladyparts while i was unconscious. before i had a chance to let my true colors shine, the nurse came by to give me an IV, at which point i plugged in my earphones, pumped up my “new mix” and pretended to be on a beach while the nurse punctured my vein (thump–oops sorry i actually just fainted while i wrote that).

shortly thereafter, holly and my mom came back to keep me company, which i was grateful for, but unfortunately didn’t help that much b/c i was pretty much inconsolable by that point. then another resident came by to tell me she was coming to watch the surgery, too. GREAT! HOW BOUT YOU INVITE YOUR MOM AND GRANDMA ALSO! INVITE THE WHOLE FAMILY. WHAT THE HELL DO I CARE, I’M GOING TO BE UNCONSCIOUS! then another resident came by, this time an anesthesiologist in training, introduced herself (tiffany–i remember her ID card) and, since she would be one of the ppl knocking my ass out, i proceeded to babble on and on to her about how nervous i was about being put under until i proved that i was certifiably nuts. or at least needed anti-anxiety medication.

she smiled and inquired if i wanted something to help calm me down before surgery. a normal person would say, “you know what, tiffany? that sounds like a mighty fine idea. yes, please. thank you for asking, that would be lovely!”

instead i said something about being anxious about taking anti-anxiety medication and maybe i shouldn’t take it but then again maybe i should. then the lead anesthesiologist and the OR nurse came by to introduce themselves (total count in the OR, including the doctor doing the surgery, was up to seven at this point) at which point i announced i had to pee.

a nurse helped me up and gave me instructions on how to hang up the IV bag on the back of the door. while i birdnested the toilet (hello, it’s a hospital but i’m still not sitting directly on the toiletseat) while simultaneously trying to both talk myself out of a panic attack and not see the blood collecting in the IV tube (what the?!), a young doctor-looking guy wearing a scrub-thing on his head and mask opened the door.

“oops! sorry!”

“no problem,” i told him.

hell, it wasn’t a problem. my modesty had gone to hell in a handbasket anyway, what with the entire staff of johns hopkins about to see the inside of my uterus and who knows what else while i was “sleeping.”

so i get back to my little pre-op area and tiffany wants to know what i decided about the anti-anxiety meds. she tells me she’ll just give me just half a dose.

“honey, it’s ok. you should get it. it’ll help,” holly said, holding my hand.

“no, it’ll just make me dizzy,” i said, more panic setting in.

before i knew it, i had agreed (tiffany was very convincing–she told me it would feel like i drank a cocktail) and she was dosing me up. it didn’t hit me til i got in the operating room.

“wooah, it’s BRIGHT in here,” i said covering my eyes as tiffany wheeled me in. “WOW I’M REALLY DIZZY.”

and i was–really really really dizzy. but instead of making me really really nervous, it seemed really really funny. everything just seemed so funny.

“it feels like i drank a wholelottacocktails,” i slurred.

“it’s supposed to feel like that,” she told me.

i remember looking at the big operating table under the bright lights, thinking, gee, the looks of this insanely large operating table under all these bright lights with alllll of these doctors and residents and nurses around should be making me nervous but instead it seems funny! this is all so funny!

then i saw the gynecologist that was doing the surgery. she had her hair back in a net-scrub-thingy and i remember thinking oh my gosh i know you! you’re the doctor! i recognize you even with your hair back!!!!! this, of course, seemed even funnier. i also felt very, very proud of the fact that i recognized her. i was high as a kite.

i got up on the table somehow and they told me to put my head in this head-holder thing, which, of course, seemed really funny. they asked me to “scoot down a little” (when you’re a woman and you regularly go to the gynecologist, they’re always friggin telling you to “scoot down a little) and i think i was trash talking the scheduler who arranged the surgery for me? (i think i slurred something along the lines of that mary, shhhhhhe’s reaaallly nice but she has noooo idea whaaaaat the hellllll she’s doing. (drugs = truth serum) and i think i remember the doctor laughing and saying she’d be sure to tell her that.)

someone told me they were going to cover me up with warm blankets. oooooh, those are so warm, i thought. they felt like the best friggin things in the world. i think i remember tiffany hovering above me saying…something. except i couldn’t hear her. your lips are moving but you’re not making any sound, i wanted to say.

then the head anesthesiologist told me they were just giving me some oxygen and put this clear plastic mouth/breathing thingy over my mouth or nose or both and told me to take a deep breath. i remember the air coming thru the plastic thing smelling bad. oooh that smells really bad, i garbled. then he held it above my mouth and told me to take some deeeeep breaths. that’s so nice he’s giving me oxygen before my surgery, that’s so nice i remember thinking. then i woke up two hours later in recovery. oxygen my ass.

i was in and out of sleep and so comfortable in recovery. and everything still seemed so amusing. things that would normally bother me (the guy across from me with a bowl over one eye; the guy next to me saying he was nauseous) didn’t. a nurse came by and asked me if i wanted some ginger ale and brought me graham crackers. this delighted me.

mmmmm these are delicious, i thought, still clearly under the influence. mmmmm this ginger ale is so nice and cold

the same nurse came by and asked me on a scale of one to 10, how much pain was i in? i said eight, which, honestly? i don’t know why i said that. i don’t think it was really an eight. then she gave me painkillers and came back some time later asking the same question. i told her three. then she asked me if i wanted some oxy-something or other and i was like, “no, that’s ok.” (thank goodness. i don’t want to ever take anything beginning with “oxy”)

i kept telling her i felt like i was bleeding and when could i see my family. then she put some weird hospital boy-shorts underwear on me and walked me into the next recovery station. another nurse came by and gave me more ginger ale and shortbread cookies (lorna doones!), which, yes, absolutely delighted me. the doctor came by and told holly and my mom–who had arrived by then–about my uterus and how they found two polyps and everything looked good and etc. but i don’t remember that. all i remember thinking is: man these cookies are soooooo good. num num num.

holly told me i looked pretty darn good (drugs) and i felt sooooooo proud i had made it thru the ordeal (again: drugs). when we were leaving she told me to take the remaining packet of cookies with me (we don’t keep fun things like cookies in our house) and when we got home i realized i had taken the empty packet with me. drugs, people. drugs.

i slept a lot when i came home and throughout the next day. as i came to, i told holly about everything. pretty much exactly what i just told you guys.

“maybe you didn’t think all those things,” holly said. “maybe you said them.”

“holy crap. maybe i did.”

i gave tiffany my card before she drugged me up, telling her that i’m not actually this crazy, i’m actually an established writer that’s really not nuts (beware of people that tell you they’re not crazy; they usually are. also beware of those that claim to be “spiritual” as they’re usually satan’s children) and that i’d be blogging about this. she pledged to check back and comment. so we’ll just have to wait and see.

i would like to thank the staff of the johns hopkins outpatient surgery center for doing such a great job. if i ever have to go under again, you guys are the crew i’d choose. and if i said something offensive to you while i was high on drugs, i apologize. i’m sure i didn’t actually mean it and you can blame it on tiffany for overmedicated me.

28 responses to “this is me, at the hospital, on drugs

  1. Um. Ok. I’m sitting here in m very new cubicle, at my very new job, laughing my ass off and my very new co-workers must think I am very nuts.

  2. oh you have no idea how happy that makes me! rock on in your new cubicle, girl!

  3. OMG, Jess! You are freaking hysterical! (Like how I work in the uterine reference?) Wish I could have been there for moral support! Also, would love to have witnessed you acting like a giant goofball drunk! So glad all went well! Love ya!

  4. I’m sitting here at work laughing so hard that I’m choking on my saltines & watermelon-flavored chewy fruit candy (prepping early to become a little old lady, apparently). I love you Lesh!

  5. it’s never too early to do some lil ol lady prep! (wait, saltines & watermelon-flavored chewy candy–together??) sharon, you are so funny–took me a sec, but yeah i got the uterine reference ;)

  6. Dude, very funny. I bet you did say some of those things…now I wonder if I’ve actually “said” some of my thoughts before being put under for surgery. By the bi, childbirth is like a million times worse in terms of exposure and feeling vulnerable. After that, everything medical I have done is a piece of cake :)

  7. FabulousMari

    Ha! I can’t believe how worried you are about going under! I love it. That milk of amnesia that they give is like instant relaxation & happiness. I also love your mix of “the best of the 70′s, 80′s, 90′s, and today”=That’s enough to induce a coma. I also sincerely hope you took the socks. Do you know how incredibly hard it is to find flesh colored socks?! And those Lorna Doone’s just cost you a few hundred dollars, you should’ve taken the whole box and made it worth it. In all seriousness, I am glad you are feeling better and hope your uterus remains polyp free.
    *ps. did Holly happen to record you while you were in your drug induced state? It sounds like pure hilarity!

  8. I got something surgically removed from my uterus, too! And there were tons of medical students in the room to “observe”. Yay, sisters in awkward surgical situations!! Are you going to write a Part Two about coming down off the drugs? The name of my mix tape for that would be “pretending I don’t have to vomit again so I can get the f*$k out of there!” Yes, they wouldn’t let me go until I could successfully: 1. sit up 2. eat 3. walk to the bathroom and pee; and I tell you it took a LONG time to be released.

  9. I would be the SAME WAY. I can’t even get my BLOOD PRESSURE taken without becoming hypertensive. Congrats on making it through!!

  10. Ok, now I’m cracking up at my desk!!!!!!!!

  11. Hilarious, glad you got through it! But now don’t you secretly look forward to the next time you need to be put under?

  12. you all are cracking *me* up now. mer, don’t think i’m not the same way w/blood pressure. hell those damn electronic blood pressure cuffs are enough to push me right into a panic attack. (not to mention feeling my pulse in my forearm. EW MAKE IT STOP.)

  13. Snorting at my desk. I even promised I would never read you at work again because you’re totally going to get me fired. (1) I had sinus surgery and it was a bitch. Especially the follow-up visit where the nose doc yanked out this huge plastic thing from my right nostril and I passed out. Then he woke me up with smelling salts. And then he proceeded to yank out another huge plastic thing from my right nostril. And I passed out again. (2) Hospital boy shorts? Were they mesh? And itchy? (3) I’m very saddened that nobody thought to video tape you during this event. It should have been done. Just saying.

  14. i love this desk-snorting theme that’s going on here. let’s see…the boy shorts. they were some kind of weird polyblend, felt like. not mesh. not really itchy but definitely odd-feeling. i have to admit they didn’t look half-bad on me either–tho i was on drugs, so my judgement is suspect. i threw them out (along with the tan tread socks) when i got home.

    re: sinus surgery YES. taking out the “packing” (which, as i’m sure you’re aware, are essentially super-plus tampons shoved into your sinus cavities) was the bad part for me. way worse than the actual surgery. that’s the closest i ever came to fainting. the plastic removal came later and was a piece of cake (if cake can be plastic strips holding your newly straightened septum in place).

    michelle, you poor thing. sorry to hear about your bad reaction re: drugs. there’s actually no “part 2.” i was up and running (ok, walking, very slowly) and eating very shortly after i came to.

    phoenix/mari: i am happy to report that as far as i know, there is no video evidence of my drug-fueled adventure. there are, however, photos of my uterus and no, totally not posting those ;)

  15. I don’t understand people who are afraid of being put under! I LOVE it. And I love the little pre-put-you-under-stuff they give you too. Altogether, it feels like floating! In a vat of chocolate. With cashmere socks on. In a meadow full of hot guys who only want to tell you how beautiful and brilliant and witty you are, but don’t, in fact, want anything else from you.

    In fact, I need to come up with some sort of medical issue so I can go under again soon. What inside parts are least necessary?

    Also — next time someone offers you oxy-anything, kindly accept, slip it in your flesh-colored sock, and bring it back for your friends. Selfish!!!

  16. While reading this, I swear I could hear Pink Floyd’s “Comfortably Numb” playing in the background. I loves me some anesthesia!

  17. you guys are such druggies.

  18. Too funny! I always look forward to your hilarious posts. I had a septoplasty a couple of years ago, and even though they were operating on my nose they wouldn’t let me wear underwear. I later found out it was because some people poop or pee on the table. I was horrified. I’m 99.99 percent sure I didn’t, but that .01% will haunt me for the rest of my life.

  19. It was midazolam that made everything so freakin’ funny. I give it to people because it makes my day infinitely funnier as well.

    The more drugged up you got, the more you told me you weren’t nuts. At one point, I said, “Jessica, thou doth protest too much.” You thought that was pretty funny, too.

  20. HAH! tiffany! it’s really you! now *i* can’t stop laughing!!!!

  21. p.s. can i have some of that in a doggie bag to go??

  22. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

  23. Did you NOT learn about drugs’ dangers from Steven Tyler’s book!? Reading about your reactions makes me happy that am just fine with whatever doctors wanna do with me, whether it’s making me drink a horrible liquid, breath in weird vapors, poking holes in my abdomen or even sticking pokers in my eye sockets (“don’t blink!” they say. that’s the worst).

    If you give blood regularly you’d eventually get used to the poking and prodding and awful anticipation of the poking and prodding.

  24. Where is this hospital?! (Yes, I realize everyone even us Aussie’s have heard of John Hopkins but it doesn’t mean I actually know where it is) but I want to go there next time I have anything done. It shits all over Mr Surly Surgeon at my local public hospital. . oh wait I’ll just ignore you and answer my iphone before your surgery. . and I didn’t get NO good drugs. Not even afterwards. Nor ginger anything or cookies. I got a prescription for drugs, not that anything was open for me to FILL IN the prescription or anything like that. . . so on balance I’d like to go to your hospital even if I have to move to the States and become a citizen and all. . .any idea how I go about that?
    Josie x

  25. Morning cocktails for everyone!

  26. That’s the funniest tale of surgery I’ve ever heard. And I work in medical publishing. (Which, surprisingly, is not a hilarious field.)

  27. PeacockWings

    That is so funny! Love your stuff!

  28. i completely share your anxiety about taking anti-anxiety meds. i get anxious just thinking about it. maybe i’ll have a cocktail.

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