i’m just coming off a three-day migraine (i nearly lost my mind and thank G-d for holly and her smoothie-making abilities b/c i just couldn’t eat)…anyway, my brain is on slo-mo mode so i really have nothing to offer you today. therefore i’m going to let southeast baltimore’s aggravated assault/burglary blotter do the talking today. man this stuff cracks me up. is that wrong??
Talk about bad neighbors A man told police that his neighbor had approached him while he was sitting on his porch. The neighbor had started swinging a knife and screaming, “I’m gonna killa y’all bitches.” The suspect was arrested.
“Ok, ok. You can stay there.”
A woman told police that she found a man lying in front of her door so that she could not enter. She asked him if he would leave so that she could go inside, and the man stated, “Bitch, I will beat your ass and stab you.” He was arrested.
Compliments to the chef
Someone entered a home through a front window and ate a pot of food that was left on the stove. 10 DVDs were also taken.
oh, DVDs, too? haha.
i wonder what was in the pot?
Who *says* that??
A suspect entered a bank and handed a teller a note reading, “This is a robbery, I have a gun, give me 20s from the top drawer and 50s, hurry hurry.” The teller handed the suspect an unknown amount of cash and he fled.
“hurry hurry”? ha.
Wtf! Two women told police that they had been robbed at knifepoint of their cell phones and cash. A bottle of Southern Comfort and a bottle of Coke were also taken. One suspect told the women, “Don’t call police; I know what you look like.”
yes it was evan’s (see above) lucky day yesterday, as rochester ny’s most fabulous new resident was baptized (much to our local delight!) in baltimore’s own greektown. he’s got quite’a set’a lungs, that kid, as he let out some serious howls after he was dipped in holy water a few times. (umm, if you were cold and naked and wet (and most likely hungry) in front of a crowd in a church, you’d probably be crying, too.) then he peed on his godmother, poor kid. ha. it was adorable, tho. we love him.
what i am esp. loving these days is my friends having kids. we have plenty of friends with children, but it’s only recently that some of my very oldest friends are having babies. what i am loving even more is that my very oldest guy friends (greg and simon/simos, that’s you;) are having babies before my girlfriends. and what i am loving even more, if that’s possible, is watching them as new dads.
ok, so i am not just watching, i am, as the jews say (in yiddish), is kveling [say: K (as in: c'mon!) K-vel (like "bell")-ing], which basically means (b/c there’s no dictionary translation for yiddish words b/c us jews take so darn long to explain everything) bubbling over with emotion–like…bursting at the seams. they are already the best dads to these little boys (grant & evan). and what’s even cuter is that they’re both really big guys and seeing them hold these little babies and coo all over them is like…….well, i kvel. and then i get a little verklempt. then i plotz. and then i need a nosh. (when don’t i need a nosh?)
ok, WAIT. stop. i have referenced too many funny ethnic things in this post to go on any further b/c 1) i’m laughing too hard and 2) you need to know what i’m talking about if you don’t know already b/c it’s too funny for you not to know.
the title of this post is one of my favorite lines from “my big fat greek wedding” (one of my all-time favorite movies), which is said more along the lines of:
”it’za your’a LUCKY DAY to be a-bapTIZED in the GREEK [tongue roll] ORTHODOX CHURCH.”
the dad (Gus) said this to the fiancee (Ian) in the movie–b/c he had to be baptized as greek orthodox before he married his daughter (Toula). holly had to whisper “don’t say that to anyone today, ok???” to me at least three times yesterday at the church and then again at lunch afterwards (you can’t take me anywhere. really, you can’t), esp. since a grown man was being baptized (JUST LIKE IN THE MOVIE!) at the same time (simon’s soon-to-be brother-in-law; it was a two’fer yesterday. total baptism two’fer) as evan.
i wound up breaking down and telling evan it was his a-lucky day to be a-bapitzed in the greek orthodox church at the restaurant after lunch. i was high on greek pastries. luckily he’s three months old and didn’t get it. ha.
in honor of evan and yesterday’s festivities and this blog post and new babies and ethnic ppl in general, i am posting one of my favorite scenes from the movie. (YES. IT WAS MY TWIN. you know the one! ha.)
i am also posting a classic clip of coffee talk with linda richman, she of verklempt. (this is the one with *madonna* and roseanne!!! and BARBARA. like BUTTAH! like two sticks’a buttah!)
simos/lena! love you guys! LOVE EVAN. greg/susan: love YOU guys! LOVE GRANT! love that you guys are dads!!!
love the greeks! love the jews! (WHY ARE WE SO SIMILAR? WHY DO WE TALK SO LOUD?!!)
turn up your volume & prepare to laugh. these will make your day.
(ok, i just watched both of those again and i have tears, i’m laughing so hard. tears. omg i love it.)
once again, highlights of south/southeast baltimore’s aggravated assaults w/headlines by yours truly:
“Mr. Bouncer? Why do you wear gloves?” A woman told police she asked a bar bouncer why he wore gloves. The bouncer replied “to choke drunks.” When the woman refused to leave when the bar closed, the bouncer put both hands around her neck and picked her up in the air, she told police.
she probably shouldn’t have asked him to begin with. i mean, who asks bouncers anything anyway? yer only askin fer trouble.
next!
“Sure I’ll give you my insurance information. We’re just going on a little drive first.” Two drivers, a man and woman, were involved in a fender bender and the man got out of his car to exchange information. The woman tried to drive away and the man reached inside her car to try to stop her. She drove off with the man hanging from her driver’s window. She was arrested.
she couldn’t have opened the window a little to let him drop out? some ppl! geez!
“Can I see your wrist for a minute?” A woman was sitting at the bus stop when her ex-boyfriend came along and sat next to her. He leaned over her, grabbed her wrist and bit it. He then took her purse and started to run away, but she chased him down and got her purse back. Police found him later and arrested him.
who bites ppl?? who bites wrists???
ok last one:
This is why walkie-talkies are a bad idea. A man told police that his current girlfriend was assaulted by his ex-girlfriend. Both the man and the present girlfriend are employed at the same nightclub, and the ex-girlfriend became enraged when the present girlfriend refused to serve her alcohol because she was underage. The ex-girlfriend struck the present girlfriend in the face with a walkie-talkie (what?!!), then fled. A warrant will be issued for her arrest. The incident was captured on the club’s surveillance cameras.
oh well that’s good. i’m sure the “nightclub” staff will be going thru the surveillance video footage to see if the ex-girlfriend hit the presentgirlfriend in the face with a walkie-talkie.
that's me, gettin ready for water aerobics. wait, no it's not. it's me getting ready for synchronized swimming. haha.
ok, at the risk of sounding, like, 80 years old (not that there’s anything wrong w/being 80; in fact, i very much hope to be 80 one day, just not for 50 more years)…i tried water aerobics last night at our local pool and omG, i’ve never had so much fun exercising in my entire life.
holly joined me, too. we almost didn’t make it to the class b/c we were getting on each others’ nerves–longtime relationship’ers out there, you feel me on that one, i’m sure–and i was pretty much like, in all my jersey charm: screw it. but she was like: come the hell on. let’s do this. and sure enough, it was truly awesome. i even got roped into an adult swim class starting this wkend. yes, i suck at swimming. i won’t sink or anything, but i can pretty much only do that one stroke only old ladies (yes, the ones that regularly wear bathing caps, usually the puffy vintage floral ones) do–you know, the breast stroke, but the one where you never actually dunk underwater? yeah, that’s me. i do that. and yes, you can laugh now. (oh thanks a lot. laughing at a girl that can’t swim. that’s really nice.)
i’m going to ignore my negligent blogging ways of as late and just launch right into things:
last night we saw an awesome new band (war tapes, photo above; check them out, srsly, they’re fantastic) for a free in-storeperformance here in bmore. they did a really great acoustic set (and were very cute, i may add, what w/the lopsided haircuts, skinny black jeans and brother/sister duo–i just *love* family band stuff, esp when it’s punky). personally, i think they’re going to go far, so i considser myself really lucky to have been a part of the small crowd there to see them. but it was talking to them after the performance, esp. their drummer, william, that got my mind ticking.
from the looks of their video (i’ll embed it here in my post) and their sound–also the fact that i heard them on a local, well-known radio station–i thought they were already the bigtime. turns out, they’re really just starting out. when i told them that, a couple weeks ago, i waited in my car until their song was over (i had just parked for the evening near our house) so i could hear what band did it, they were floored.
“did you hear that??” william said loudly to his bandmates. “she waited in her parked car until the song was over!”
“really?” they all said in unison.
i proceeded to tell them that their music really helps me write and gives me that much-needed inspirational boost to do things like my BFBP (Big Fat Book Proposal) b/c, you know, coffee doesn’t work on its own, no matter how much i drink (and i can drink a lot of it). this, too, made them incredibly happy.
william proceeded to tell me a little about their history, and how this was their first in-store performance. he was just so excited. and it got me excited for them. when i woke up this morning and got on the road to work, i was still excited, but the excitement had morphed into this general, huge excitement for the people i know, all my wonderful friends, who are working so hard, just wanting it so bad, chipping away, tirelessly, at all their creative endeavors. and then i got excited for myself, b/c i feel, truly, that i am riiiiight there. things are finally starting to fall into place for me–things i have worked years and years and years for. the same goes for my lovely holly.
things have been tough for us lately, and that’s the main reason for my recent absence(s) (and yes, i will tell you all about it, but you’ll have to be patient and wait for the book, winkwink). it’s just amazing how the human spirit can persevere, even when the lifeforce is being sucked out of you (dramatic-sounding, i know, but sometimes, unfortunately, quite true). even when you’re finally up and you get slapped down. i mean, gosh, i think about my lean years, so to speak, in the years after college, first as a reporter, then a temp in dc (omG as a temp, for a year and a half. now there’s some stories for ya. again: the book), then a reporter again in dc. i wanted it (journalism, opportunity) so badly. i could taste it. and while i’m much further along (i don’t have that early 20s desperation thing going on anymore) i can still taste it. the difference is now that i’m actually tasting it. as in: i know what it (success, reaching your goals) tastes like and, in those fleeting moments, i can say with full certainly that it’s damn good.
back in those lean years, oh and they were very lean. so lean, in fact, that dear sweet nicolina would take me regularly to the diner and treat me to whatever it was i was eating. we would sit across those wooden booths and tables from each other, swirling spoons in our coffee, and talk about all the things we wanted to do. i was having a helluva time back then.
“your ship’s going to come in,” she’d tell me with full certainty. “and when it does it will be laden with jewels.”
we say that to each other still, more than ever, as we’re both having a helluva time lately.
OMG THE SHIP! WHERE IS IT???? she emailed me on a particularly painful day earlier this summer.
the ship? i emailed back. ahh, the ship. let’s see…last time i saw it, it was stuck in some sludge in the inner harbor, like near the cheesecake factory and urban outfitters? i heard on the news that its rudders were jammed up with like, soda cans and bra straps and other junk. the mayor’s not returning my phone calls either but i’ll let you know once i hear something…
oh but the ship. it is there. and it is coming, so you’d better watch out. it will be laden with jewels for sure, also whiskey/rye (tho i am not a drinker this sounds hardcore and pirate-y), dark dark chocolate, gold coins and many many freshly roasted coffee beans.
so here’s to just a few of my peeps wanting it bad and working to make it happen: nicolina and temim and j. green and john, jaime and andrew and violet and carrie(and lots more that may not have websites, like, hello! j.miller who’s working on her dissertation and is going to be a one of those kickass famous infectious disease researchers who bravely goes into faraway lands in scary white suits).
all of us have–me, holly, my friends, maybe some of you that i don’t know out there reading this–have walked up this mountain and we’re almost at the tippy top. when we get there, which will be soon, we’ll part the trees and stand at the edge and look out the sprawling, majestic green green land and hills and sparkling blue sea before us–can you see it??–and breathe deeply and take it all in b/c it will be ours for the taking. and we will look back at all the struggling, all the hustling, the sheer want of it all, and it will feel all that much more spectacular.
i want to mention one more thing: i was looking thru this huuuuge andy warhol book in the library the other day and they printed copies of these two letters he received back in his lean years. one was from the museum of modern art rejecting a piece of art he had given them, saying they just didn’t have enough room for it, please pick it up. the other was from, i think it was the village voice, an art critic who basically wrote to the young andy saying: i don’t know what you think it is, but what you’re making is not art and you’re never going to be successful. now, say if you have a friggin napkin signed by andy warhol it’s worth thousands of dollars. how you like them apples??!
and with that, my inspiration for this blog post, the war tapes, who will be at the mountaintop (along with the shondes, ’natch) with us, skinny jeans and all, providing the soundtrack for that spectacular view:
and i know today might suck for you. hell, it may suck for me. therefore, i offer you the following two new southeast baltimore neighborhood watch reports:
(once again, i took the liberty of headlining them.)
Aggravated Assault:
‘Don’t make me send my baby mama after you.’ A woman told police that she had been sitting on some steps when a man approached her and insulted her. She and he got into an argument and the man told the woman he was going to have his “baby mama” come and beat her up. Shortly thereafter, an unknown female suspect arrived and sprayed the woman in the face with mace.
(haha. i’m sorry, i know this involves someone being sprayed in the face w/mace, but that is so damn funny.)
Robbery:
‘I was drunk and just being stupid.’ One man told police that a suspect, who was standing nearby, had robbed him of a bag of food, and sprayed him with pepper spray. Police approached the suspect and found him to be in possession of pepper spray and the bag of food. When questioned why he had robbed the man, the suspect replied “I am drunk and was just being stupid.” He was arrested.
haha. oh, baltimore. you used to make me cry, but now i can’t stop laughing. (ok, maybe i still cry now and then–esp. when unknown, probably rabid animals somehow get in our walls in the winter and i’m home alone b/c holly’s in class.) i mean, hell, if i didn’t laugh, i’d probably be scrunched up in a ball rocking back and forth in a corner somewhere sucking my thumb.
we went to pee-ay over the holiday wkend. i’m sure i’ll have things to say. in the meantime, i need to drink five cups of coffee and wrap my mind around it not being the weekend anymore. hope you had an awesome 4th! ttys
